Table 3.
Non-elite services
| Customers | Services | What we can do for you |
|---|---|---|
| Governments, health insurance companies, and health maintenance organisations | OUR (Opportunistic Use of Research) support | We can find whatever research there is that supports your views and trash any research that is in conflict with your views. (Note: if you change your views, there will be an additional charge for this service.) We can also help you to design evaluations that will take as long as you want. In the rare event that one of our studies does not give you the answers you want, we will give you ample warning so that you can cut the study's funding and suppress its findings |
| Professional organisations | POMP (Professional Opportunities to Maximise Profit) | We can find whatever research there is to support aggressive use of your guild's services and trash any research that suggests that your services are not highly effective |
| Clinicians and hospitals who might get sued | TIT (Trials in the Interest of Treating) for clinicians and hospitals | Our package of preventive services includes our generic informed consent forms, modelled after the forms we use to get study patients to waive their right to receive information. When you are sued, we can provide you with the evidence you need to defend yourself and your staff, regardless of whether you were right or wrong, and we can trash the plaintiff's evidence |
| Patients and patient organisations who might want to sue | TAT (Trials for Advocating Treatments) for patients and patient organisations | If you want to sue your care giver, we can provide you with the evidence you need and trash the defendants' evidence. If your organisation wants to demand a treatment, no matter how useless it might be, we can provide you with the evidence you need to support your claims |
| Lawyers | EWOCs (Expert Witnesses On Call) | We can provide you with expert witnesses and the research to back their testimony, and we can attack the credibility of the other side's experts. (Note: if we are asked to provide witnesses for both sides, we guarantee results only for the side that offers us the largest fee) |
| Academics | SALAMI (our how to Succeed in Academic Life Advice and Mentoring Institute) | We can teach you how to pad your curriculum vitae, raise your profile, exploit your trainees, and slice your research results into a minimum of one article per enrolled patient |