Adult Children of Gay and Lesbian Parents: Religion and the Parent-Child Relationship

Abstract

Previous scholars have explored various challenges facing children of gay and lesbian individuals, and some have explored the impact of a parent’s sexual orientation on the parent-child relationship. However, the impact of religion on the parent-child relationships of adult children with a gay or lesbian parent has been overlooked. In this study, 10 adult children with both a gay or lesbian parent and a heterosexual parent were interviewed and asked to retrospectively explore how religion impacted their parent-child relationships. The following themes emerged from phenomenological analysis of the interviews: (a) family break-up more difficult than the parents’ coming out; (b) discovery that parent was gay or lesbian; (c) initial shame over having gay or lesbian parent; (d) positive aspects of having a gay or lesbian parent; (e) redefined relationship with religion; and (f) impact of culture on how gay and lesbian individuals are viewed.

Previous scholars have found that children with gay and lesbian parents do not significantly differ from children raised by heterosexual parents (Stacey & Biblarz, 2001; Tasker & Golombok, 1995). Over the years, researchers have started to investigate the perspectives of adult children who have been raised by gay and lesbian parents (Bailey, Bobrow, Wolfe, & Mikach, 1995; Tasker & Golombok, 1995), and the focus has moved beyond exploring stigma to understanding their long-term experiences in greater depth (Goldberg, 2007a, 2007b).

These children may have been raised by an intact gay or lesbian couple since infancy, but others may have to balance relationships with both gay and heterosexual parents. These may be children who were originally born into a heterosexual relationship in which one parent came out later in these children’s lives, or in rarer cases children who were initially part of a family led by a gay or lesbian couple and must cope with family disruption when one parent enters into a heterosexual relationship. One variable that has more recently been considered is the impact of religion on family members’ acceptance of a gay or lesbian relative (Lease, Horne, & Noffsinger-Frazier, 2005; Lease & Shulman, 2003). Religion is also likely to impact the relationships between children and their gay or lesbian parent, but to date this has not been explored.

The majority of literature addressing religion and sexual minority individuals, regardless of their parenting status, has focused on religious stigma. The manner in which doctrines are developed, interpreted and/or practiced within many fundamentalist and conservative denominations may result in intolerance toward gays and lesbians (Hunsberger, 1996). While theology within religious communities varies, intolerance may lead to a variety of consequences for both parents and children. In the same way that religious sanctions against homosexuality may lead gays and lesbians to internalizing this homonegativity (Lease et al., 2005), their children could internalize these views as well. Conversely, when individuals and families are able to resolve the apparent conflict between accepting a gay or lesbian family member and religious homonegative messages, the outcomes can eventually be more positive (Lease & Shulman, 2003).

As discussed below, the impact on families occurs over time, and relationships within the family as well as with their religion may change as children are able to reflect on their experiences and mature themselves. Therefore, the goal of the current study was to examine the perceived role of religion over time in the parent-child relationships of adult children with a gay or lesbian parent and a heterosexual parent.

Coming Out to Children

When gay and lesbian parents come out after they have established families in a heterosexual relationship, the coming out process affects the entire family (Armesto, 2002; Beeler & DiProva, 1999; Bozett, 1980; Van Voorhis & McClain, 1997). For the gay or lesbian parents, disclosing their sexual identity to their children presents significant challenges. Gay and lesbian parents may believe that coming out could cause their children to be stigmatized, but not coming out could also create a distance in the parent-child relationship. Armesto (2002) noted that gay men commonly choose to stay distant from their wives as well as psychologically and emotionally distant from their children to avoid rejection. Parallel to the parents’ coming out process, children of gay and lesbian parents must also learn how, when, and to whom they want to come out. The process through which children of gay and lesbian parents negotiate their own coming out and their relationships with their parents can also be affected by stigma similar to that experienced by gay and lesbian individuals themselves. In addition, families often create their own rules about discussing homosexuality and/or may experience negative emotions following the coming out process (Beeler & DiProva, 1999).

Herek, Gillis, and Cogan (2009) found that gay, lesbian, and bisexual individuals who were more religious had higher scores on the Revised Internalized Homophobia Scale (IHP-R), suggesting that internalized heterosexism or self-stigma was positively related to religious-based homonegative messages. The coming out process can be influenced by internalized heterocentrism (Pachankis & Goldfried, 2004), religiously-based homonegative messages, and perceived social support. Consequently, a highly religious parent’s internalized homophobia in combination with the reactions from the community could more strongly affect when and how they disclose their sexual orientation to their children.

According to Goldberg (2007a), adult children of gay and lesbian parents were more aware of heterocentrism and homonegativity after their parent came out to them, and reported that their psychological wellbeing may be used as a gauge by society to determine the aptness of gay and lesbian parenting. However, children whose gay or lesbian parent came out to them later in life may have learned to internalize heterocentrism. These children can be affected by societal stigma from their cultural and religious communities and may worry about how this could impact their own social support. Since children of gays and lesbians may limit to whom they come out, they may seek support from their families, and more specifically from their nuclear family. However, if their parents were originally in a heterosexual relationship, the nuclear family is likely to be disrupted by divorce. In these cases religious and cultural based homonegativity may exist in messages from the family and the larger society. According to Garner (2004), children’s beliefs about the divorce, their gay or lesbian parent, and their heterosexual parent is often framed by the heterosexual parent’s reaction to their partner coming out. Clearly, the relationship between the children and their gay or lesbian parent could be negatively shaped if the straight parent was homophobic, as these views will likely be conveyed to their children. It is important to note, however, that conservative religious communities often view divorce itself negatively regardless of issues with sexual orientation. Thus, children in religiously conservative families will likely experience additional stress as a result of their parents’ divorce.

Families of Gay and Lesbian Individuals

Researchers started exploring the psychological and emotional well being as well as gender identity development of children with gay and lesbian parents in the 1970s, and they have since focused on breaking down stereotypes that gay and lesbian parents are unfit (Patterson, 2005; Tasker & Golombok, 1995). Scholars (e.g. Stacey & Biblarz, 2001; Tasker & Golombok, 1995) have found that adult children raised in gay and lesbian families do not differ from children raised in heterosexual families in regard to well-being, psychological functioning, or interpersonal relationships. Further, Patterson (2006) stated that as with other marginalized groups, assumptions about gays and lesbians are more often supported by stereotypes over empirical evidence.

Individuals who have a gay or lesbian family member may directly experience stigma and bear witness to the marginalization of their gay and lesbian family members (Arm, Horne, & Levitt, 2009; Beeler & DiProva, 1999; Goldberg, 2007a). While children with gay and lesbian parents are susceptible to homonegativity in society, there has been no empirical evidence to suggest these painful messages adversely influence their adjustment. Rather, it has been reported that children with gay and lesbian parents are more likely to be invested in fighting for equal rights and social justice (Goldberg, 2007a). Family members of gays and lesbians are often aware of heterosexism in society as well as their own heterosexual privilege; therefore, many may choose to fight against homonegativity and to support equal rights for gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender (GLBT) individuals (Arm et al., 2009; Goldberg, 2007a).

Children born to a gay or lesbian parent and a heterosexual parent may have been susceptible to homonegative messages during the divorce process from the heterosexual parent or through the legal system during custody battles (Garner, 2004). However, as a result of her own personal experiences and over 50 interviews with children with a GLBT parents, Garner emphasized the importance of personal stories in countering homonegative myths, and further noted the risks of non-disclosure on the parent-child relationship. She concluded that GLBT parents should consider a range of issues before disclosing their sexual orientation (e.g. the heterosexual parent’s views, religion, media, politics, and peer relationships) to facilitate the coming out process within the parent-child relationship. Similarly, Beeler and DiProva (1999) found that family members not only have a finding out story but also have their own coming out process as the relative of a gay and lesbian individual.

More recently scholars have started to explore the influence of religion in the process of family members accepting or rejecting their gay and lesbian relatives (Lease et al., 2005). Religion is often viewed as either a source of stress or support in the gay and lesbian community, but religion could also impact how children connect to their gay and lesbian parents. Although some research continues to be biased by the assumption that gay and lesbian individuals have to choose between being religious and accepting their non-heterosexual identity, other investigations have begun to examine the incorporation of both identities (Barret & Barzan, 1996; Buchanan, Dzelme, Harris, & Hecker, 2001). Lease and Shulman (2003) reported that although family members of gay and lesbian individuals may use religion to impede their relationships with their gay and lesbian relatives, many are also able to expand their the views of an accepting and loving deity to one who would accept their gay or lesbian relative. Over time, family members of gay and lesbian individuals may experience cognitive dissonance between their positive perception of their own gay or lesbian relatives with the religiously-based homonegative messages they receive, and their relationships may be determined based on their ability to resolve this dissonance.

Religious-Based Homonegativity

Current literature exploring religiously-based homonegativity has generally focused on Christianity as well as fundamentalism, but researchers have also started to explore non-Christian perspectives (Hunsberger, 1996). The basis for homophobic messages in the Abrahamic religions of Christianity, Judaism, and Islam are often derived from Leviticus’s “Holiness Code” (Johansson, 1990) and Romans 1: 18-32 (Fulton, Gorsuch, & Maynard, 1999; Yip, 2005). In the Abrahamic religions, interpretation of doctrines varies; some denominations view their scriptures as the word of God and may use a literal interpretation whereas other denominations allow for more symbolic translations of scripture (Van Voorst, 2008; Wilcockson, 2005). For instance, in general Islam teaches that the Arabic Qur’an is the word of Allah, tends to have a literal interpretation, and no longer considers the scripture divine once translated into another language (Van Voorst, 2008; Wilcockson, 2005). The Hadith (statements attributed to the Prophet Muhammad) are used to interpret the Qur’an through a historical perspective (Van Voorst, 2008), and are often used to condemn same-sex behaviors (Minwalla, Rosser, Feldman, & Varga, 2005; Yip, 2005), thus leading to religious-based intolerance. In Judaism, the oral Torah has been used to put the written Torah in historical context, and according to Dode (2004) Jews generally allow for more interpretation of religious text, and therefore, some denominations of Judaism may be less likely to be religiously intolerant towards sexual minorities.

Many fundamentalist religious communities distinguish between sexual orientation and behavior, judging the latter more harshly. For example, in a study with a sample of conservative Christian students, high levels of fundamentalism correlated more strongly with negative views of gays and lesbians who were portrayed as sexually active, than with those who were celibate (Fulton et al., 1999). A similar study with a sample of conservative Christians (Rosik, Griffith, & Cruz, 2007) also found that attitudes towards celibate gay and lesbian individuals were less negative than attitudes towards those who were sexually active. However, Hunsberger (1996) found that fundamentalist Christian, Jewish, Muslim, and Hindu denominations were all generally intolerant toward gay and lesbian individuals, regardless of their behavior.

Due to these homonegative messages, gay and lesbian individuals may believe that they have to decide between their religious identity and identifying as gay or lesbian, and these individuals may remain celibate if they choose their religion (Ritter & O’Neill, 1989). More recently, scholars have shown that some gays and lesbians do not believe they have to choose, but may learn to integrate their identities by attend a gay-affirming religious organization or selecting another faith (Buchanan et al., 2001). While renegotiating one’s religious identity may be helpful for some gays and lesbians, this approach may not be useful for individuals from conservative or fundamentalists denominations. Recent findings also indicate that involvement in gay-affirming religious groups was negatively correlated to internalized homonegativity and positively associated with psychological health and spirituality (Lease et al., 2005). In one of the few articles that considered the relatives of gay and lesbian individuals, Lease and Shulman (2003) found that family members used strategies such as focusing on religious messages that facilitated their acceptance, adjusted their level of involvement when religion impeded their acceptance, and advocated for acceptance within their religious community, to reconcile their religious identity with accepting LGB family members.

For gays and lesbians of color, the challenges become more complex, as a less tolerant culture may further impede the coming out process for people of color (Merighi & Grimes, 2000). The interaction between salient identities such as religion, ethnicity, and sexual orientation may impact the how individuals negotiate their identities (Chan, 1989; Schnoor, 2006), and the overlap of religiously-based prejudice, racism, and heterosexism may also put individuals at increased risk for depression or low-self esteem (Smith, Foley, & Chaney, 2008). Because of the complex interactions of multiple identities, gay and lesbian individuals may struggle between coming out to a community that is unsupportive without the guarantee of acceptance into the larger gay and lesbian community due to racism (Smith et al., 2008).

In summary, although the negative association between religion and sexual orientation has been addressed, research regarding other aspects of religious influence on gay and lesbian individuals is limited. In addition, although scholars have started to explore the impact of religion on family members’ acceptance of their gay or lesbian relatives, scholars have not addressed the impact of religion on children of gay and lesbian individuals. Specifically, to date no study has explored the influence of religion on the parent-child relationship of children with a gay or lesbian parent as well as a heterosexual parent. As this relationship likely evolves over time, the reflective perspectives of adult children of gay or lesbian parents may provide a richer understanding of the process of their own coming out. Thus, the purpose of the present study was to describe this influence, as perceived retrospectively by adult children who have experienced the coming out of a parent.

Method

Because we sought to explore the thoughts, feelings, and personal subjective meaning associated with our participants’ experiences, and given the paucity of existing literature from which to develop more structured quantitative instruments, we chose a qualitative design (Creswell, 1998, 2007). Specifically, the phenomenological approach allows the researcher to gain as much information as possible about this experience while limiting bias (Giorgi, 1997). The philosophical roots of phenomenology were influenced by Husserl, Kant, and Descartes (Moustakas, 1994), recognizing that the world does not have meaning independent of the subjective perceptions of those who experience it. Details of the method are described below.

Participants

Criterion sampling was used to select participants (Creswell, 1998, 2007). The criteria included individuals who were 18 years and older who have a gay or lesbian parent as well as a heterosexual parent. We recognize that children of bisexual or transgender parents have similar concerns, and have also not yet been studied. However, Fassinger and Arseneau (2006) reported that grouping all GLBT individuals together overlooks the unique experiences of bisexual and transgender individuals; therefore, the focus of this study was limited to children with a gay or lesbian parent. Limiting the sample to individuals with a gay or lesbian parent would lead to a more homogeneous sample which can be described in more detail, thus enhancing transferability, which is desirable in small qualitative studies (Patton, 2002; Plano & Creswell, 2008; Trochim, 2006). In qualitative research, outliers are not always removed from the sample since their unique experiences often strengthen the emerging themes (Denscombe, 2007; Sandelowski, 1996). Therefore, as suggested by Barbour (2001) we limited our sample through purposive methods which allowed us to examine the natural diversity within this phenomenon, retaining all participants who met the original criteria.

Participants were recruited from local chapters of Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) and Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere (COLAGE). Both organizations posted the recruitment flyer in their online newsletters, and respondents were encouraged to email the first author. In addition to the planned recruitment process, a COLAGE member who became aware of the study stated she had also posted the recruitment flyer on her website. Thus, the method of contact was consistent across all sources. Respondents were provided with a copy of the informed consent and were told that the overall purpose of this study was to advance the understanding of the role of religion in children’s relationships with their gay and lesbian parent, as well as with their heterosexual parents.

Sampling in qualitative research is an on-going process and continues until no new themes emerge and the data becomes redundant; this is known as saturation (Creswell, 1998, 2007). According to Creswell (1998), a small number of interviews, usually around 10, are required to gain sufficient meaning of an experience using phenomenology, Morse (1994) suggested approximately six interviews to reach saturation, and Guest, Bunce, and Johnson (2006) reported that approximately 73% of themes are saturated by the sixth interview and recommended 6-12 participants to achieve saturation. In this study, saturation was reached during the eighth interview since no new themes were found during the ninth and tenth interviews. It is possible, given the small sample size, that additional categories would have emerged had we continued recruiting. However, at the point we completed three interviews with no new themes identified, we assumed that saturation was reached, following the criteria established by previous researchers. In addition to assessing for saturation during the process of data gathering, we employed a number of procedures as described in the section below to, ensure data quality (Morrow, 2005).

The demographic characteristics of the each participant are outlined in Table 1. Participants ranged in age from 19 to 43 years in age, (M = 29.7, SD = 6.43). Eight respondents identified as female and two identified as male. Six individuals reported that they had a gay father and four participants had a lesbian mother. Eight individuals reported European American backgrounds, while two individuals ethnically identified as Latina and bi-racial. All of the respondents had actively participated in religious services with their families as children, eight participants reported that they used to attend religious service every week, nine respondents described being involved with religious holidays, and seven individuals had attended religious education. Participants identified the following religious origins: Jewish (3), Catholic (4), Protestant (2), and one participant reported that she was raised with both Catholic and Protestant religions. Participants have the following current religious identities: Jewish (2), Catholic (3), Protestant (1), Mennonite (1), confused (1), and two participants no longer have an identifying religion.

Table 1.

Participant Demographics

Name	Sex	Age	Family Religion	Current Religion	Race/ Ethnicity	Gay or Lesbian Parent	Sexual Orientation
Maria	F	29	Catholic- Pentecostal	Confused	Latina	Father	Heterosexual
Amy	F	19	Lutheran	Mennonite	White	Father	Unknown
Roger	M	30	Catholic	Catholic	White	Father	Unknown
Nancy	F	30	Jewish	Jewish	White	Mother	Heterosexual
Sarah	F	43	Roman Catholic	Roman Catholic	White	Father	Heterosexual
Shelly	F	33	Catholic	None	White	Father	Heterosexual
Alex	M	23	Jewish	None	White/ Native American	Mother	Heterosexual
Rachel	F	34	Jewish	Jewish	White/ Jewish	Mother	Heterosexual
Victoria	F	28	Catholic	Catholic	White	Father	Heterosexual
Tammy	F	28	Christian	Christian	White/ Italian	Mother	Lesbian

Nine participants were raised in the context of heterosexual relationships that dissolved, and one individual was born into the context of a same-sex relationship that dissolved when one of the participants’ mothers entered a heterosexual relationship and continued to identify as heterosexual while the other mother continued to identify as lesbian. Therefore, all of the participants met the selection criteria, as they reported having one gay or lesbian parent as well as one heterosexual parent. Seven respondents identified as heterosexual during the interview process, one individual identified as lesbian, and two individuals chose not to disclose their own sexual orientation.

Procedures

The interview protocol was developed by the first and second authors based on an extensive literature review and it was focused to answer the following research question: How do adult children with both a gay or lesbian parent as well as a heterosexual parent retrospectively perceive the impact of religion on their relationships with both their heterosexual and gay or lesbian parents? In developing our interview questions we considered questions addressed in prior related studies: (a) the role of religion in their family, how the role of religion has evolved, and how their religion viewed gay and lesbian individuals (Lease & Shulman, 2003), and (b) the impact heterosexual parent’s response to the coming out had on parent-child relationships (Goldberg, 2007a). In Garner’s (2004) book, interviewees described how the response of the heterosexual parent to the gay or lesbian parent’s disclosure, the participant’s response to the disclosure and the family members reaction, and how the parent-child relationships were impacted by the coming out. Also, because of the potential intersection of religious and ethnic identities (Greene, 1997), we asked about ethnic identity and how the participant’s ethnic community views gay and lesbian individuals.

Before recruiting participants, two volunteers who met the study criteria but were not part of the study participated in interviews and provided feedback on both the demographic questionnaire and interview protocol for this study. These volunteers were identified through a personal contact, who provided the names to the first author after briefly describing the study to the volunteers and obtaining their permission to be contacted. The first author contacted these individuals by email to request their assistance, and provided a more detailed description of the proposed study and assurance of the voluntary nature of their participation. All of the individuals enthusiastically agreed. The pilot interviews with the volunteers were used to consider whether any language should be revised, alter the demographic questionnaires, consider if any of the interview questions should be adjusted, and to determine an estimated length of the interview to be provided as part of the informed consent. The pilot interviews went smoothly and volunteers had no suggestions for improving the interview questions, but one volunteer suggested that a categorical question describing level of religious participation, on the demographic questionnaire be left open-ended. The final 13-question interview protocol is provided in Appendix A. The demographic questionnaire included the following items: sex, race/ethnicity, religious background, current religion, age, level of religious participation, age when gay or lesbian parent came out to child, which parent is gay or lesbian, the parent’s identified sexual orientation, which parent is straight, and child’s age when the parents were divorced or separated. The first author performed all of the audio-taped interviews in person and transcribed the audio-tapes to maintain consistency. Interview questions were semi-structured and open-ended, asking individuals their experiences of how their religion influenced their parent-child relationships. The semi-structured interview was also used to gain more information regarding how the parent-child relationship may differ between the adult child and her or his gay or lesbian parent and heterosexual parents.

The first author utilized bracketing before the study began, and wrote about her personal experience and knowledge of this phenomenon to become more aware of her preconceptions. The second author audited the interview questions to help reduce bias. Then after each interview the first author bracketed her self-reflections in a journal, considering any potential influence of her own experiences, for approximately 20 to 30 minutes (Creswell, 1998, 2007). Bracketing occurred throughout the study to focus on each participant’s unique experience.

To ensure scientific rigor, we followed the postpositivist standards of qualitative research as described by Morrow (2005). According to Morrow, certain steps in qualitative research can be taken to ensure quality that corresponds to quantitative counterparts: credibility is related to internal validity, transferability has been connected to external validity, dependability corresponds to reliability, and confirmability is the qualitative form of objectivity. As Morrow suggested, credibility was attained through peer debriefing, a peer reviewer, and participant checks. In particular, the first and second authors met throughout the study’s development to raise awareness of the first author’s potential bias, as the child of a gay man. The first and third authors coded the data independently and then compared and contrasted their findings, as described below. In addition, the participants were given an opportunity to review the themes and check their quotations for accuracy. The transferability of this study was established through providing author biases (Morrow, 2005), a detailed description of participants was supplied (Lincoln & Guba, 1985), and population transferability was achieved by limiting the sample to adult children of gays and lesbians (Plano & Creswell, 2008). All researchers were aware of the potential impact of their own experiences, as described below under “Researchers’ Stance.” The dependability of the data was established by having the first author complete all of the interviews as well as the transcriptions; thus ensuring consistency (Morrow, 2005). Details about the analysis are provided below. Finally, as discussed below, confirmability was ascertained by the second author’s auditing the data and analysis for assumptions and interpretations to limit as much bias as possible (Morrow, 2005).

Analysis

We used the methods of phenomenological transcription as presented by Creswell (1998, 2007) and Giorgi (1997). The first author started the analysis while collecting data, as needed to assess for saturation. As described above under “Participants,” preliminary review of themes for saturation occurred throughout data collection and recruiting continued until the themes became redundant. Next, the first and third authors formally analyzed the data after the interviews had been completed. The first and third authors read through all of the data prior to their analyses to obtain a general understanding of each participant (Creswell, 1998, 2007; Giorgi, 1997). After reviewing each transcript a number of times, the first and third authors independently coded the data, and met in person to compare and contrast their findings. Data was broken down into significant statements or phrases from the transcripts and then grouped into meanings or themes (Creswell, 1998, 2007). First, significant statements of the phenomenon were identified and taken from the participant’s expressions to be grouped together into meanings or themes. Redundant statements were excluded as meanings were derived from the significant statements by rereading through the statements to uncover meanings that could have been concealed (Creswell, 1998, 2007).

Data organization started by clustering the statements to identify the major themes related to how religion impacts the parent-child relationships of adult children with a gay or lesbian parent. Themes were validated through reference with the transcripts to see if anything is missing. We examined the meanings to see if something new was suggested which was absent from the transcripts, examined the emerging themes, and explored any discrepancies. In particular, the first and third author re-examined all of the transcripts to confirm that the six themes captured the participant’s experience.

Themes were confirmed through sending the participants a summary of themes by email (member checking) (Creswell, 1998, 2007). Nine out of the 10 participants responded to the first author’s inquiry that they agreed with all of the themes, and the tenth participant did not respond to the inquiry. During the member checking, respondents were reminded that some of their quotations may be used to present the findings and that pseudonyms would be utilized to protect their identities. Participants were also asked to review their personal quotations for accuracy, and one participant corrected a statement, clarifying that she was not involved in an organized religion.

The second author further reviewed the assumptions and interpretations of the data, and challenged the first author to consider her interpretations when it appeared that her own experiences were affecting the identification and coding of themes. Specifically, the second author read through all of the transcripts and provided feedback to the first and third authors in regards to meaning titles, use of quotes, and to challenge biases. In particular, the theme “redefined relationship with religion” required more extensive discussion and reflection by both the first and second authors regarding their own biases and personal experiences before consensus was reached. The second author also noted that Alex was a unique case, and worked with the first author to weigh the advantages and disadvantages of retaining him as a participant.

Researchers’ Stance

According to Creswell (2007), researchers should acknowledge their personal experiences or stances towards a phenomenon, to allow for the participants’ experiences to be the focus. In addition, Giorgi (1997) suggested that the researcher’s preconceived beliefs about a phenomenon could influence the research process if not addressed. As described above, we did this through the first authors’ journal and by challenging each other to consider the impact of our own experiences in the interpretation of the participants’ stories.

The first author is a White female of European descent who was raised and has remained Presbyterian. At the time of data collection and analysis, she was a doctoral student at a private religiously affiliated university. She identifies as gay-affirming, has researched gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, intersex, queer, and questioning (GLTIQQ) rights and concerns, and is the daughter of a gay man. Bearing witness to homonegativity has motivated her to study religion, psychology, and sociology to better understand the relationship between religion and homonegativity.

The second author is a White female who is also a licensed psychologist and associate professor of counseling psychology at a private religiously affiliated university in the northeast. She considers herself an ally, and an advocate for social justice. She was raised as a Protestant but has both Jewish and Catholic relatives, and she is currently a member of a gay-affirming Roman Catholic religious community. Personal relationships with gay parents who are accepted as full members of this community have led her to believe that integration of religion with sexual minority status is possible, and that the impact on children does not have to be negative.

The third author was a Psychology Major and was enrolled in a combined bachelors and masters program at a private religiously affiliated university in the northeast. She is a Roman-Catholic, White female of European descent with a Jewish father and a Roman-Catholic mother. Although she was raised Catholic her father has taught her about Judaism. She considers herself to be a proponent of social justice who is interested in the rights of GLBT individuals.

Results

The following six themes emerged from the interviews: (a) family break-up more difficult than parents’ coming out; (b) discovery that parent was gay or lesbian; (c) initial shame over having a gay or lesbian parent; (d) positive aspects of having a gay or lesbian parent; (e) redefined relationship with religion; and (f) impact of culture on how gay and lesbian individuals are viewed. Quotes from the participants are presented verbatim, except for interjections such as, “uh” and “yeah.” All names mentioned in the results and quotes are pseudonyms.

Family break-up More Difficult than Parents’ Coming Out

All 10 of the participants reported that their nuclear families were disrupted by either a divorce or separation. In addition, all but one of these individuals also had to work through the experience of having a parent come out as gay or lesbian. One participant, Alex, was born into a family with two mothers. He reported that although neither of his mothers directly disclosed their sexual orientation, he knew that one mother identified as lesbian, and his family was separated when his other mother entered into a heterosexual relationship. Because Alex was only 3 years old when his parents separated, his understanding of these events occurred as he grew older and was managing his relationships between his lesbian and heterosexual mothers.

While both the coming out and divorce affect participants’ lives as well as how they viewed their familial relationship, eight participants reported that the impact of their parent’s divorce as more difficult than having a parent come out. For example, Amy, a 19-year old, described how she handled hearing that her parents were getting divorced because her dad was gay:

I feel I handled it pretty well... but when your parents are getting divorced no matter what the reason is, it is always difficult... that’s the part that upset me the most... I think that just the upheaval of divorce upset me more than... the fact that my dad was gay... Because you know, he is still my dad.

Roger, a 30 year old with a gay father and heterosexual mother, made a similar observation: “You know, it was awkward ... but, I think that was more of the whole him leaving thing than anything else.”

Rachel, a 34-year old woman with a lesbian mother and heterosexual father described how her father left after her parents divorced and her mother was never open about her sexual orientation. She shared how both of these experiences were difficult to work through.

Out of the 10 participants, three individuals lived with their gay or lesbian parent, two had parents who split custody, four lived with their straight parent, and one was already living on her own by the time her parents divorced. Four participants reported that their gay or lesbian parent lived nearby in order to either have joint custody or to maintain visitations right. Alex as well as Shelly discussed how important it was to have their parents live within close proximity of each other since they were able to see both parents regularly.

Discovery that Parent was Gay or Lesbian

All of the participants reported that their gay or lesbian parent was not the original source of disclosure. Eight individuals figured out they had a gay or lesbian parent on their own, and two participants were told by their straight parent. Most of the participants who self-discovered they had a gay or lesbian parent either waited for their parent to eventually come out when they were ready or confronted their parents. Sarah shared the first time she realized that her father might be gay and due to her religious beliefs at the time, she doubted her self-discovery:

I happened to be putting some towels away in the linen closet and I came across a Christmas card that was, you know, one of those my darling sweetheart kind of cards... And it was very sentimental and very romantic and it was to my father from the man that we had known all of our lives... as my father’s business partner... And I might have been about 18 and I remember looking at the card thinking “wait a minute something is not right here,” but ...I don’t think we knew any gay people at that point... And because we had been raised as such strict Catholics, I got mad at myself for even thinking it, like what was wrong with me... that I would think this of my father, it must have been a joke or maybe it wasn’t real.

Sarah later discussed how she told her father and his partner “Henry” that she knew he was gay, when her father was hospitalized:

My husband said to Henry... we know dad’s gonna die. We know he doesn’t have much time left; we might as well call it what it is and why don’t we talk about it... And Henry is like “what are you talking about” and, Anthony (my husband) is like “we know you and dad are partners... you’re gay... he is your partner and you have been together for a long time,” and Henry just started crying and he opened up and he told us everything, and we went back to the hospital and my father came out of surgery and he was lucid again and Henry said to my father, “they know and it is okay with them...” And my dad started crying, and that is when I could tell you I really knew because it was real.

The majority of participants reported that by the time of disclosure they already knew their gay or lesbian parent’s sexual orientation, but their reactions to this experience varied. Some individuals felt betrayed, while others viewed the delay as time to process how they felt. Seven participants reported that they discovered they had a gay or lesbian parent in adolescence or adulthood. Nancy shared how her mother came out to her years after she had suspected her mother was a lesbian:

The night before I left for college she took me for a drive and told me. She told me that she was... she didn’t tell me she was a lesbian though. She told me that she was dating a woman... And when I asked her if that meant she was a lesbian, she got very defensive and upset and told me that... she fell in love with a person and it just happens to be a woman... She was really not ready yet to identify herself as a lesbian. Now she does but back then she did not. So I had known about, I mean my parents got divorced when I was 15 and she had been seeing the same woman since then but they had been sort of fit under the guise of friendship... But I knew what was going on. I was just sort of waiting for my mom to tell me, and it took her three years to be able to tell me.

Roger discussed his self-discovery that his father was gay, saying “I pretty much figured it out on my own. He’d make little comments here and there... you know, and like the little rainbow things... I don’t think he ever just came out and said it.”

Alex, a 23 year old with a lesbian mother and a heterosexual mother, described how he was raised by two lesbian mothers until the age of three when one mother entered a heterosexual relationship and continued to identify as heterosexual, while the other mother continued to identify as lesbian. He reported that neither parent disclosed their sexual orientation to him directly: “I don’t remember, it was just always how my family was normal, you know. Until I was old enough to understand the cultural and historical significance of their having been a lesbian couple raising kids.” Although Alex described how being raised in a gay-affirming Jewish community further validated his experience, later on he alluded to directing negative attention to himself in order to divert it from his family.

Eight participants reported that they developed a closer relationship with their gay or lesbian parent after the disclosure. Rachel reported that her mother’s coming out improved their relationship:

I do think overall that it definitely helped our relationship, and obviously now so many years later she’s definitely a lot more open about it with me and I think in her life... she’s definitely not like out there but she’s not as secretive.

Maria, a 29-year old with a gay father and heterosexual mother shared a similar experience:

With my dad, I’ve gotten a lot closer, he feels like he can be himself now, and he is happier in many ways so, he seems lighter and I feel like I know him better, and so we talk a lot more than we used to and we do thing together without my mom which we never did before.

Seven participants reported that although the delayed disclosure may have been upsetting, it also gave them time to process how they felt about having a gay or lesbian parent. Maria shared her reaction to her mother telling her that her father might be gay:

It just really made me think about... what was real in my upbringing because I always thought about it as a happy family, but then it all seemed like it wasn’t happy...then, I thought about all of the times, my memories when my dad wasn’t there and wondered where he was and what he was doing. And if he had lied about anything else.... Since my mom wouldn’t talk about it, I sort of pushed it away, but then with the real coming out, I guess it was easier ‘cause it had been on my mind and I processed it a little bit.

Shelly, a 33-year old, explored how she self-discovered and accepted that her father was gay before she experienced homonegativity in society:

I think that I figured it out before someone told me that there was maybe something wrong with that, I mean that maybe people would be concerned about it... So I actually think it was good in the sense that I didn’t have a lot of like feeling attached to it, just kind of an acceptance. I mean you’re also a child and you don’t really understand that concept in general until... The worry about it came later or the understanding that people were worried about it... I did not have a negative association when I was younger until someone explained that to me.

She went on to describe how religiously-based homonegativity in her family further divided the family and brought her closer to her father.

Six participants reported that they were more upset about their parents having kept a secret than having their gay or lesbian parent come out. Rachel shared her experience:

I guess for a long time I was really angry at her about it and at the same time it took me years for me to finally confront her. I was angry at the lie and the secrets and then angry about being put in a position of having to explain it to my friends.... without any assistance from my mom. You know, to sit down “okay this is what is going on and this is nothing to be embarrassed about.”

Initial Shame Over Having Gay or Lesbian Parent

All but one participant reported initially feeling shame, tension, or awkwardness over having a gay or lesbian parent. Nancy described how her shame over having a gay or lesbian parent has decreased over the years:

For a while it was really shameful and I didn’t talk to people about it and I felt like I was going to be judged and... I didn’t want to tell my friends ‘cause I was just afraid they were going to say bad things about her, I felt kind of protective of her... but now it has kind of normalized I think.

Alex, unlike the other participants, was too young to comprehend his unique family situation and reported that he did not initially experience shame related to having a gay or lesbian parent; however, he questioned if the attention he sought was to divert it away from his family:

I think I was really blessed to not ever have to defend my parents and their people, never. People called me a faggot when I was a kid ‘cause I had pink hair and pigtails and wore a choker chain. I definitely pushed the limits of my sort of outward sexuality when I was an adolescent but it was never an issue with my parents being lesbians or... And I don’t know if that was like a subconscious way of taking that negative energy and not wanting it to be put on my parents or something, I don’t know. But I don’t remember any moments where I realized my family wasn’t normal or anything like that. So I think that speaks to my parents.

Seven participants reported that they felt shame for having to keep a family secret due to a delayed disclosure. Rachel described what it was like having friends come over:

Even though it was never spoken it was still you know... I had friends come over and (ask), “Oh who’s that woman,” you know, and have to, “Oh that’s my mom’s friend, she lives here.” And obviously it’s interesting later because the people that I still keep in touch with... they always knew.

Roger reported that because of their shame, his family never discussed his father’s sexual orientation:

I really don’t know how the other family members know. He’s not right out in the open... As far as they you know he’s got the little things you know like the rainbow things here and there.... But I everyone in the family dances around it.

Shelly described how she never received support from her heterosexual parent, who still struggled herself to cope with the disclosure due to religiously-based homonegativity:

The people that are Catholic in my family do... have a big issue with homosexuality and so it created that divide easily... My mom handled it very badly and continues to handle it very badly... continues to be just a really homophobic person, can’t talk about it, couldn’t help her daughter navigate that and her parents are bad about it. Just obviously awkward... people are not outward about it.

In addition to not being able to talk about having a gay or lesbian parent with their family members, seven participants reported that they did not feel comfortable talking to friends either. Amy shared her experience of first disclosing to two friends that she had a gay dad, in fourth grade:

I pulled them into the coat closet and I was like “my parents are getting divorced” and they were like “why” and I was like “well my dad is gay”... and they were like “you mean happy right,” you know like fourth grade and I was like “no I mean gay” and they were horrified and so after that I didn’t tell anyone for a lot of years... for a very long time. So, I was basically on my own out there. Worried that people would find out.... And that is probably my biggest regret that I just wasn’t open about it at the time, because it was a lot more difficult trying to keep it a secret.

Positive Aspects of Having Gay or Lesbian Parent

All 10 individuals also acknowledged benefits of having a gay or lesbian parent, such as leading them to be more open-minded and accepting of people. They reported that having a gay or lesbian parent allowed them to think out of the box and made them want to break down social stigma. Amy shared her experience:

I absolutely love it... I feel like I have really found my passion... it teaches me justice and compassion. I don’t think I would have the same perspective and I don’t think it would matter as much to me... if I didn’t have a personal experience.... I really feel it has helped to guide me into what I believe in... People say hard times make you a better person and I really feel like this part of my life is really important to me and I would never change him if I could. Just because everything it has taught me, everything his coming out has taught me and he is happier, he’s a different, he’s a better person now, and if I change that about him then I’d change him. So, I think I love it, I think that I am twice as lucky... I have two dads and a mom. So, I have three parents that are wonderful, so I feel really lucky actually.

All ten participants described a sense of pride in their family. They discussed how having an unconventional family has led them to progress from feeling they had something to be embarrassed about to something they are proud of. Nancy explained this as follows:

Now I think it is kind of cool... I take pride in the fact that my family is kind of different and not conventional ... I feel like we’re a good example of how a family can sort of get through a tough time and kind of maintain cohesion and kind of get through hard times and sort of get to be stronger on the other side so... in a way it’s a source of pride. I don’t really think about it too much anymore; it’s just sort of like a balance.

Shelly shared a similar experience:

We have a good relationship with our dad. He’s absolutely like a role model and good parent and everything like that but, knowing that other people don’t, would never accept that and... maybe would view you differently...

While the participants discussed aspects of stigma that have impacted them; they reported that having a gay or lesbian parent has made them more open-minded and that they want to educate others about their experiences. Amy, a 19-year old, female with a gay father and heterosexual mother stated:

It’s frustrating when someone makes judgments without being educated at the same time. That’s what probably frustrates me the most... is ignorance or apathy, people who just don’t care... because it doesn’t affect them directly but it really affects all of us. ‘Cause I have news for people: someone that you know is probably gay, lesbian, or bisexual, transgender... probably someone you know is.

Later, Amy went on to describe how she is involved with an organization that fights against religious oppression of the GLBT individuals.

Victoria shared how having a gay dad could help her step-child who has a lesbian mom:

I’ll say it will be kind of good... with my daughter growing up to actually have somebody in the family like that... so that way you know she gets different viewpoints.

Alex explored how being the son of a lesbian mother has helped him to think “out of the box” by being more open minded. Later on he described how his family and ethnicity have made him aware of his privilege:

So I have reaped all the benefits of being a White, heterosexual, male in America. I have White Privilege and I have been... things in my culture have disproportionately affected me positively. So, in that way I have White issues like guilt and dread and desire to be other and desire to have darker skin and to have more ethnicity, to be one of the fighters and to be part of the people struggling. Cause I am in a way but my family has never really struggled with racial prejudice.

Redefined Relationship with Religion

Nine participants have re-evaluated their religious beliefs, although seven participants have retained their religious identities. The majority of participants reported that they had decreased their religious participation; two individuals stated that this was directly related to their religion’s views of sexuality while others objected to the unequal treatment of women. Some participants have also become more aware of what their religion preaches, and were able to compare and contrast how their religious communities viewed gays and lesbians in comparison to their broader religion. Maria shared how her religious identity has evolved:

My personal religion now is different than when I was growing up, I joke around now and say that I am just confused but I just don’t define myself as in an organized religion. I have a lot of the values that I had growing up, but what I took out of it is to think about what I do and think about how it affects others.

Of the three Jewish participants, two individuals viewed Judaism as accepting of gay and lesbian individuals. Alex reported that his synagogue was very welcoming and noted that he knew other children with gay or lesbian parents. The third Jewish participant reported that Jewish acceptance of gay and lesbian individuals depended on the denomination. Rachel described how her Jewish religion viewed gay and lesbian individuals:

I guess it depends... the way Judaism is... there are like different levels.... of religiousness so certainly the more reformed Judaism is I think pretty accepting.... and I am sure in most big cities there are LGBT temples.... actually I just met this transgender Rabbi, female-to-male who just went through the transition as the Rabbi of a temple which I thought was crazy.... I think in...some areas of Judaism there’s a lot of acceptance and there’s definitely room...

Nancy described a different experience, having been raised in a more conservative religious denomination:

The Orthodox tradition is very traditional and it’s pretty non-tolerant of gays and lesbians, and when my mom came out she stopped going to the Orthodox temple as soon as they got divorced, but there was a lot of rumors... A lot of nasty things that were said about her... and people really rallied around my dad because they felt so bad for him, it’s definitely not acceptable... I feel angry about it... it is part of the reason why I sort of just did away from the religion, from the Orthodox tradition. . . I think that there are probably a lot of Orthodox Jews that are gay and lesbian and don’t feel comfortable coming out and end up not being as courageous as my mom, and end up living their lives in a way that makes them miserable and... fear of how they’re gonna be treated.

All seven Christian participants reported that their religions were not officially accepting of gay and lesbian individuals, though several reported that their congregations and families had found ways to work around this. Therefore, the majority of participants did not let their religion or religious beliefs negatively impact their relationships with their gay or lesbian parents. It appears as though most of the participants resolved their cognitive dissonance between religiously-based homonegativity and accepting their gay or lesbian parents by redefining their relationships with religion. For example, Amy discussed how her religion views gay and lesbian individuals, versus the gay affirming position of her congregation:

Actually our church right now, our little thirty family church, our pastor is gay, so we’re having some issues because the conference is not pleased... we also baptized an openly gay man which is ... grounds enough to get you kicked out of the conference... So we’re going through a little bit of flux right now. They have told us that either we can get rid of our pastor which we don’t want to do because we love him and keep our conference standing but he’ll be defrocked, or we can hold his credentials and be kicked out of the conference. So, people are kind of freaked out, but that is what is going on there. So really, the Mennonite religion is extremely unaccepting, but our church is... we’re working on becoming a welcoming congregation...

Others distinguished between official Church doctrine and what they believed God would direct them to do. For example, Tammy stated:

I know a lot of Christians that think homosexuality is wrong but I also notice that a lot of Christians think that it’s okay; but I think it depends on people’s upbringing and the congregation that they up worship with. For me personally, I think that as a Christian you know God is loving of all people.

Similarly, Amy reported that she and her family had redefined their relationship with the Church to incorporate a positive view of her father’s sexual orientation. She described this as follows:

My mom likes to say Christ follower instead, because she doesn’t like the way the Christian church handles things; she says she is a Jesus follower, she is not a Christian. And my oldest sister has drifted away. but they are all coming back now and so it has changed. . . .because it’s much different when it personally affects you. So we haven’t completely drifted away from it, we have just changed the way we look at it.

Maria describes an identity that is still spiritual, but no longer defined by organized religion:

I think I have a lot of traditions that I still follow that are important to me that were originally religious traditions and still are. I consider myself spiritual, I do pray... but I don’t look to any book for guidance.

Not all participants have been able to resolve their religion’s unwelcoming view of their parents, however. Roger discussed his reaction to the negative way in which his religion views gay and lesbian individuals:

There is a lot of stuff with Catholicism that I don’t agree with... I have actually read through the Bible... and there are a lot of discrepancies that I found in it... A lot of the religion is, in my opinion, twisted to suit the way they want things... and in the Bible it actually does say, you know the Catholic Bible... it does say that a man should be with a woman, but it doesn’t say, if a person was with someone of the same sex what’s going to happen... I think their views on it are a little too strict... In the way they are looking at things like tunnel vision.

Maria shared a similar experience in questioning the religion in which she was raised:

My mom’s religion (Pentecostal) believes that homosexuality is wrong and it’s a choice and it’s evil and they do a lot of things that are actually I think spiteful and ugly. I’ve always questioned that but now I get really upset about it, ‘cause there are things like, if they really think it’s a sin, it should be the same as every other sin, not something so much worse and targeting a whole population of people to bring down, actually fighting against gay marriage... it feels like there is this hate; it doesn’t feel like the love that they’re preaching..

Impact of Culture on How Gay and Lesbian Individuals Are Viewed

The majority of participants were White Christians who did not believe that their ethnic community impacted how they viewed gay and lesbian individuals. For example, Tammy, who is also a lesbian, reported:

I think that it again depends on the person and the family. My family is Italian, most of the people in my family are fine with my relationship with Ashley... are fine with my mother’s relationship with Samantha. But there are plenty of Italians that are homophobic as well so I think it is really an individual thing.

Sarah shared a similar perspective when she was asked, “How do you feel your ethnic community views GLB individuals?”

I don’t think it does, I think it is a non-issue... I don’t really know what my ethnic community is ... I guess the best thing to say is that I am Caucasian. That is the easiest thing to identify as... (also) female, but you know I don’t think either of those groups really has any kind of a strong negative feeling across the board I mean... It’s kind of fine. I think it is more of a personal view than an ethnic view.

However, the participants who identified as members of a religious or cultural minority group reported that their cultures did have an impact on how gay and lesbian individuals were viewed. In particular, Jewish and Latino/a communities often blend religious and ethnic identities, and that was the case for two participants in this study. Rachel reported that her culture was accepting of gay and lesbian individuals:

I think it’s the same because I really consider Judaism, being Jewish to be an ethnicity... So I think it’s like that situation where it’s both a religion and an ethnicity... I mean I’m not religious but I still identify as Jewish. ... And overall ... I don’t think most Jewish people, at least not the ones I know, have any kind of issue.... with being gay. So I do think that overall in the Jewish community there’s a lot of acceptance.

However, Maria reported that those within the Latino/a community viewed gay and lesbian individuals in a more negative way:

My mom is from South America and I’ve sort of been raised being Spanish and we lived near her family not my dad’s family. So, I grew up in a very sort of like Macho-male environment and they do not accept homosexuality at all. Particularly males because it’s like emasculating and then there’s a lot of stereotypes. In South America, in the time that my mom was growing up there, she said there were no gay people. I’m sure that there were, the people there weren’t out and she still firmly believes that there are not (any gay people) now. I know differently ‘cause I have gone and lived there and studied there and I know there is a gay community, it is much smaller, but it is also a smaller country ... I feel like the gay Latino community has also come a long way. That maybe because where I live and work now is very open and accepting place, but I do see them accepting more and more.

Discussion

In this study, we sought to explore the influence of religion on the parent-child relationships of adult children with a gay or lesbian parent, as perceived by adult children who were asked to reflect on their experiences. Through qualitative interviews, other related themes also emerged. Some of the major themes presented are congruent with previous research while other themes address new concepts that may inspire future research.

Few scholars, to date, have explored the adult perspective of children with gay or lesbian parents (Goldberg, 2007a; Patterson, 2005), and the authors of this study were the first to explore religion as a factor in the parent-child relationships of adult children with both a gay or lesbian parent as well as a heterosexual parent. Children with gay and lesbian parents face stressful conflicts not only between their parents, but also between their religion and their gay or lesbian parent’s sexual orientation, which may have influenced their religious identity and strength of parent-child relationships. In this study, adult children with a gay or lesbian parent discussed the impact of their family’s break-up, discovery that parent was gay or lesbian, initial shame, religion, and culture had on their parent-child relationships in addition to the positive aspects of having a gay or lesbian parent.

The findings of this study have implications for practice, research, and informing judicial decisions regarding children with a gay or lesbian parent. One significant theme that developed was that children with a gay or lesbian parent as well as a heterosexual parent viewed divorce as more stressful than having a parent come out. According to Amato and Sobolewski (2001), divorce and marital conflict predict the following factors of psychological well-being: more distress, lower levels of self-esteem, satisfaction, and happiness. In this longitudinal study, marital discord was found to impact the parent-child relationships; thus, resulting in lower levels of well-being. Further, Garner (2004) suggested that children’s perspectives about divorce, their relationships with their parents, and how their heterosexual parent reacted to the disclosure could impact the parent-child relationship with the gay or lesbian parent. Participants from this study all reported that their parents separated for a variety of reasons, and that the upheaval of divorce played a major role in causing family divisions, impacted where they lived, and contact with their parents. These findings are congruent with Amato and Sobolewski’s conclusion that divorce can be very distressing and may impact parent-child relationships. As with heterosexual divorces, some participants stated that they had contact with both parents after the divorce, whereas almost half of the participants reported limited contact with the non-custodial parent after the divorce. In addition, there were almost equal numbers of participants who lived primarily with their gay or lesbian parent and those who lived with their heterosexual parent.

Another significant theme that has implications for practice is self-discovery and/or the delayed disclosure that a parent is gay or lesbian. According to Murray and McClintock (2005), adult children of lesbians and bisexual mothers were more likely to report their mothers’ disclosure as a positive experience than adult children of gay and bisexual fathers; however, lesbian and bisexual mothers tend to disclose their sexual orientation to their children at an earlier age. These findings suggest that earlier disclosures may result in more positive outcomes than delayed disclosures or self-discoveries; however, because of the small sample no definitive statements can be made regarding these outcomes. In addition, the confounding variables of parent’s gender and timing of disclosure should also be further explored in future research. Although Murray and McClintock found that bisexual parents came out to their children at comparable ages to the children of gay and lesbian parents; future research should explore whether or not it may be easier for bisexual parents to not disclose their sexual orientation. Regardless of how children discovered they had a gay or lesbian parent when the disclosure was delayed it may have a negative impact on the parent-child relationship (Armesto, 2002; Bozett, 1980). Participants reported that not having an open discussion earlier made them feel betrayed, mistrusted, and/or ashamed due to the secretiveness of this topic.

On the other side of the story, Armesto (2002) reported that gay fathers experienced distress in deciding whether or not they should come out to their children, and when. Scholars have addressed the impact that coming out can have on the entire family (Armesto, 2002; Beeler & DiProva, 1999; Bozett, 1980; Van Voorhis & McClain, 1997). Thus, many gay and lesbian parents confronting this dilemma do not always know when and how to come out to their children and because of this uncertainty the disclosure is often late or does not occur. All of the participants in this study either self-discovered or were told by a family member that their parent was gay or lesbian. Although gay and lesbian parents may delay the disclosure to protect themselves from rejection, many of the adult children in the present study reported feeling initial shame or betrayal if they had self-discovered or heard about it from another family member rather than having their gay or lesbian parent come out to them directly. Similarly, Goldberg (2007a) reported that a number of participants in her study either discovered they had a GLBT parent or confronted their parents before their GLBT parent came out to them, and because of this they struggled with developing trusting relationship. Individuals who participated in the current study did not discuss later problems with developing trusting relationships, although most reported that they were upset that their parents were unable to come out to them.

Another factor that could impact the children’s relationship with their gay or lesbian parent is how their heterosexual parent responds to the disclosure. As previously noted, Garner (2004), suggested that the heterosexual parent’s reaction could influence parent-child relationships with either the gay or lesbian parent in addition to the heterosexual parent. Goldberg (2007a) also reported that participants in her study struggled to maintain relationships with their heterosexual parents due to homonegativity within the family. A few participants in the present study stated that although they became closer to their gay or lesbian parent after the disclosure, they either struggled with or distanced themselves from their heterosexual parent due to religiously-based homonegative views.

Initial shame was another significant theme that emerged from this study. Participants stated that while they have accepted having a gay or lesbian parent, not talking about this experience with friends or family caused tension, shame, and awkwardness. In some cases, not being able to talk about the having a gay or lesbian parent after a self-discovery or hearing about it from a family member could be perceived as an unspoken rule that this topic is off limits, while other individuals who find out on their own may be unsure about who else knows and if this is accepted or not. Most participants reported that because of factors such as family divisions and homonegativity, they did not feel like they could discuss their parent’s coming out with either family members or peers. According to Garner (2004), children develop beliefs regarding the divorce, their gay or lesbian parent, and their heterosexual parent based on familial reactions to their partner coming out. Beeler and DiProva (1999) used the narrative approach to explore family adjustment to a relative’s coming out as a sexual minority, and found that family members not only have a “finding out story,” but they also have their own coming out process as the relative of a gay or lesbian individual. As perceived by participants in the present study, families usually have rules regarding how homosexuality was discussed, and some family members may experience of negative emotions following a disclosure (Beeler & DiProva). Therefore, the age of disclosure or self-discovery, familial reactions, children’s initial reactions, and not being able to talk about their experiences may enhance their perception of societal stigma. The lack of support from within a family and concern over societal reactions leaves some individuals to process through this experience on their own. Perhaps future research could explore the effects of immediate versus delayed disclosure to see if an earlier disclosure could decrease stigma.

Practitioners should also recognize the struggle that children face when they are proud of their families, but feel like they have no one with whom they can talk about their families. In the current study and the Goldberg (2007a, 2007b) projects, in general participants were found to be aware of societal homonegativity, but interestingly, some participants took pride in the belief that their non-conventional families helped them to be more accepting and appreciative of diversity. Children that have at least one gay or lesbian parent may experience stigma directly; whether they are bullied in school or hear homophobic messages about gay and lesbian families with recent political debates. These children may have also witnessed the marginalization of their parents (i.e. being fired due to sexual orientation). Due to these experiences, children with gay or lesbian parents tend to be more open-minded and less judgmental towards minority groups since they can relate to various forms of oppression (Goldberg, 2007a). Participants in this study reported similar experiences, and when asked directly what it is like to have a gay or lesbian parent they discussed their pride. Individuals reported that having a gay or lesbian parent made them more open-minded and accepting of people. They acknowledged that having a gay or lesbian parent allowed them to think out of the box and want to break down social stigma.

Another significant theme that emerged from this research was a redefined relationship with religion. All of the participants reported reevaluating their religious identities, and the majority of them have decreased their religious participation. Some participants reported that they did not agree with the views of their religions regarding sexuality, and some also objected to the unequal treatment of women. In addition, a number of participants were able to differentiate their personal experience with religion from how their religion in general tends to view gays and lesbians. Although participants have decreased religious involvement and some have changed religions, most participants continue to use some form of religion as a source of support. These findings were consistent with Lease and Shulman’s (2003) study on the role of religion in accepting a relative’s sexual orientation, which found that family members of gay and lesbian individuals use religion to either assist or impede their relationships with their gay or lesbian relatives, and that individuals tend to differentiate between what their personal experience has been in comparison to their broader religion. Similar to Lease and Shulman’s study, participants in the current study described how their religious experiences helped them accept their parent’s sexual orientation (e.g., describing how their religion or congregation was welcoming), they described how they reacted when religion was impeding their acceptance (e.g., decreased religious involvement or explained how they interpreted religious doctrine), and how they reconciled these differences (e.g., focused on the positive aspects of religion that facilitated acceptance or limiting their involvement in organized religion). Although participants from this study were able to redefine their relationship with religion, this approach may not help individuals from conservative or fundamentalist denominations. For instance, most participants resolved their cognitive dissonance by accepting their gay or lesbian parents and redefining their relationship with religion. However, some individuals may work through this by distancing themselves from their gay or lesbian loved ones and identify closer with their religious identity.

Implications for Practice and Limitations

Although given the qualitative design the results of this study may have limited generalizability, the rich results of qualitative research provide clinical implications that practitioners working with children of gays and lesbians should consider. For instance, some of the participants experienced joint custody as advantageous; therefore, practitioners working with the families of children with a gay or lesbian parent as well as a heterosexual parent may consider co-parenting strategies that facilitate relationships with both parents. In addition, it would be advisable that helping professionals become informed about state laws regarding gay and lesbian custodial rights, since some judicial decisions still take sexual identity into account (Human Rights Campaign, 2009). Clinicians working with families of gays and lesbians would also benefit from understanding that the impact of a family break-up may be more of an issue than a parent’s coming out. However, children whose families are disrupted when they are very young might have somewhat different experiences and they face challenges that develop more gradually, rather than the challenge to adapt to a single traumatic event that they are able to remember.

Interestingly, the majority of participants reported that their relationship with their gay or lesbian parent improved after the disclosure. Therefore, helping professionals working with gay or lesbian clients should be encouraged to explore the potential positive impact of a gay or lesbian parent’s choice to come out to their children, versus allowing the children to discover their parent’s sexual orientation without a family discussion. Since most of the participants did not grow up knowing that they had a gay or lesbian parent, they also described having to handle difficult situations on their own. For instance, one participant had to explain her mother’s relationship with her partner to her friends without any guidance, another individual questioned the authenticity of her experiences due to the delayed disclosure, and some participants struggled with the feeling that they had to keep a family secret. Therefore it could be beneficial for practitioners working with gay or lesbian parents to help them explore strategies to help with their children’s disclosure process. In addition, a number of participants described negative reactions by their heterosexual parent to the coming out, which impacted their parent-child relationships. Perhaps clinicians who assist families working through the coming out process could also assist heterosexual parents and children to process through their reactions. In addition, clinicians should consider how they can facilitate opening up lines of communication within the family system to decrease the initial shame some children may experience or be aware of supportive online and community resources such as COLAGE or PFLAG.

Practitioners should also recognize that while religion is often a source of stress, it can also be a source of support, and help gay and lesbian families explore their options. Participants from this study described how they were able to reframe their relationship with religion to maintain a relationship with both of their parents. However, it is also important to note that this approach may not help individuals from conservative or fundamentalist denominations.

The generalizability of these results is limited in that participants were from Judeo-Christian backgrounds and were primarily from the Northeastern United States. While this study included an almost equal number of Protestant, Catholic, and Jewish participants, future research should include more religious denominations, greater diversity in religious backgrounds, and other geographic regions. Various denominations of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, and Christian religions all have beliefs regarding gay and lesbian individuals (Hunsberger, 1996), and therefore religious teachings may lead to a variety of consequences for both gay and lesbian parents and their children. In addition, the themes developed during this study may not be representative of adult children with a gay or lesbian parent and heterosexual parent who are not involved in such organizations as COLAGE and PFLAG. This sample was biased by self-selection; in particular, one participant was a second generation lesbian, another individual had a transgender sibling, and a number of participants had additional GLBT family and friends. Therefore, these individuals may have been more connected to the GLBT community and could have been more motivated to participate. In addition, since most participants were active in gay-affirming organizations, they may have received support in navigating through the influence of religion as it influenced their beliefs about gay and lesbian individuals, resulting in positive parent-child relationships.

Conclusions

The results of the current study begin to document the impact of religion on the parent-child relationship of adult children with a gay or lesbian parent as well as a heterosexual parent and provide some insight into the lives of these individuals. One significant finding was that although adult children who self-discovered or were told that their parent was gay or lesbian may struggled with the secrecy surrounding the disclosure, the majority of participants in this study reported improved relationships with their gay or lesbian parents after they were out. This preliminary finding could impact how clinicians work with gay and lesbian parents as well as their children. Thus, future researchers should explore the benefits that coming out could have on the immediate family. If supported through additional empirical study, these findings could influence public policy and custody decisions. In summary, previous scholars have addressed the challenges that gay and lesbian parents as well as their children face due to societal stigma; however, few studies have tried to understand this experience. Religion is often cited as a source of stigma, but this study was the first to explore how religion impacts the parent-child relationship of adult children with a gay or lesbian parent. Overall, the present study found that families faced multiple source of stress, and that religious stigma may introduce stress into the relationship, but that these issues can be resolved. Rather than dichotomously choosing between religion and their family, participants redefined their religious beliefs to integrate their religion and their family. Thus, the present study provided support for the possibility of integrating gay-affirming religious practices into the lives of families with a gay or lesbian parent. Future researchers should continue to examine this area with larger and more religiously as well as ethnically diverse samples.

Appendix- Interview Guide

1. Where did you grow up?

2. Describe your family relationships when you were growing up. (Make sure mother, father, and sibling relationships were discussed if relevant).

3. Describe the role of religion (if any) in your family when you were growing up.

   • ❖ How does your religion view GL individuals?

4. How did you learn that your parent was GL?

5. How did you handle this disclosure?

6. How did your other family members handle this disclosure? (Mother, father, siblings)

7. How did the coming out affect your relationships with you mother and father?

8. Who were your supports?

9. What is it like now to be the daughter or son of a GL parent?

10. Tell me about your current family relationships.

11. Now I’d like to hear about your religion and how it currently affects you and your family.

    • ❖ How does your religion view GL individuals?

    • ❖ Can you provide examples of this?

    • ❖ How do religious organizations in your community view GL individuals?

    • ❖ How do you feel about that?

12. Next, I would like to know about your ethnic community.

    • ❖ How do you feel your ethnic community views GL individuals?

    • ❖ How do you feel about that?

13. Is there anything else you would like to share with me?