Table 3.

Illustrative quotes about behaviours that helped and did not help

	Helpful	Not helpful
What things did the healthcare professionals do or say that helped or did not help?	‘Let’s me ask even silly sounding questions’ ‘Respected my knowledge base and treated me like a partner in the treatment team’ ‘My SBCN sat with me for over 2 h when my 1st line (treatment) failed. She really listened; it meant the world to me’ ‘Encouraging about treatments available, gave hope which is what I needed’	‘One of the doctors / locums kept using the term palliative care which upset me greatly as I always associated it with those who are close to end of life’ ‘Being told by a breast care nurse to go home and put my affairs in order!’ ‘Asked me to sign DNR when I went for biopsy’ ‘Oncologist is very matter of fact…. telling a 47 yr old with 2 young children to enjoy life while you can is not helpful’
What did family or friends do or say that helped or did not help?	‘My husband has been amazing just letting me cry’ ‘Big hugs. Lots of unconditional support and love’ ‘My friend came to every appointment and wrote down what was said so that I had a record to read back’ ‘Grandparents had children overnight’	‘my sister and father do not ask how I am, don’t listen very often and don’t remember when I have appointments which hurts’ ‘saying things like you can beat this – no I can’t its terminal, it’s never going away’ ‘being told that I could be hit by a bus tomorrow none of us know how long we have got’? ‘crossing the road so they don’t have to talk to you’