How do we limit ourselves?

In the second article in her series on values Anita Houghton asks us to think about what occupies the space between what is important to us and how we run our lives

In my first article on values I asked you to write down your current three main goals and to look at how you divide your time among the various activities of life.¹ I then posed some questions aimed at helping you find out what is important to you. I asked you to compare all these, with the suggestion that a stiff drink in hand might be an idea—the reason being that for many there is an alarming lack of correlation between what is important to us and how we spend our time. So why would this be?

Our relationship with ourselves

In his famous book on transactional analysis, I'm OK, You're OK, Thomas Harris describes a rather disheartening process.² Children, the theory goes, learn at a very early age that their parents are magnificent, while they are anything but. Small children are dependent, inept, clumsy, and have no words with which to express or understand meaning. By the age of 5, they have learnt the inescapable truth—“I am not OK”—and much that happens from then on simply serves to confirm that perception.

By the time we get to our late teens and early adulthood, most of us have come to think that who we are is just not good enough. To cope with this, we develop a concept of who we'd like to be, and this becomes what we present to the outside world, what Jung called the persona.^{3 4}

Once we are clear about how inadequate we are, we make a lifetime commitment to proving we are not—to our parents, our teachers, our employers, our friends, our partners, and, for some people, the world. It is through this process that we become slaves to other people's values—cultural values, the values of parents, schools, society—and gradually forget that we ever valued anything else. Integral to this is the vulnerability we feel to any suggestion that we are not who we would like to be. Thus, for a person who has set out to prove his competence, a complaint from another that suggests incompetence is like a mortal blow. Similarly, the person who sets out to be kind to everyone is devastated when someone suggests she has been insensitive, as is the macho man if it is suggested he is weak.

It is in this place of vulnerability and inadequacy that we build up a host of beliefs that limit us in our lives, and it is these that occupy the gap between what is important to us and where we focus our efforts. It is here we decide, “I am not the kind of person who,” “I have no talent at,” and “I will never be able to.” It is here that our hopes and dreams hit the rocks.

How can we stop limiting ourselves?

This all makes rather gloomy reading, especially if you are already well on your way to nurturing the next generation of “Not OK” children. But Thomas Harris urges us not to lose heart. Everyone, he says, goes through this process to a greater or lesser degree, including his own children. The nature of the parent-child relationship makes it inevitable. The theory behind transactional analysis, as with most schools of psychoanalysis, is that, once you understand why you feel inadequate in certain situations, why you feel the need to pretend you are what you are not, and why you ignore your own convictions, you can start making changes.

The intrinsic nature, and therefore the danger of limiting beliefs is that they are blind spots. For the most part we are unaware of them. If this is the first time you have heard of limiting beliefs, you may well think you have none. They are also self perpetuating. As with any prejudice or assumption, our sensory systems select information that supports our beliefs. These hidden and self perpetuating beliefs have a profound effect on our actions, our feelings, and, ultimately, our success and happiness.

How limiting beliefs affect performance

Most doctors who seek help to improve their technique in oral exams have unhelpful beliefs. Often, their whole concept of an oral exam is as a battleground in which both parties are trying to win. Candidates are trying to answer the questions, while the examiners are doing their best to trip candidates up and, ultimately, to fail them. This perception is often embellished with other unhelpful ideas—that examiners are all fuddy-duddies who are resistant to different ways of seeing things, that they are sadists (why else would they want to be examiners?), and so on.

But look at the consequences of these beliefs for the candidate:

A Sufi tale

One night a man was walking along the street when he came across another, on his hands and knees, apparently looking for something under the street light. “What are you looking for?” he asked.

“I'm looking for my keys,” the other replied.

“Where did you drop them?” inquired the passer by.

“Over there,” said the other, gesturing a few feet away.

“So, why don't you look there?” asked the passer by, puzzled.

“Oh, it's too dark over there,” came the reply.

• When preparing for the exam:

  • —They believe their control over the  outcome is slight
  • —The belief, and the attendant anxiety,  distracts them from preparing the  content and makes them think there is  little point in studying anyway
  • —They ignore the need to manage their  thought processes and attitudes as  part of their preparation

• And when they get to the exam they are:

  • —Extremely anxious and lacking in  confidence
  • —Either defensive and combative with  the examiners or quiet and hesitant
  • —They are therefore quite likely to fail
  • —This, of course, is like giving an extra  big dose of fertiliser to the original  belief.
  • And on it goes.

Tackling limiting beliefs

The first stage of tackling a belief is asking yourself, “Is this belief useful?” And if not, “What would be more useful to believe?”

“In my picture there is a vast outer and an equally vast inner realm; between these two stands the individual, facing now one and then the other and, according to mood or disposition, taking one for absolute truth by denying or sacrificing the other”

Carl Jung³

In people with well nurtured limiting beliefs, this question is often greeted with total perplexity. That is because limiting beliefs are not seen as such, they are seen as self evident facts. This in itself is a limiting belief. The idea that you can choose what you believe is, for many, a difficult concept to deal with.

So, what would be more useful to believe for someone coming up to an oral exam? This will vary considerably, but an example might be: “Examiners are there to bring the best out in the candidate” or “Examiners like passing people and will if they can.” Remember, the issue here is not what is true but what is most useful to believe, given that the aim is to pass the exam. If all beliefs, both positive and negative, have a chance of being true, then which will give the best chance of passing? Taking a moment to imagine walking into an exam with each of the different beliefs will provide the answer to that question.

Once you have identified a more useful belief, the revelation alone is often enough for you to abandon the original belief in favour of the new one.

How to find your own limiting beliefs

The following questions are designed to help you uncover the beliefs that stop you living your life in accordance with what is important to you.⁵ Write the answers down.

• In what areas of my life am I not achieving what I want?—Such as career, relationships, family life, work-leisure balance, fitness, income

• What do I say to myself to explain these failures?—Such as “I'm not clever enough,” “I'm not good looking enough,” “There's not enough time,” “I'm too old”

• What have these self limitations cost me?—List them all: such as achieving my potential, a partner, some great jobs, a lot of money, a sex life, happiness, health, self respect, job satisfaction, contributing my gifts

• In what ways have I benefited from these limitations?—Such as safety, an easy life, avoiding rejection, keeping the peace, time to have fun, not having to face up to things.

What to do when you've found them

Look at your answers and ask yourself which area of your life has most suffered from your limiting beliefs about it? If you could move forward in one area of your life, which one would make the most difference to you? Write down your most limiting belief about that area of your life and then ask yourself:

• What other causes could there be for me not achieving what I would like?—Aim to find at least five: for example, if you believe your failure to progress in your chosen career is because you are not clever enough consider other possible explanations, such as:

  • —You need to work on your interview or  exam technique
  • —You have not applied for enough jobs
  • —The specialty is extremely competitive,  and you just need to persevere
  • —You've been working in the wrong  department
  • —Your criteria for progress are  unrealistic

• What would it be more useful to believe? What new belief would really make a difference?—Write down at least three and choose the one that will make the most difference, such as:

  • —I have the ability to follow whatever  career I choose
  • —I have the perseverance and ability to  succeed
  • —A setback is an opportunity to learn,  and an essential step to success.

 If you have difficulty in finding useful beliefs think of someone who is successful in this area and ask yourself what must he or she believe to be so successful? What would it be like if you had the same belief?

Turning beliefs into reality

Changing a long held belief about something is easier said than done, bit it is also easier than you might think. Consider an important area of your life and look at your limiting belief about it. Then consider what you would like to achieve in this area and ask yourself if you think your goal is achievable. If you have a goal that you really believe is impossible to achieve, don't bother to go further. Alternatively, take that as your limiting belief.

Now look into the future and consider the consequences of holding on to your limiting belief. What is your life like now? What will your life be like next year, in five years' time, 10 years' time, 15 years' time? Think of every possible negative consequence and make it as bad as it could possibly be.

Now take your new, more useful belief and do the same thing. Paint the most wonderful picture you can. Where will you be, what will you be doing, how will people see you, how will you be feeling?

Now decide which one you want.