Abstract
BACKGROUND:
The experience of guilt among parents is a common phenomenon, and it has been widely discussed in the context of family-interfering-with-work or work-interfering-with-family conflict. The present study aimed at understanding the phenomenon of parenting guilt and the factors leading to that in parents of toddlers living in nuclear families in India.
MATERIALS AND METHODS:
The online study was conducted from 2021 to 2022, on parents from India, using purposive sampling. Participants were selected using a screening tool to preliminary assess parenting guilt which was constructed in-house through an extensive literature review and was subjected to content validation by experts. Individuals with a score of 3 or more “yes” responses were recruited, and in-depth interviews were conducted until saturation was achieved. Data were collected from 12 participants with the help of a semi-structured interview guide which were audio-recorded. Data were analyzed using an interpretative phenomenological approach.
RESULTS:
The interpretative phenomenological analysis suggested that parenting guilt stemmed due to the inability of the parents to fulfil their role expectancies as parents. This is due to various internal factors, like inability to fulfil one’s role expectancies as a parent, insatiable parenting expectations, counterfactual thinking, responsibility for unforeseen circumstances, and guilt leading to more guilt. The external factors include lack of time, opinions of others, quality of other relationships at home, and lack of adequate guidance.
CONCLUSION:
The study provides insight into parenting guilt within an Indian context and highlights the importance of proper guidance for parents. These findings can inform the development of interventions aimed at increasing parents’ awareness of their parenting practices.
Keywords: Parenting guilt, role expectancies, work–family conflict, work–family guilt
Introduction
Parents have a pivotal role in growth and development of children to their maximum potential. Balancing parenting demands and work is a significant task for employed parents of young children.[1] For women who are employed, work–family balance is a challenge because of the traditional roles of women as housewives and caregivers are deeply rooted.[2] In India, from past few decades there has been a rise in employment of females, particularly in urban regions[3] which may lead to work–family conflict, where the work roles and family roles are incompatible with each other.[4] These challenges result in guilt which can be defined as a negative or an adverse emotion that develops when individuals breach their internalized standards regarding what signifies as appropriate behavior.[5]
In the context of working parents, parenting guilt is defined as a cognitive–emotional response to intrapersonal negative self-appraisal experienced by a parent related to real or perceived harm or wrong-doing to their child as a result of their beliefs that they should have thought, felt, or behaved differently.[6] Research has shown that parenting guilt has several negative consequences on parents as well as children. Guilt has been associated with traditional maternal role beliefs among mothers.[7] The burden to be the perfect mother and internalizing guilt can be damaging for mothers.[8] Guilt may lead parents to behave in ways leading to long-term adverse consequences, like decreasing the day-care hours or quitting their job, stress, risk for maladjustment and neurosis.[7] In India, transitioning from joint families to nuclear families[3] work–family balance is a challenge for women and their employers because of the traditional roles of women as housewives and caregivers are deeply rooted.[2] Working women may suffer more because they have responsibilities of job and taking care of children, husband, in-laws and perform other domestic duties and this may lead to maladjustments at home or at work.[9]
The current study includes the parents of toddlers in the age range of 1–3 years because this age range well exceeds the parental leave norms in India, but it precedes the enrolment age for most preschools. This helps us tap into a period filled with work–family conflict among employed parents due to several parenting demands on them.[10] Although the literature talks about parents feeling guilty, it was studied in the context of family-interfering-with-work or work-interfering-with-family conflict. The literature acknowledges the presence of parental guilt, but there is less clarity about this phenomenon in the Indian context and inadequate literature that seek to explore this construct among nonworking parents. Therefore, this study seeks to explore the phenomenon of parenting guilt among parents of toddlers, both working and nonworking.
Materials and Methods
Study design and setting
The present study is a qualitative study which employs a phenomenological approach and was conducted between July 2021 and April 2022. It was conducted online, in India.
Study participants and sampling
Participants were Indian parents of toddlers, residing in nuclear families. Purposive sampling was employed and families with toddlers according to the inclusion criteria were approached through social media platforms. Inclusion criteria include working or nonworking parents of toddlers of age range from one to three years, parents scoring high on the screening tool, belonging to a nuclear family residing in India and those who were able to communicate in the English language. In all, a total of 12 families provided consent to participate.
Data collection tool and technique
A screening tool was constructed and subject to content validation to screen parents for parenting guilt.
Participants were recruited by circulating posters of the study on social media platforms, like Instagram, Facebook, WhatsApp, Linked-In, and Twitter. The posters had a link and a QR code which directed the interested participants to the Google form with a consent form, participant information sheet, a sociodemographic sheet including their email id, and the screening tool. Participants who scored high on the screening tool were contacted for an in-depth interview through email. The mail included a link to an excel sheet to select a time slot for the interview, as per their preference from the given and available time slots and an email id and password to log in for the interview. The interview was conducted through Skype. Consent was obtained before audio-recording the interviews. Interviews ranged from 40 min to 1 h. During the conduct of the interview, the video of the participants was turned off to maintain anonymity. The interviews were audio-recorded using an in-built recorder which was present on the mentioned platform. The recorded audio file was used to transcribe the data.
Ethical consideration
The study was approved by the Institutional Ethics Committee (IEC No: 616/2021) and by Clinical Trials Registry of India (CTRI/2021/12/038983).
Statistical analysis method
The interpretative phenomenological approach (IPA) was used for the analysis of data. The primary goal of this method is to learn how individuals made sense of their experiences.[11] The data collected through interviews were subject to rigorous analysis through the processes of coding, abstraction, and interpretation under the supervision of an expert. The abstraction process led to the emergence of themes and subthemes, which were interpreted and discussed.
Results
The demographic details of participants, in-depth interview guide, and the factors leading to parental guilt are given in Tables 1-3. The themes that emerged through the abstraction process have been elaborated on in the discussion section.
Table 1.
Participants sociodemographic details
| Characteristics | Details | |
|---|---|---|
| Age range | Range (27–40) | |
| Mean (32±3.89) | ||
| Gender | Females (n=10) | |
| Males (n=2) | ||
| Employment status | Employed (n=9) | |
| Unemployed (n=3) | ||
| Average working hours | 39.8±20.18 | |
| Number of children | 1 child (n=10) | |
| 2 children (n=2) | ||
| Socioeconomic status | Upper middle (n=11) | |
| Lower middle (n=1) | ||
| Employment status of spouse | Employed (n=11) | |
| Unemployed (n=1) |
Table 3.
Factors leading to parental guilt
| Number | Themes and subthemes | |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Internal factors leading to guilt | |
| 1.1 | Inability to fulfil one’s role expectancies as a parent | |
| 1.2 | Insatiable parenting expectations | |
| 1.3 | Counterfactual thinking | |
| 1.4 | Responsibility for unforeseen circumstances | |
| 1.5 | Guilt leading to more guilt | |
| 2 | External factors leading to guilt | |
| 2.1 | Lack of time | |
| 2.2 | Opinions of others | |
| 2.3 | Quality of other relationships at home | |
| 2.4 | Lack of adequate guidance |
Table 2.
In-depth semi-structured interview guide
| According to you, what is the role of a parent in child rearing? |
| What are some of the challenges you have faced as a parent? |
| What do you think are the different factors that lead to these challenges? |
| What do you feel or what emotions do you experience when you face these challenges? |
| Do you have any form of support when it comes to parenting your child? How does it make you feel? |
| The emotions you feel, can they be related to the feeling of guilt? Can you elaborate on some instances where you have felt guilty about your parenting? |
| What happens when you feel guilty? What makes you say that, can you please elaborate? |
| How do you think these feelings of guilt affect your child rearing? |
| What do you do to overcome these feelings of guilt? |
Discussion
Internal factors of guilt include internal processes related to the parent, for instance, their attributional styles and thoughts, which lead to feelings of guilt. The main factor was an inability to fulfil one’s role expectancies as a parent like they felt that they were unable to provide for the child holistically, could not fulfil their demands and desires, unable to communicate efficiently with the child, difficulties to care for the child’s nutrition, to spend quality time with the child and to facilitate the child’s moral, mental, or emotional development. The traditional attitudes toward roles of a parent, especially among mothers, inadvertently repeating the parenting mistakes their parents made, fear of missing out on child’s developmental milestones, unable to develop a reciprocal emotional bond with the child, to choose between child and work were also crucial for developing guilt.
Excerpt 1: ‘There are things that need to happen at certain points in life, so even if I do somehow get to a place where I can give her more time and spend more time with her today, what I missed in the last years is already gone. This is not something that I can bring back and those are pivotal moments in a child’s growth so I will feel guilty’.
A related subtheme which emerged was parents have insatiable parenting expectations from themselves, usually stem from a need for perfection and hence, when they were unable to meet those idealized expectations, they experienced guilt. Holding extremely heightened parenting expectations can be a source for guilt as well as shame. Some parents reported that they felt guilty despite any outcome for their child which indicated that they constantly kept raising expectations from themselves and hence unhappy about their parenting. Some parents seemed to have idealized the parenting given by their parents and expressed the fear that they will be unable to match the quality of care provided to their child by the grandparents and constantly dreaded about the outcomes they would face. On several occasions, parents felt guilty because they were exhausted and were having troubles managing work and home. The factors which lead to guilt and shame mostly overlap; however, one main distinction between guilt and shame is that guilt focuses more on certain actions taken or not taken, whereas shame focused more on the individual themselves.[12]
Excerpt 2: “you always feel that maybe if you do so much more it is better for the child. It’s always like there’s a little less that you have done”
Participants often experienced guilt due to counterfactual thinking. They would often realize that they made certain inappropriate parenting decisions, and then, they come up with alternatives of how they could have behaved instead. Guilt stemmed due to various insights and realizations among parents such as parent’s actions were inappropriate, such as smacking or scolding the child, comparing the child to others, and unrealistic expectations from their children. However, these realizations have a very adaptive value, participants reported that these insights helped them improve themselves and make more informed choices, but an inability to make better choices led to feelings of helplessness and shame.
Excerpt 3: “Sometimes, I just scold my children even I hit them because sometimes we are helpless and if they are not concerned, it affected me. I don’t want to scold them and I feel very bad after that, I also burst into tears. It’s totally depending upon the work stress, even small things also irritate and kids become a very easy target. If I’m on call I don’t have time to convince them, it is easy to just give them a slap and tell them to keep quiet, makes it easier in that moment but again it gives you more stress”.
Consequence of displacement of anger and frustration toward child can negatively impact the child–parent relationship in the long run and the child’s psychosocial development. Guilt also stemmed when parents took responsibility for unforeseen circumstances. Some parents reported that they felt guilty for their poor health or of other family members because they were unable to take care of their child during those times. Parents also took responsibility for not being more careful with their child and blamed themselves if their child was unwell. Some parents also experienced feelings of helplessness when they were sudden guests over and they interrupted their quality time with their child. So, parents felt guilty when unforeseen life events disrupt their plans and interfere with their child rearing responsibilities.
Excerpt 4: “An incident which happened when she was much younger, because I was an extremely stressed mother, she fell sick and there were a lot of hospital visits and I felt I was not doing enough to take care of her, and I took the sole responsibility of that’.
Another subtheme which emerged was that guilt led to more guilt, when parents were unable to spend quality time with their child or maybe scolded them unnecessarily, bribed them with gifts, or by not punishing the child’s misbehavior, which inadvertently led to increased demandingness, stubbornness, and tantrums of the child. Hence, parents felt guilty for their permissive parenting behaviors and blamed themselves for “spoiling” the child.
Excerpt 5: “When I feel guilty, usually I bribe them, like I just scolded them for no reason, it was not their fault, so, usually end up giving them a chocolate or any extra things just to pamper them. So, that makes me feel sad sometimes, like I am spoiling them because if we are giving them once this kind of option, the next time, they will make it as their weapon. So, I sometimes felt that I am the reason that’s why they are behaving in that way. It is somehow affected their upbringing, their natures, their personality”.
Some studies supported the findings of the present study, such as considering oneself deviating highly from the notion of an “ideal mother,” perfectionism, and traditional role stereotypes among mothers.[13,14,15,16]
External factors related to guilt include lack of time, opinions of others, quality of other relationships at home, and lack of adequate guidance. Lack of quality time with their children due to work commitments or household chores and the felt need to prioritize work over the child was a source of guilt.
Excerpt 1: “Once my daughter was not feeling very well and she had to go to the doctor but I had some travel commitment and some meeting was fixed, so I had to travel on that night. My wife had to manage alone. It’s not been once but a couple of times that she has not been well when I was supposed to stand up for her. I think that I have neglected her health sometimes due to work commitments which I shouldn’t have.”
Opinions of other people significantly affected parents because participants reported that when others, especially loved ones questioned their parenting methods, they ended up doubting themselves and felt guilty and hurt. Some mothers stated that they felt guilty about things they were doing or not doing after comparing themselves to other mothers around them. Several working women also mentioned that a significant portion of their guilt came from their husbands’ expectations that they would provide more for their children and encourage them to spend more time with them.
Excerpt 2: “So whenever he falls sick, I never go to college; I will always take a leave. But my husband says why do you need to go, the kid is small and you can join work when he is a little older. Or during an argument or a fight, he once said to me that if I cared enough for my son, I would not have gone for my job. So, I felt very bad that time, I cried.”
Excerpt 3: “Other people who always reminding you or gives unsolicited advice which makes you think if you are doing anything wrong. I’m working and my daughter is in a stage where she she’s not speaking full words she’s just speaking like ‘mumma’, ‘papa’ like two words. So, there are people who keep telling me that because I am busy in my office work and I don’t interact with my child, she’s not learning to speak. So, sometimes I think am I doing wrong, Should I have started speaking with her a bit more Or should I make her read books. I know she will speak but sometimes these things will also make you think that you are lagging behind or you’re as a parent, doing something wrong”
Several studies have investigated work–family conflict and have suggested that it is an important source for guilt in parents.[15,17,18] Also, many parents reported that there revolves some level of social stigma when it comes to sharing one’s emotions relating to guilt, where many parents are asked to be strong and not emotional by others. An attempt to express negative emotions associated with parenting guilt was sometimes met with criticality and an unempathetic ear by the family, including their spouse. Participants also felt that the quality of other relationships at home and child witness fights at home affected their child rearing and leading to guilt.
Excerpt 4: “I feel I am not very conscious about parenting, about how we should make our child feel or how it would badly affect our children’s behaviour and upbringing. So even I am not a very conscious parent I’m just learning in my experience, whatever books, articles I read, I am just trying to find ways to grow up as a parent but still don’t know whether I am on the right path or not”.
Factors leading to parenting guilt can be explained using the work–home resources model as well.[19] The model provides a framework for explaining the interaction between work resources, work demands, home resources, home demands which affect attitudinal outcomes among parents. Since the present study focuses on parenting guilt, the complex interaction between these factors can be used to understand the feeling of guilt among parents. The guilt is due to a complex interplay between the life situations and challenges faced, their beliefs and attitudes toward their responsibilities as a parent, the variety of emotions experienced, their reactions and responses to these emotions, the amount of stress experienced by them.
Based on the information conveyed by parents during interviews, they expressed a felt need for adequate guidance when it came to parenting, even though they tried to incorporate things into their parenting based on information from books, magazines, and from opinions of others. One parent said that parenting-related workshops helped in dealing with their parenting-related anxiety, and hence, they made their spouse attend it as well. So, there was a very strong need expressed for proper guidance related to parenting to help parents receive some reassurance about what they were doing for their child was correct or not.
Several studies have investigated work–family conflict and have suggested that it is an important source for guilt in parents. Factors, such as WIF conflict, FIW conflict, long working hours, pressure from husbands regarding parenting, and inflexible working hours, were observed.[15,17]
In a previous research, it was found that guilt came up in parents who allowed their children to eat excessive or junk food and these practices could be attributed to both internal and external factors. Internal factors included a need to secure their child’s affection through treats, whereas external factors included time scarcity and cost.[20] The present study supports the results of this study. Apart from giving treats to secure a child’s affection, parents also fed children junk food because of its convenience, in terms of, it takes less time to prepare and children usually do not make a fuss about eating it and their busy work schedules.
Factors leading to parenting guilt can be explained using the work–home resources model as well.[21] The model provides a framework for explaining the interaction between work resources, work demands, home resources, and home demands can affect attitudinal outcomes among parents (guilt). Based on the responses of the participants, contextual work demands, which increase parental stress, include inflexible working hours, hostile work environment, hectic and tiring work schedule, travelling jobs, and so on. Contextual work resources included cooperative working environment, flexible working hours, and independence to make decisions. Home demands included caring for the child and other family members, caring for unwell members, and household chores. Home resources included the presence of support of other family members or house-help. Individual resources in both domains included the parent’s self-efficacy, good physical and mental health, positive affect, intellectual skills, time, and money. Contextual work and home demands deplete individual resources, whereas contextual work and home resources enrich individual resources. The complex interaction of these demands and resources would affect parental outcomes in terms of production, behavior, and attitudes. Since the present study focuses on parenting guilt, the complex interaction between these factors can be used to understand the feeling of guilt among parents. One drawback of this model is that there is an excessive focus on resources, the model does not have much space to incorporate parental role expectancies and their personal beliefs, which forms one of the major sources of guilt for parents.
The guilt experienced by parents was not just a result of certain negative consequences of their actions, but rather a very complex interplay between the life situations and challenges faced, their beliefs and attitudes toward their responsibilities as a parent, the variety of emotions experienced, their reactions and responses to these emotions, and the amount of stress experienced by them. All these factors appear to be deeply intertwined and affect the extent of guilt felt by the parent.
Limitation and recommendation
Although the present study focuses on both mothers and fathers, the study included 10 mothers and two fathers. Since the study did not aim to make comparisons between mothers and fathers, separate saturation points were not used. However, the representation of fathers in the sample was not equal to that of mothers. The present study focused only on nuclear families. Despite the shift from joint to nuclear families, India is still a country where the majority of the population lives in joint families.
Future research can explore parenting guilt among different kinds of family structures, like joint families, extended families, and single-parent families. They can look into the comparison of the experiences of parenting guilt among mothers and fathers. Cultural comparisons related to parenting guilt can also be explored as well. Specific sociodemographic variables of parents, like educational level, socioeconomic status, age of the parents, gender, marital status, sexuality, ethnicity, religion, and so on, can be included. Variables related to children, like age of the child, number of children, and gender of the child, can be considered as well.
Conclusion
The study helps to understand the phenomenon of parenting guilt among parents of toddlers in an Indian setting and has come up with several insights which will serve as a basis for future research. These insights can be useful in the construction of interventions for parents to help them become more aware and well informed about their parenting. There is a need for greater sensitivity toward parents and a need for others to give them an empathic ear rather than unsolicited advice, on a societal level. The study also supports the need for more flexible and cooperative working environments for parents for their psychological well-being. Future research can explore parenting guilt among different types of family structures and also the comparison of the experiences of parenting guilt among mothers and fathers. Cultural comparisons related to parenting guilt can also be investigated. Specific sociodemographic variables of parents, like educational level, socioeconomic status, age of the parents, gender, marital status, sexuality, ethnicity, religion, and so on, can be included.
Conflicts of interest
There are no conflicts of interest.
Acknowledgment
This paper is a result of a joint collaborative effort, and I, Prachi Mota, would like to extend my gratitude to my guide Ms. Priyanka Krishnan, and co-guides Dr. Varalakshmi, Ms. Sreelaksmi Edavana Santhosh, and Mr. Dan Issac Pothiyil for their invaluable insights and constant support.
Funding Statement
Nil.
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