Appendix C.

Selected health educator responses to adolescents’ comments on the Sexual Consent message board.

Issue of Concern	Participant Description	Adolescent and Health Educator Comments
Low self- efficacy to set sexual boundaries	Multi-racial female, 16 years	Adolescent: I can’t ever imagine saying something like ‘I don’t want to go any further than kissing’ … I would feel like that would be so awkward… It seems I would just try to not put myself in a position where I would need to say no, but thats just me. Health Educator: Hey (username), avoiding situations where you have to say no is a good option. But what about when you do need to slow something down or ask for something different? Language is so personal and how a person says something can change the story completely. ‘I don’t want to go any further than kissing’ can sound like ‘No’ or ‘Let’s go make popcorn’ or (jokingly) ‘Hey, what’s the rush here?’ or ‘Let’s slow this down a little’ or ‘I don’t want to rush, let’s just enjoy kissing tonight.’ The words you say have to feel real to you. Finding your own words is a process and having language that feels right to say is only the first step. Talking about sex and what you want is a skill that a person can only develop with practice. And like practicing any skill, it will get easier each time you try it. The first time might flop or might feel ok. But the goal is that both partners get to make choices, have ideas and desires, and enjoy intimacy in a relationship. Try it out and let us know! What does happen for you? Has anyone else done something like this? What happened after you said you had a limit?
Barriers to conversations about sexual boundaries in established relationships	Multi-racial female, 17 years	Adolescent: In my opinion, it’s harder to set boundaries with someone you’ve been dating a while. With a new person, you can stop them from going too far by simply stating that you barely know each other and don’t feel like it’s right to go too far yet. But with someone you’ve been dating for a while, certain sexual behaviors are expected and it can be hard to say no when the other person really wants it. My boyfriend used to not understand at all why I wasn’t comfortable giving him oral sex yet when he was so willing to do so for me. That was a guilt trip that was hard for me to answer. Health Educator: Different sexual behaviors can mean different things to different people. For some people, oral sex is something that happens early in a relationship. For other people, it happens later when they feel more comfortable and connected. Some people aren’t really into oral sex at all, and that’s okay too. Sometimes people hesitate to say they don’t want to do something sexual because they worry that the other person might think they have doubts or don’t care. It can help to first say something positive like ‘It makes me happy that you want me to feel good,’ and then explain ‘but I don’t want to do that right now.’ Or you could say ‘I’m not really into that, but I like it when we...’ [fill in the blank]. Do other people have suggestions for what to say to someone you’ve been in a relationship with for a while?
Acquiescing to sex in order to preserve a relationship	Multi-racial female, 17 years	Adolescent: It’s difficult to say ‘no’ when you feel like the other person expects something out of you and will be disappointed if you don’t give them what they want. I don’t want to leave the other person frustrated or dissatisfied. I have done things I was uncomfortable about for the other person’s satisfaction and out of fear they would be disappointed/frustrated if I didn’t. Health Educator: I think this is something that happens more than anyone would like to admit. Sometimes compromise or giving in can help relationships; and sometimes it can hurt them. When it comes to sexual situations, no one should have to do things they are uncomfortable with. Our fears of disappointing someone can get built up to the point where it feels like we don’t have a choice. But being sexual should always be a choice. Does saying ‘no’ or ‘not now’ always have to be a frustrating situation? What are some suggestions for handling this kind of situation that have worked for other people?
Assuming sexual consent	White female, 18 years	Adolescent: I couldn’t see myself asking for consent from my boyfriend. I don’t think it’d be awkward, we just both seem to want to have sex at the same time. Health Educator: I wonder - how do you know that you’re both interested in sex at the same time? Are there things you say to each other? Are there nonverbal signs you give? It seems like you might be getting or giving consent in some way without it being so obvious as the process described in our article.