When both our children and four grandchildren were growing up, I would ask them the same question as often as they would tolerate it: “What do you think is the most important decision of your life?” The answer I gave them, which they soon learned to repeat to me, was: “Who you marry!” Not where you go to college, not what job you pursue, not where you live, or not how much money you make but whom you select to partner with for the rest of your life.
I have just completed reading Ann Patchett’s This Is the Story of a Happy Marriage, a collection of essays and speeches that the author has penned over the years. The topics are wide ranging and give great insight into the author, but the most touching topics, in my opinion, are the ones about her second, very successful marriage. Despite coming from a long familial legacy of divorce, Ms. Patchett recounts how she found her soulmate whom she admits makes her a “better person.”
When Marti Rothe expressed interest in guest editing an issue of the IJWD in my honor, I was very touched. I have worked side-by-side with Marti for almost 30 years and she is a wonderful friend and colleague. Recently, she sent me a questionnaire that included life questions. I responded to the questions without realizing she would put my answers in the journal. Because I referenced my husband Barry so often, I felt obliged to expand on this topic for the readership.
Many, if not most, readers of this journal are career women. Let’s face it, we are pulled in so many directions simultaneously, it is amazing that we can function as well as we do! When Marti asked me what my “secret weapon” was to having done so much in my career, my answer was easy: Barry. I am obviously not as eloquent as Ms. Patchett, nor do I have as interesting a personal story to tell. Barry and I sat next to each other in medical school, became best friends, and fell in love. We have weathered school, training, financial challenges and now relative financial comfort, family and personal illnesses, death of loved ones, miscarriages, raising children, dual careers, and presently our golden or rusting years as a team in complete partnership. To be fully transparent, it actually has been a 60:40 partnership with Barry carrying the bigger load. Of all of the challenges that life has presented to me, the easiest one has been my marriage. Most people will advise you to work at your marriage. Mine required no work.
Why is that? I honestly do not know the answer but I wish I did and could package it and sell it! I can share the following with you. I really like and respect Barry. He is my best friend and when I see his car in the garage, I am thrilled he is home. We share the same values and interests, are committed to each other and family, and have grown up together. Although in our youth, we occasionally fought about silly things, which I now regret, we have always been nice to each other and supported each other’s dreams. Everything in our life is pooled: children, grandchildren, friends, extended family members, memories, money, books, collectibles, and successes. There is no yours versus mine.
It just does not get any better than that!