Nonbinary identity and pronoun use: A qualitative analysis

Abstract

Background and Aims

Limited psychological research focuses on the identities and pronoun use experiences of nonbinary and genderqueer people. The purpose of this qualitative study was to examine the experiences of nonbinary and genderqueer young people, particularly with respect to the use and significance of pronouns.

Method

Twenty nonbinary people between the ages of 18 and 28 were recruited through flyers, queer student groups, and social media to take part in an interview and brief demographic survey. Interview transcripts were analyzed using inductive thematic analysis.

Results

Four overarching themes were selected: “Beyond Binary Gender Restrictions,” “Pronouns as a Tool,” “Pronouns and Outness,” and “Nonbinary Enough.” Participants reported finding strength in their gender nonconformity while balancing complicated demands from their communities and from society at large. They also described their pronouns as playing important roles in social relationships and in identity affirmation.

Discussion

The diverse roles that pronouns play in the lives of nonbinary people illustrates the need for increased conversation and flexibility in using people’s pronouns. Results suggest that supporting nonbinary identities requires increased understanding, respect, and more active forms of allyship from cisgender individuals, including moving beyond conceptualizing gender as a binary.

Introduction

Pronouns are often taken for granted: most people do not consider their significance in not only referencing others in conversation, but also classifying them–typically as “he” and “man,” or “she” and “woman.” Pronouns become increasingly conspicuous, however, among nonbinary populations, who often identify as neither man nor woman. While nonbinary identities have become increasingly visible in recent years, they are understudied. What research exists, specifically on mental health outcomes and qualitative experience, indicates that nonbinary-specific studies are much needed to address the problems faced by those with nonbinary identities.

The term nonbinary is an umbrella term for those who identify outside of the gender binary of man and woman; genderqueer similarly refers to those who do not identify or express their gender within the binary (TSER, 2020). While nonbinary or genderqueer are often used as an umbrella term for genders outside of the binary, they are not necessarily interchangeable terms: some people identify as one but not the other. Following previous research into nonbinary genders (Richards et al., 2016), nonbinary and genderqueer will be used in this paper as the primary umbrella terms to describe anyone who does not identify within the gender binary. Nevertheless, some people may use other terms separately or in addition to genderqueer and/or nonbinary to describe themselves, and it is important to use the person’s terminology of choice for their own identity and experiences (Riggle et al., 2010). Further, Florence Ashley (2022) coined the term, gender modality, to describe how a person’s gender identity relates or corresponds with their gender assigned at birth. Transgender is one example of a gender modality and refers to anyone whose gender identity does not align with socio-cultural expectations of their sex assigned at birth¹. Transgender includes binary transgender people (transgender people whose gender identity is either a man or a woman) and nonbinary and genderqueer people, recognizing that not all people who identify differently from their assignment claim transgender as part of their gender identity.

Approximately 11% of the LGBTQ population identifies as nonbinary; this amounts to 1.2 million Americans, and the number is growing as more young people identify as nonbinary (Herman et al., 2022; Wilson & Meyer, 2021). Given the growing population as well as the mental health disparities between nonbinary transgender people, binary transgender people, and cisgender people, it is more important than ever to investigate the lives and experiences of nonbinary people. Existing research suggests that mental health outcomes (including rates of attempted suicide, prevalence of depression, and rates of psychological stress) for nonbinary people are worse than those for binary transgender people (Burgwal et al., 2019; Clark et al., 2018; James et al., 2016; Newcomb et al., 2020; Thorne et al., 2019). Furthermore, transgender identity of any kind is associated with economic hardship, increased exposure to sexual and physical violence, and negative physical and mental health outcomes (Conron & O’Neill, 2021; James et al., 2016; Koma et al., 2020; Reisner et al., 2016).

Minority stress theory may provide insight on how nonbinary people navigate systems designed in a binary way. Researchers found lesbian, gay, and bisexual people experience heightened levels of stress due to discrimination (Brooks, 1981; Meyer, 2003); Testa et al. (2015) adapted the minority stress model to apply to transgender and nonbinary groups and found that it measured gender-related stress as well. Frost (2011) examined the effects of social stigma on sexual, gender, and racial minoritized individuals and found that expectations of rejection exist within minoritized populations because societies are “structured in ways that perpetuate social stigma” regardless of “identifiable forms of discrimination” being present (p. 826). This may affect nonbinary people by causing increased stress in social situations: enough stigma exists for nonbinary populations that unless a space actively facilitates nonbinary inclusivity, this stress will remain pervasive.

Misgendering is among the forms of discrimination experienced by transgender and nonbinary populations. McLemore (2014) examined the misgendering of transgender people through the lens of it being an “identity misclassification” and found that high levels of misgendering are correlated with “more negative affect, less authenticity…and more transgender-felt stigma” (p. 51). The same study found that genderqueer people experience misgendering much more frequently than either transgender women or transgender men (McLemore, 2014).

Pronouns are particularly important for transgender and nonbinary people, as pronouns in the English language are one of the most pervasive social cues that indicate gender. Wider social issues can also be addressed through pronoun use. For example, the pronoun “he” is commonly used generically for all genders (e.g. “our new boss, whoever he may be, is from a competing company”), whereas “she” is used only to refer to women. Reducing the use of such androcentric language has been shown to contribute to reduced gender discrimination (Sczesny et al., 2016). Thus, pronoun use has profound social effects even among cisgender populations.

Language is seen as a tool to “legitimize genderqueer experiences,” and gender can be very personal in terms of expression and identity (Bradford et al., 2018, p. 155), which results in extremely diverse experiences all captured by the terms such as “genderqueer” and “nonbinary.” Language, including self-identification via pronouns, plays an important role in how people think about themselves as well as in how they are treated. Qualitative studies are needed in order to provide rich data about this multifaceted topic. Furthermore, pronoun use is particularly relevant for nonbinary people, since many languages use markers including pronouns to linguistically indicate gender, which is often a binary option. English has primarily binary options for singular personal pronouns (Stahlberg et al., 2007). “They” has been popularized as a singular non-gendered pronoun, as marked by Merriam Webster choosing the singular “they” as the word of the year for 2019 (Merriam-Webster, 2019); despite this change, nonbinary people are often misgendered. Misgendering includes being called the wrong pronoun or gendered term, as well as applying other incorrect gender assumptions to a person. The role that language plays in the social experiences of nonbinary people and in self-identification is significant.

Given the connections between pronouns and gender identity labels, the age (and stage of identity development) is a relevant variable for how people may use pronouns. Arnett (2000) built off of Erikson’s (1968) analysis of adolescent identity development, arguing that “emerging adulthood” is also a stage of particular interest for identity development. College students, then, engage in the two different processes of identity development: exploration and commitment. There is good reason to want to research pronoun use among adolescents (who may be more in the exploration stage of development) and emerging adults (who may be exploring and committing). Pronoun use (and significance) may change considerably in different contexts, at various points in identity development, and as nonbinary people age.

Given that pronouns play a vital but not-yet-understood role for many people with nonbinary identities, an appropriate next step seems to be to explore as broadly as possible how they affect nonbinary people’s experiences: from those who use binary gendered pronouns (she/her/hers and he/him/his), to the gender neutral pronouns (they/them/theirs), to neopronouns, which are pronouns other than they/them that are gender neutral (e.g. xe/xem/xyrs), to no pronouns at all. To this end, a qualitative research design allows for bottom-up data analysis that preserves the richness of individual experiences (Hammarberg et al., 2016) and allows for a more nuanced exploration of pronoun use on nonbinary people’s lives.

The purpose of this study is to explore the significance of pronoun use among nonbinary young adults. In particular, we are looking for what themes emerge from qualitative data taken from a diverse array of nonbinary people, so we might better understand: how do nonbinary people use pronouns? What role do pronouns play in validating and legitimizing identity? Are there recommendations for allyship that emerge from nonbinary people’s experiences with pronouns? Pronouns are perhaps the most pervasive form of gender-classification in English, and understanding better how pronouns play a role in nonbinary people’s lives will provide vital information for improving allyship and decreasing stigma felt by nonbinary populations.

Method

Participants

Participants (N = 20) ranged from age 18 to 28 (M = 20.25, SD = 2.32) and endorsed various gender labels, often multiple, including nonbinary, genderfluid, genderqueer, agender, and others. Of the 20 participants, 16 identified as European/white, 2 identified as Asian American/Asian, 1 identified as Hispanic/Latinx, and 1 identified as European/white and Native American/American Indian. (See Table 1 for the detailed demographic variables). Participants were recruited from two large universities in the United States via social media, queer student groups, and flyers. Recruitment criteria was that participants identified as nonbinary or genderqueer (even if they also identified as other, more specific labels) and were between the ages of 18 and 28. They were compensated with a $10 Amazon gift card for completing a short demographic survey and an in-person interview lasting approximately an hour; the interviews ranged between 44 min and 72 min.

Table 1.

Demographic variables of sample (N = 20).

Participant	Age	Gender identity	Race/ ethnicity
1	24	Nonbinary	European/white
2	28	Agender	Asian American/Asian (including Indian, Filipino)
3	20	Nonbinary/ Gender fluid	European/white
4	20	Nonbinary	Asian American/Asian (including Indian, Filipino)
5	18	Nonbinary/ Genderqueer	European/white
6	18	Nonbinary	European/white
7	21	Nonbinary	European/white
8	20	Nonbinary	European/white
9	20	Genderqueer	European/white
10	21	Nonbinary/ Transmasc	European/white
11	19	AFAB Genderqueer	European/white
12	18	Queer	European/white
13	21	Nonbinary transfeminine	European/white
14	20	Genderfluid/ Nonbinary	European/white, Native American/ American Indian
15	18	Genderqueer	European/white
16	19	Genderqueer woman	European/white
17	20	Genderqueer	European/white
18	22	Nonbinary	European/white
19	20	Genderfluid/nonconforming	European/white
20	18	Female/nonbinary	Hispanic/Latinx

Procedure

Flyers regarding the eligibility and purpose of the study were posted around the campus of a large midwestern, United States university. It has become increasingly common to include pronoun disclosures in a variety of settings and is considered a best practice for supporting LGBTQ people (GLSEN, 2020; Johnson et al., 2021). For many who may come from less queer-friendly areas, this may be their first interaction with people who use pronouns other than “he” or “she.” Potential participants emailed the study organizer, who confirmed they met eligibility requirements. Then, participants completed a demographic survey through Qualtrics before the semi-structured interview. Full questions are included in Table 2. Informed consent was obtained from all individual participants included in the study. One-on-one interviews were conducted in a private location on a college campus. The semi-structured interview was designed to collect information mostly on gender identity and pronouns, and their effects on relationships, experiences, and identity. The interview guide consisted of 15 questions, and any follow-up questions were based on responses (Table 3). The interview was recorded and uploaded to a secure data storage program. The interviews were transcribed by the first author, using an online computer-generated transcription service that offered end-to-end encryption of any uploaded files. Transcriptions were double-checked for accuracy and identifiable information was removed. The institutional review board at the University of Minnesota found that this study was exempt from IRB review (STUDY00006725).

Table 2.

Demographic questionnaire.

What is your age in years? What is your race? (check all that apply) African American/Black Asian American/Asian (including Indian, Filipino) Native Hawaiian or Pacific Islander European/white Hispanic/Latinx Native American/American Indian Arab/Middle Eastern American Not listed, please specify Prefer not to say What is your gender identity? (be as specific as you would like)

Table 3.

List of interview questions.

How would you best describe your gender, with and without using standard labels or terminology?  Do you identify as transgender?  What pronouns do you use, and are these pronouns context dependent? For example, if you use different pronouns with your friends than at work.  Have your pronouns changed over time? If so, can you walk me through that process of change?  How do you feel about terms other than pronouns that are gendered? (i.e. Mr./Mrs., girl, boy, etc.)  How consistently do people use your pronouns?  Do you have to ask people to use your pronouns, or do most people ‘guess’ correctly?  How do you feel when people use the correct pronouns versus incorrect ones?  Do your pronouns have an effect on how people treat you? If so, what do you think this difference is? How do your pronouns affect what you think about your own gender? How could others be better allies to you and others with your identity? Do you feel welcome in LGBT + spaces? Do you feel welcome in transgender spaces? Do people in the LGBT + community use your pronouns consistently?

Data analysis

A data-driven (or inductive) thematic analysis was used to identify themes and subthemes from semi-structured interviews (Braun & Clarke, 2006). Interview questions focused on how pronouns affected many complex aspects of participants’ lives: from how they behaved in various contexts, how they navigated using their pronouns, how they felt about both pronouns and identity, and how they were treated by others in response. Having an open-ended scope regarding what the possible significance of pronouns are for participants led to rich data on how pronouns, identity, and experience interact. Following transcription, the interview sections that involved pronoun use and nonbinary gender identity were separated in order to be analyzed. Two coders familiarized themselves with the data and separately created codes to describe recurring topics. They then discussed the codes they found and collaboratively decided on a set of codes to use. Codes were then categorized into themes and subthemes, and illustrative quotes were identified (Table 4).

Table 4.

Table of themes.

Theme 1: Beyond Binary Gender Restrictions	Theme 2: Pronouns as a Tool	Theme 3: Pronouns and Outness	Theme 4: Nonbinary Enough
1.1: Gender Labels	2.1: Pronouns as Reinforcing Recognition from Others	3.1: Social Relationships and Identity Disclosure	Theme 4.1: Invalidation of Nonbinary Identity
1.2: Challenging Norms	2.2: Pronouns as a Compromise	3.2: Misgendering and Negative Effects on Well-being	Theme 4.2: Resisting Dominant Nonbinary Stereotypes
	2.3: Pronouns as Affirming Identity
	2.4: Choosing Pronouns as Self Protection

Research team

Two faculty members, a graduate student, and one undergraduate student were involved in the writing and analysis portions of the project. The lead interviewer is a white, queer, nonbinary transgender person who uses they/them pronouns. The supervising professor is an Asian American, heterosexual, cisgender man who uses he/him pronouns. The graduate student is an Asian American nonbinary person who identifies as queer and transgender and uses they/them pronouns. The lead interviewer also coded with a supervising assistant professor, who is an Asian American, nonbinary and trans masculine, queer person who uses they/them pronouns. Each of these identities may have had an effect on the data collection and analysis, given that in-person interviews were completed and thematic analysis involves some subjectivity.

Results

Theme 1: Beyond Binary Gender Restrictions

Individuals of all genders are regularly labeled by others and expected to conform to the restrictions those labels imply (Brielmann et al., 2015; Hamilton, 1991). Participants discussed a desire to go beyond such restrictions, to create new and personal labels that avoid the limitations of the gender binary.

Theme 1.1: Gender labels

Participants discussed their understanding of their gender as being both creative and ambiguous. The process of discovering the correct terminology was an important stage in their identity development, but labels sometimes failed to capture the complicated nature of gender. Participants discussed accepting their gender as experienced, without trying to fit it into preexisting boxes. One participant described exploring their gender in terms of labels and then moving beyond that:

I guess definitely when I was younger it was newer, and I didn’t really understand like what I was feeling about my gender. I just know that I didn’t identify as a woman, and I didn’t identify as a man. So that was a lot of exploration. But as I’ve gotten older and especially within the past two or so years, I’ve just become very open to the fact that I don’t need to define myself by any sort of label, I guess. And so just like having that realization, having that understanding of myself has just made me a lot more like self-assured with my gender. (Queer, they/them, white, 18)

Another participant echoed attempting to understand their gender in a personal way, and trying to find methods of presentation that worked for them:

Um, there will always be some static, but eventually, I’ll hopefully find some terminology that I feel 100% comfortable with. Um, but right now I’m still in that state of like tuning my own gender performance and my own conceptual understanding of my gender, um, and how I am, um, presenting, um, sitting in my own gender and my understanding of it. (Genderqueer woman, she/her & they/them, white, 19)

Theme 1.2: Challenging norms

Some participants expressed their desire to break away from norms that were harmful to nonbinary people. They saw potential in making changes both individually and in community. One participant described being tired of the assumptions others make about the gender of strangers, and decided to do better:

Like my, I think like my motto for this last year, um, I think starting this spring actually, has just been like, do better, like, stop making excuses. It’s not like I woke up one day and was like, “Oh, yes, I will stop gendering everybody.” No, it was like, I woke up every day and was like, “I need to stop gendering people.” And then I would constantly revise, you know. I would see somebody walking down the street and be like, “Woah, why did I call that person a woman in my mind?” (Agender, no pronouns, Asian American, 28)

Another participant expressed frustration with queer communities for not separating itself from the normative ideologies that threaten queerness in the first place:

And there’s always these conversations going on about like, “Capital G gay people are more oppressed than bi people.” And like to me that’s just like the same conversation. And I’m like, “Why are we using like straight and cis epistemologies for like meanings of queerness? Like isn’t that really not the point?” (Nonbinary/Transmasculine, they/them, white, 21)

The existence of nonbinary identities as counter to the norm can be a source of distress, which will be explored in Theme 3, but they can also be a source of strength, movement, and personal growth.

Theme 2: Pronouns as a Tool

Participants discussed pronouns functioning as a tool in several ways, which aligns with the analysis found in the literature. Bradford et al. (2018) described that language is a means to “legitimize genderqueer experiences.” Conceptualizing language as a social tool and a method of legitimization goes a long way to explaining how pronouns and other gendered terms might influence thoughts about one’s gender.

Theme 2.1: Pronouns as reinforcing recognition from others

Participants understood that others were likely to default to certain pronouns if given an option. While some participants were fine with multiple pronouns, including those associated with their sex assigned at birth, a few participants used pronouns as a tool to reinforce their gender identity to friends and family. One participant said that they aimed to avoid being categorized:

I know that if I were to say to my friends and family, “I’m okay with any pronoun, um, like they/them, he/him, she/her,” they will always just call me she/her, and I don’t want that. So I’m, I just basically said that’s off limits because that’s what people will immediately gravitate to because that’s what their brains think about when they see me. So I dunno, it’s, it’s the default. So I don’t want it to be, I want other things to be the default. (Genderfluid/nonbinary, they/them, white/Native American, 20)

Another participant echoed this sentiment, saying they stopped using multiple pronouns for the same reason shared above:

Um, I mean people definitely used she the most, um, cause those are the pronouns that are associated with my assigned gender at birth. Um, but yeah, I think that’s also probably a reason why I stopped using all three because I think when people use multiple pronouns, um, it’s usually because they prefer like a mix of them. Um, so I would have wanted people to like, you know, mix it up every now and then. Um, so yeah, that was definitely my experience using multiple sets of pronouns. (Nonbinary, they/them, white, 18)

Theme 2.2: Pronouns as a compromise

Several participants discussed their attempts to make others more comfortable with their pronouns; some even used less-than-ideal pronouns in order to balance their need for recognition and the difficulties of social relationships. One participant characterized using binary pronouns for himself as uncomfortable, but the best option for the time being:

So um using, he/him/his, the pronouns that I was assigned at birth, and still identifying as nonbinary is sort of, uh, a compromise. Um, because I do feel things, I do feel, uh, gender related things, but I’m not comfortable with the pathways ahead of me. And so I don’t know, sometimes when I’m, sometimes I’m worried that I’m not doing enough to express my gender and that using he/him/his pronouns is a copout. (Nonbinary, he/him, white, 22)

Another participant, who expressed feelings of gender fluidity and prefers different pronouns on different days, chose to use primarily they/them pronouns in order to make it easier for others:

I use they/them pronouns. I’m always comfortable with he/him pronouns too. She/her pronouns are kind of weird to me just ‘cause people use them when they’re misgendering me. And so I know that it’s not great, but I’m honestly usually okay with all of them. But I don’t want to confuse people by my gender fluidity, so I just say they/them. (Genderfluid/Nonbinary, they/them, white/Native American, 20)

Another participant briefly used no pronouns, found that others had trouble adapting to not using any pronouns, and decided to switch to they/them pronouns:

Interviewer: So what was your experience like not using pronouns?

Participant: It was really nice but also it got really confusing for people because they would start to like use like gendered pronouns and like I didn’t associate with either gendered pronouns, so it felt uncomfortable for me…If I’m not going to have any pronouns it’s gonna, it’s going to be, it’s not going to be easy for everyone else to assimilate to, which is always frustrating. (Nonbinary/Genderqueer, they/them, white, 18)

One participant moved from neopronouns to they/them pronouns in part because they were easier to use:

Also [I] think that they’re [they/them pronouns] easier for people to use, so there’s that also. Um, but right now, those feel like maybe the best, they’re, I don’t think they feel 100%, right, and I’m like, I don’t think I ever will find pronouns that feel 100% right, but they feel the best out of like everything else I’ve tried. (Nonbinary, they/them, Asian American, 20)

Theme 2.3: Pronouns as affirming identity

Participants also expressed using pronouns as a tool to affirm their identities, both to themselves and to the world at large. While not every participant uses gender neutral pronouns, some found that using they/them pronouns allowed them to express their truest selves. Others discussed the idea of pronouns giving “permission” to identify and act in certain ways that were conducive to their identities. One participant discussed using they/them pronouns because the pronouns allow space for their gender fluidity and give them access to nonbinary communities that also use they/them:

So I think as I started to feel more comfortable with they/them, I feel that um, more, um, well, I feel able to be more fluid, because it’s more like, an umbrella. And I also feel more like—not necessarily on a spectrum, but more in my own world sometimes. I feel like I can be more comfortable there. Um, it also is nice to see other people that use those pronouns, um because then I feel like I can relate to them in a way and see how other people um identify while using they/them pronouns. (Nonbinary/Genderfluid, they/them, white, 20)

Another participant uses she/her pronouns in order to navigate her identity and express herself in a feminine way:

Um…I mean I guess like, I feel like they still let me play in the spaces that I’ve inhabited…Like for presentation of nonbinary people is that we’re gonna be very like androgynous and not really one way or the other, but like the center of an—androgyny is this like stereotypically masculine like appearance and so like sticking with she/her pronouns while being nonbinary still like—feels, maybe is opening the door to letting me like still wear dresses, and play in that space that feels like closed off for a lot of people or like, I always see things on twitter about like, “Nonbinary people can wear dresses, nonbinary people can be feminine,” um and I strongly agree with that, because that is, like, that –I don’t want to give up that kind of stuff. (Nonbinary, she/her, white, 24)

Another participant echoed the idea that pronouns can act as a means to remove behavioral restrictions from themselves. They found they/them pronouns comforting because they do not impose gendered limitations:

Um, so they/them feels like the most, right because, um, among a variety of other things, like it doesn’t push me one way or the other. It just allows me to exist, um, in the way that I do. (Nonbinary, they/them, white, 21)

Another participant reiterated that pronouns reaffirm their nonbinary identity and allow them to experiment with their gender presentation if they feel the need to:

Um, I think, um, deciding to use they/them pronouns has like, um, like kind of like re-establish the fact that I like don’t necessarily identify with the binary. Um, even though I do use, she like she/her pronouns because I like present more feminine. Um, but I think like the addition of they/them has like kind of given me like another opportunity in my mind I guess to like if I want to stop presenting as feminine, like I can always do that. (Nonbinary, she/her & they/them, white, 20)

Sharing and identifying with they/them pronouns also allowed for increased certainty regarding identity. For example, one participant said:

I think it feels better to say it, that I have, that my pronouns are she/her, they/them out loud, than just to like be like, “Yes, I’m just going to say she/her because it feels weird.” Yeah. So I don’t think it’s changed much, but it’s, it’s, it’s now more with my identity like confidently, well not quite confidently, but like I’m getting there. (Genderqueer, she/her & they/them, white, 20)

Theme 2.4: Choosing pronouns as self-protection

Participants acknowledged the reality of being called certain pronouns regardless of their wishes and gave permission for others to use those pronouns as a coping strategy. Some stated that they knew they would be misgendered if they requested only they/them pronouns, and so to control the situation, they accepted other pronouns as well. Specifically, one participant described the following:

Um, and I have considered just doing that, uh, just saying that I only use they/them. Um, and then just like, but I feel like it’s, it’s complicated because also with the she/her for me saying that I also use she/her um, allows me to like get over the hurdle of like that people will always misgender me. Um, and so by like reclaiming that and saying, “No, I’m also using these,” then that kind of takes the agency away from them and how they’re gendering me out of like default. (Genderqueer woman, she/her & they/them, white, 19)

Another participant described a similar experience with being called she/her pronouns and being addressed using gendered terms:

Um, so like when I introduce myself at like meetings or whatever that I’m doing, I just say like, “she/they,” because a lot of the time I feel like no matter what I say, like I’m still going to get–I was just biking on the road and a cop yelled like, "Hey ma’am" to me out of their window the other day. And it’s just like, I feel like if I just say that she is okay, then I’ll be like less bothered when people say that to me, but it’s not, I’m not less bothered (laughs). (Genderqueer, they/them, white, 18)

Another participant explained that he chooses to stick with the pronouns associated with his sex assigned at birth as a means of self-protection:

I don’t want to be misgendered. Um, and I feel like that would be a lot easier to do if I were more, um, out, I guess. Yeah. I don’t know. But in this nonbinary space, I don’t have a whole lot of ideas about how to express myself. And because um, female presentation isn’t something I’m comfortable with and I’ve had 21 years of not experiencing that or practicing that–it’s not something that I’m comfortable jumping headfirst into, especially when that isn’t how I see myself. Um, and the protecting myself as partly, um, just because I don’t know, uh, who would accept me and who would, uh, get upset with me for what I feel and what I see myself as. And I know family, uh, some of my extended family would definitely not, I know that for a fact. Uh, and that’s part of why, a small part of why, I’m hanging on to, uh, this yeah, identity that was given to me. (Nonbinary, he/him, white, 22)

Theme 3: Pronouns and Outness

Nonbinary people, especially those who use pronouns that may not align with others’ assumptions based on appearance, contend with a near constant choice: to disclose their pronouns, facing potential discrimination and judgment, or to keep them private, and be categorized and treated in a way that causes discomfort. People whose pronouns are they/them, for example, must make this choice with every new person they meet and situation they find themselves in. Many participants discussed the struggles of choosing to disclose their pronouns, how it feels when those pronouns are not respected, and the boundaries they make with those who refuse to respect their pronouns.

Theme 3.1: Social relationships and identity disclosure

Participants discussed choosing carefully what requests to make of the people around them. Many were aware that certain people in their lives would not be accepting of their identity, and so chose to refrain from disclosing their identity to those people, thereby setting boundaries. This concept of boundaries in this context refers to whom participants disclosed their identity, who they were willing to correct, and what they were willing to express regarding their own identity.

One participant has not tried to explain their identity to their family:

With my family, we only speak in Spanish so I use feminine pronouns with them ‘cause there’s nothing else. And they wouldn’t be able to understand anything other than that. (Female/Nonbinary, they/them, Hispanic/Latinx, 18)

Echoing this sentiment, another participant prioritized preserving their hometown community over sharing their nonbinary identity, though still corrected their immediate family on their pronouns. They did not think it was necessary for extended family and others in their hometown to know about their identity:

I’ve told my parents that I prefer uh they/them pronouns, or those are the ones I use, but uh, they don’t really understand I think… but uh, yeah, in my hometown, I usually just let it be because like grandparents and elder people aren’t necessarily gonna be able to wrap their heads around it sometimes, um, and I also don’t want to like risk losing that community. (Nonbinary/Genderfluid, they/them, white, 20)

Theme 3.2: Misgendering and negative effects on wellbeing

Since genderqueer and nonbinary people experience misgendering at such high rates, it is unsurprising that participants described misgendering as a common occurrence resulting in distress.

Participants discussed their emotional reaction to misgendering, as well as how it affected their relationships with loved ones. One participant described their feelings about family misgendering them:

Oh God, it feels so gross. Like it feels like there’s a limit to how much they love me, and I hit their limit. Because I mean like if love was unconditional, if their love was unconditional, they would respect my preferences and my changes and wanna make me feel comfortable. But because they don’t, it just is like, like a stab in the heart. It’s like, “Cool, you don’t care about me, even though you’re in my family.” It sucks. (Genderfluid/Nonbinary, they/them, white/Native American, 20)

Participants also discussed expecting to be misgendered by strangers but having higher standards from the people they care about. One participant described feeling numb to misgendering by strangers:

Um, honestly I’m kind of getting numb to it at this point. Um, if it’s, if it’s someone that I don’t expect that from, it still kind of a shock. Um, but I kind of expect strangers or people that I don’t know very well to, to still use the incorrect pronouns for me pretty consistently. (Genderfluid/Nonconforming, they/them, white, 20)

Furthermore, one participant explained that they have limited energy to correct people on their pronouns when misgendered:

So, um, I’ve been, like I said, working on my transition and experimenting with pronouns even so I’ve been working on moving into spaces and introducing myself using they/them and he/him pronouns. And I found that I actually like those better. Um, but like I, um, with family members or who don’t know me very well, I’ve found that like, I don’t have the emotional energy to correct people on my pronouns as of yet. And so I wear my pins and I live in my life and I just, if people are like, she, I’m like, “Yeah, okay. Like, okay, I know who you’re talking about.” (Genderqueer, they/them & he/him, white, 18)

Theme 4: Nonbinary Enough

Participants expressed feeling not only outside of mainstream cultural acceptability but also unable to find a place in transgender and nonbinary communities. Many balanced wanting to be perceived as gender nonconforming and wanting to be taken seriously in academic and other contexts. Others also discussed what the expectations for being a nonbinary person are and being unsure how their identity compared.

Theme 4.1: Invalidation of nonbinary identity

Participants discussed wanting to be taken seriously by two main groups: mainstream culture and queer (specifically, nonbinary and transgender) communities. Many felt that their nonbinary identity was incompatible with respect and validation in a variety of spaces. Some participants discussed wanting their nonbinary identity to be respected despite not conforming to expectations of gender-neutral expression. Others discussed fears of being disrespected by their non-queer friends and society at large, either explicitly or implicitly for using they/them pronouns.

One participant discussed wanting to be taken seriously by mainstream society, which caused them some discomfort in being out everywhere as nonbinary:

Um, yeah, I definitely feel nervous to even wear my pronoun pin sometimes. Um, cause I feel like people won’t take me seriously. I know that there’s like a huge stereotype with nonbinary people where it’s like they’re just like, like Tumblr nerds who have really strong opinions and um just want to get in your face about stuff. And the image that I know the world sees when they hear nonbinary is like someone who’s unprofessional or something like that, um someone who like feels, you know, it’s like the snowflake, whatever. I guess. I don’t think of nonbinary people like that, but I know that others like so many people do. (Genderfluid/Nonbinary, they/them, white/Native American, 20)

The same participant added that their self-consciousness extended to their experience within transgender communities, given that they felt as if they did not conform to standards expected of them:

I feel very invalid a lot in some trans communities, especially in communities where people are older. Cause I know that probably the majority of them are transmedicalists, and they don’t believe in nonbinary stuff. Um, and so I constantly, well this was definitely more of a thing before I cut my hair and started dressing more masculine, but I felt like I constantly had to like validate. Like yes, when I was a kid I always wanted to dress like a boy. Like when I was a kid, this is something I’ve always felt. Um, and I feel like I shouldn’t have to prove that to people, but I still did just cause I dunno, I didn’t feel like I was a part of the community, I guess. (Genderfluid/Nonbinary, they/them, white/Native American, 20)

Another participant cited fear of being mocked by those outside queer communities as a reason not to transition:

Um, and you know, obviously I wouldn’t transition even now, I don’t really have anything to transition into as [my gender] changes, but I’m just scared that I’ll be seen as a joke. I guess. I don’t have a reason to believe that, but I guess it’s easier to, uh, not do anything and take the chance. (Genderqueer, they/them, white, 19)

For one participant, transitioning from neopronouns to they/them pronouns also had the effect of their gender identity being taken more seriously within queer communities:

I mean I think people started taking me seriously when I started using they/them pronouns, which is like a not great thing to experience. But I was talking about like controversy around neopronouns, and neopronouns are like pronouns that are like derivative of like, words, um, and so like a lot of people are like, “But those are not valid, like you’re–,” a term that I’ve heard to those people is transtrender, which is the concept that you’re just being trans for like, funsies (laughs) or for like, social points. Um, and so like it’s a very like demeaning word, and so I think, I think people didn’t like start taking me seriously as far as like, “So you actually are nonbinary, you’re not just faking it, like you’re not just making these pronouns up for fun,” but like even in that vein, there are very—like using they/them/theirs pronouns does not make me more valid in like the eyes of like the rest of the world. It was mainly like from the queer community that I felt this like, “Well, you’re using these pronouns so I can respect you as a nonbinary person.” (Nonbinary, they/them, Asian American, 20)

Another participant discussed that some people use their gender expression as an excuse to not take their pronouns and identity seriously. This experience happened both within and outside of nonbinary communities:

I feel like, something I was talking about with my roommate, um, earlier this week, um, is that we feel like as, um, more feminine, nonbinary people sometimes, um, other nonbinary people who tend to the more, um, like masculine, androgynous presentation of being nonbinary, um, we’d sometimes feel like they might not take us as seriously as nonbinary sometimes. (Nonbinary, they/them, white, 18)

Theme 4.2: Resisting dominant nonbinary stereotypes

Some participants discussed initial resistance to identifying as nonbinary, often because it is less acceptable than binary transness both within and outside of queer communities. Furthermore, others discussed struggling to find how their own identity fit with expectations of gender neutrality. One participant explained their hesitation to begin using they/them pronouns because they felt they did not share characteristics with the stereotypical nonbinary person:

…the only people I knew that used they/them/theirs pronouns were like very masc. Like they were like very like, what you think about in, in your image of nonbinary, which is very much white, thin, flat chested, dyed short hair, septum ring, like (laughs), combat boots, denim jacket, that kind of image, and I was like, “I’m not that, and I don’t want to be that,” and I assu—I thought, like, “Well, they’re the only people I know that use they/them pronouns, and I don’t look like them and I don’t feel like them, so that must mean that those pronouns aren’t for me.”…then I think I got to college and realized that those were not the only nonbinary people, right, like, it’s who we see in media and it was who the real life people I knew were, but I think seeing people that like use they/them pronouns and were not that stereotypical image, told me that it was okay to use those pronouns, and that they weren’t inherently masculine or inherently feminine. (Nonbinary, they/them, Asian American, 20)

Another participant discussed embracing both their femininity and their nonbinary identity, a process that was not easy initially:

I feel like femininity is something that’s so looked down on. Um, and I feel like there’s a lot of pressure as an AFAB person to like kind of distance yourself from that. At least at first I feel like I’ve really struggled to feel accepted and like feel correct with the label of genderqueer or nonbinary because I felt like there was like this need for to be like hyper masculine to be accepted, and I’m still working through that for sure. Um, but I don’t, and like I reject transmedicalism of course, but I don’t feel like, like I love my body the way it is. Um, and I don’t reject, um, not reject, but like I don’t not identify with a lot of the things that are like traditionally like feminine or womanly I guess. Like I just don’t like to be limited. (Genderqueer, they/them, white, 18)

Another participant discussed the hesitation that they and their friends experienced in their exploration of using they/them pronouns due in part from negative stereotypes of using they/them pronouns. This participant said:

And like I, it was such like a common conversation in my high school, people being like… “I know I’m trans but I don’t know what pronouns to use.” And we’re like, “Oh no.” And then we’d have to go through it. And like such a common recurrence was like, “I want to use like they/them cause that feels most right but I don’t want to be a person who uses they/them,” and I mean like we were like, I don’t know, 16, Gen Z like we’re supposed to be the people who are like bringing up and breaking down gender. (Nonbinary/Transmasculine, they/them, white, 21)

Discussion

While nonbinary people face discrimination and associated negative health outcomes (Burgwal et al., 2019; Clark et al., 2018; James et al., 2016; Newcomb et al., 2020; Thorne et al., 2019), participants demonstrated resilience and creativity in developing coping strategies. Previous research has focused on mental health, and some work has been done to qualitatively examine nonbinary and genderqueer experiences (Bradford et al., 2018; Bradford & Syed, 2019). This qualitative study provides additional richness to the data available in understanding nonbinary experiences, and details the complicated and emotionally important role that pronouns play in the lives of nonbinary individuals.

The current study identified four themes: “Beyond Binary Gender Restrictions,” “Pronouns as a Tool,” “Pronouns and Outness,” and “Nonbinary Enough.” These themes illustrate the complexity of navigating a binary world with a nonbinary identity. Not all participants, and indeed, not all nonbinary people, use gender neutral pronouns such as they/them. Some use binary pronouns, multiple pronouns, neopronouns, or no pronouns at all. While no participant in this study currently uses neopronouns (such as xe/xem/xyr or ze/hir/hirs), the diversity of participants’ choices and pronoun use helps illustrate the complex and personal nature of nonbinary identities. While all participants self-identified as nonbinary, many used other terms for their gender identities; even those who shared the same identity label had vastly different experiences, relationships with their gender, gender expressions, and gender-related goals.

A significant finding of this study is that nonbinary people do not take pronoun choice for granted. Much time, consideration, and emotional work is put into choosing pronouns, and the pronouns a person uses can change as one’s identity changes over time. Participants described how labels can help and hurt identity security; pronouns are a method of gender labeling as well. Participants described experiences that were consistent with both exploration and commitment stages in identity development. The quotes illustrated in the section on gender labels (1.1) describe exploring various gender labels as they become more sure that certain labels correctly or incorrectly describe their experience. This search for the right language is particularly relevant to the identity development of queer young people (Porta et al., 2020), and reflects the need for more research on how pronoun use changes over the course of adolescence and adulthood.

Individuals become aware of linguistic gender-coding as infants (Zosuls et al., 2009), which shows how pervasive binary categorization is. Pronouns are a tool of categorization, though there are many other means by which we identify and categorize gender as well. To remove oneself from this pervasive system is difficult work that requires negotiation, compromise, and self-knowledge in the face of criticism.

While previous qualitative research on nonbinary and genderqueer individuals is sparse, findings from this study are not at odds with the existing research. Bradford et al. (2018) emphasized the important role of language in identity classification for nonbinary and genderqueer people, suggesting that pronouns and gendered terms have a significant impact on lived experiences. The “Beyond Binary Gender Restrictions” and “Nonbinary Enough” themes echoed findings from the same paper (Bradford et al., 2018), which described the complex navigation that genderqueer people undertake to balance the demands various communities. This finding echoes previous literature which found that those who identify as transgender often must balance the demands of cisnormativity (that is, that people act and present in ways that conform to one’s sex assigned at birth) with the demands of transnormativity (that is, that transgender people act and present in ways that are more acceptable to both queer communities and mainstream society). Two common elements of transnormativity are medicalization and gender binarism (Bradford & Syed, 2019). Connected to the concept of medicalization is the idea of transmedicalism, which is a doctrine that claims only transgender people who experience medically diagnosed gender dysphoria and are willing to medically transition (including hormones and surgery) are “actually” transgender. The desire that many participants endorsed to in part reject and in part conform to a gender-neutral expression echoes narratives related to transnormativity (e.g. Bradford & Syed, 2019). Part of this balancing is the act of conforming to some expectations while casting off others.

The significance of the “Beyond Binary Gender Restrictions” theme is that nonbinary identities can be a source of resilience and growth. Despite the systematic and personal challenges facing nonbinary people, participants expressed wanting to “do better,” to emulate the behavior they want to see in others, and to find strength in their own personal identities without feeling the need to conform to cisnormativity or transnormativity. There is tremendous strength there, but it is strength that is forced by unwelcoming communities, systematic discrimination, and stigma from the world at large and from loved ones. Participants emphasized that they were aware of the ways that pronouns could push their loved ones away from them. Yet pronouns also had a potential to validate and legitimize.

Participants shared that pronouns are often, but not always, an identification of one’s own identity and also an affirmation: like Bradford et al. (2018) acknowledged, a “tool to legitimize genderqueer experiences” (p. 155). Those who use different pronouns from the ones associated with their sex assigned at birth expressed feeling joyful and respected by those who properly use their pronouns. Honoring and putting effort into using nonbinary people’s pronouns is an important part of supporting nonbinary people. Furthermore, creating spaces that facilitate an inclusive environment for people to use their pronouns without fear of discrimination is a vital step. More research into how this can be done is greatly needed. However, in the meantime, results from this study suggest the importance of self-classification on identity and social development (Brewer, 1991) and provide direction on how to better support nonbinary people. For instance, this research shows that making an effort to use nonbinary people’s pronouns, and reducing the ways in which we gender strangers with our language can have significant effects for nonbinary people in those communities. Making an effort to correctly classify nonbinary people improves their experiences in their communities.

The theme “Pronouns and Outness” reflects the identity navigation that nonbinary people undertake. Misgendering, for example, is an almost universal experience for those who use they/them pronouns, and can be intentional or accidental. McLemore (2014) also reported that misgendering contributes to feeling stigmatized, and results in negative affect and reduced authenticity. Participants in this study described that misgendering happened often and had emotionally negative consequences. However, misgendering is a concrete symptom of an abstract problem: that nonbinary identities are not taken seriously, and that people’s genders are frequently assumed from their appearance. These assumptions have negative effects on cisgender people as well, especially those who are gender nonconforming or are women assumed to be men in male-dominated spaces (Ansara & Hegarty, 2014; Malli, 2017; Stout & Dasgupta, 2011). Binary transgender people are also negatively affected by misgendering, which is often systemic. One example is transgender people are regularly forced to use their sex assigned at birth rather than their gender for identification, as the process to have one’s gender legally changed can be complicated and expensive (Davis, 2014; Ross & Setchell, 2019). Another example is the pressure of “passing,” which is not a universal goal for transgender individuals (Anderson et al., 2019). Passing is a term coined to describe someone, who is usually transgender, successfully being perceived as the gender they hope to be perceived as; it is controversial within transgender communities because it can delegitimize those who do not currently pass, those who have no desire to pass, or those who have a desire to “pass” as a third gender (Urquhart, 2017). Relatedly, participants discussed a “nonbinary stereotype” that many felt they had to live up to in order to be validated as a nonbinary person.

This concept connects to the fourth theme, “Nonbinary Enough,” in which participants expressed the restrictions they felt were imposed on members of nonbinary communities to behave and present in certain ways in order to be validated. This mirrors past research on women’s conceptualization of the expectations placed on them to be “ideal women” and to conform with femininity (Ranjitha & Unnithan, 2017). Participants in the current study described feeling pressure to present and behave in androgynous ways, while noting that androgyny tends to refer to a more masculine presentation. Many, though, manage to overcome these expectations and express themselves genuinely.

This research highlights that nonbinary people face pressure from various areas in their lives to conform to social and cultural gendered expectations. The gaps in scientific knowledge about nonbinary people cannot be met with one or two studies: much work is still to be done. The applications of truly understanding the experiences regarding nonbinary people, though, are manifold: nonbinary people and their pronouns can tell us much about nonbinary, transgender, and cisgender experiences alike. The experiences of nonbinary people using pronouns can also tell us much about our cultural expectations about how pronouns are used and how they should be used. Accordingly, the research done on nonbinary identities tells us not only about nonbinary people, but also the binary systems that they are subverting.

Limitations

As a qualitative study with a relatively small sample, the results are not generalizable to the larger nonbinary community. As well, all study participants were recruited from colleges in the United States, which selects for demographics that may not represent the general population, or even the general nonbinary population. Participants were 80% white, which does not represent the general population. Furthermore, given that participants were recruited through campus queer interest groups, those that are less likely to engage in campus activities were less likely to have been recruited. Since all interviews were conducted in the English language, the results of the study are not applicable to other languages. Another important factor is the age of the participants; the age group of 18–28 is useful in gathering data about young adults and college students in particular, but more research is needed on whether similar patterns exist among older or younger nonbinary people.

Conclusion

Findings of this study indicate that nonbinary people’s experiences surrounding the use of their pronouns are deeply important and diverse. Nonbinary people navigate the frequently contrasting and inconsistent expectations that transgender, queer, and mainstream societies have of them. Pronouns are part of that navigation; they are often a means of identity affirmation but can also be a source of distress as others struggle or refuse to use them correctly. A significant finding of this study is the extent to which many nonbinary people consider their pronoun use carefully and with an understanding of how certain pronouns may isolate them from some communities and connect them with others. The relationship between pronouns, social experience, and stress ought to be explored with further research. Understanding how pronouns are important for nonbinary individuals and using them as requested is a significant part of affirming nonbinary and transgender identities.

All procedures performed in studies involving human participants were in accordance with the ethical standards of the institutional and/or national research committee and with the 1964 Helsinki declaration and its later amendments or comparable ethical standards.

Funding Statement

The author(s) reported there is no funding associated with the work featured in this article.

Disclosure statement

No potential conflict of interest was reported by the author(s).