Forgiveness: A Key Resiliency Builder

The risk of burnout among healthcare providers continues to rise [3], due in part to the external stressors of our jobs like the loss of autonomy, increased liability risk, electronic medical records, and insurance intrusion. Although we cannot eliminate these stressors, we can control our response and attitudes to any event and circumstance, and thereby gain some measure of control over our emotions.

I have found that by incorporating energy-sparing practices into my daily life, I can minimize negative emotions such as despondency, anger, hostility, and jealousy [1]. These practices, including mindfulness, displaying gratitude, and being kind, all yield immeasurable dividends on our emotional health.

One exercise we have not yet discussed in this space is seeking forgiveness, which frees an individual of the negative energy attached to emotional or physical pain inflicted on them [10]. Negative feelings rob us of happiness, joy, and energy, and our bodies are ill-equipped to handle continual surges of adrenaline generated by these intense emotions. Anger and hostility in the workplace or at home can wreak havoc on our physical health, particularly the heart, as the chronic effects of heightened blood pressure, heart rate, and vasoconstriction can potentially damage the coronary arteries [8, 9]. But offering forgiveness is known to lower adrenaline and cortisol levels—hormones that can damage coronary endothelium or increase the likelihood of diabetes [10].

Despite the physical benefits of accepting forgiveness, many of us go through our lives holding onto the emotional pain caused by a transgressor or loved one. Why can’t we let go? Why is it so hard to forgive?

Old Wounds

When an offense triggers a childhood wound [2] it can be difficult for an individual to forgive. In fact, psychologist Harville Hendrix maintains that “the trauma of childhood becomes the drama of adulthood” [4].

Take, for example, my father who was reared by his own excessively judgmental father. In turn, my dad naturally criticized me incessantly during my childhood. As a result, I became sensitive to any critical remarks, which presented great difficulty to my loving wife, Marie.

I have worked diligently to forgive my father and recognize that the emotional abuse he endured from his own father was a chief determinant of his critical nature. I came to the realization that Dad did the best he could, given his uniquely dysfunctional formation. Once I forgave my father, I found that I could love more freely and spend less time reeling from old pain. In short, I became a better husband.

Why did I wait so long to forgive my father? Perhaps we want our offenders to suffer to atone for their offensive behavior. We may even act out passive-aggressively as a way to exact punishment upon them. This type of behavior will only hurt ourselves. Releasing the realization of old pain will enable you to enjoy life’s beauty more fully. When we learn to forgive others, we simultaneously heal ourselves [5].

Another reason we tend to hold on to pain is because our pride can sometimes deter forgiveness. If I forgive someone, will (s)he perceives me as weak? In truth, forgiveness demands great strength and character [6]. Saint Francis of de Sales stated: “Nothing is so strong as gentleness, nothing so gentle as real strength” [7].

Empathy and Compassion in Practice

When we accept others as they are—imperfect, flawed, and struggling beings who are doing the best they can under their current conditions—we will begin to view ourselves with more compassion. When we look at others through the eyes of love, what was once irksome becomes an opportunity for empathy. In time, we will extend this same compassionate and forgiving tone to ourselves.

Often, we need to stand up to the bad behavior (bullying, racism, sexism, or tyranny) of others. Mindfulness, compassion, and empathy all have a role to play in this; as these traits, in this context, allow us to better understand where the bad actor is coming from. That does not mean that we should submit passively to the offensive behavior of others, but a compassionate perspective can help us identify what behaviors from others are acceptable and what violates our dignity.

Empathy and compassion are essential to fully enact forgiveness. Once we begin to see the world as our offender sees it, we can understand (not necessarily condone) his or her behavior. When we recognize that we all err, compassion will spring forth.

Those who practice self-compassion recognize that they are not defined by their mistakes. For example, an errant move during surgery will be restructured by the resilient surgeon from “I am a terrible surgeon” to “I miscalculated the configuration of the fracture.” In the event of surgical mishaps, the surgeon must exercise self-compassion and convey to the patient (and his or herself) that mistakes are inevitable and that no surgeon is infallible. In addition, when we ask others to forgive our offenses, we demonstrate integrity, humility, and an intention to heal relationships—all virtues that promote peace.

Tomorrow, Try This

1. Consider the toll an unforgiving disposition is exacting on your health and joy.

2. Determine what pushes your buttons. This self-reflection may hold the key to healing an old childhood wound.

3. Look for the good in your colleagues and try to practice empathy and compassion.

4. Consider enlisting the help of a skilled therapist should old traumas come to mind during self-reflection.