Your Best Life: The Gift of Suffering

All of us endure hardships; it is fundamental to the human condition. We all lose loved ones, we all encounter illness, and we all experience disappointment. No one has escaped hurt, and all of us carry some measure of emotional trauma, whether we acknowledge it or not.

Unacknowledged pain can compound suffering, and it may cause us to act out and hurt others. Noted author and Catholic priest Father Richard Rohr has remarked that “pain that is not transformed is transmitted” [11]. However, if we learn and assign some measure of meaning to suffering, we will be less inclined to inflict pain on those we love.

Pain and suffering can be instructive, and they can be great sources of growth [5]. Pain always evokes a response. We can try to deny it or avoid it, but when we embrace and acknowledge suffering, growth ensues.

But we must first decide to learn from our pain. As author and former Navy Seal Jocko Willink has stated, “there is no growth in the comfort zone” [16]. The tough times in life may hold the key for true transformation, and they may help us to look at life differently and adopt new perspectives and paradigms.

The hard passages in life are good teachers [10], and they can help us emerge stronger and more enlightened. Some of the potential gifts of suffering include humility, compassion, resilience, enhanced faith, and patience.

Humility

Humility is closely tied to inner peace and satisfaction [12], and it is a cornerstone for enhanced relationships [13, 15]. Humility in this context is the simple (but hard-to-actualize) acceptance of what is; acceptance entails dealing with the now as it is and not rejecting it or denying it. There is always a potential gift in suffering, and to reject it or salve it with drugs or alcohol will only postpone or prevent healing. When we accept suffering, recognize that it will end and be open to growth, we actually suffer less.

Compassion

Compassion can be defined as a deep appreciation for the suffering of others that is fueled be a desire to alleviate it. The only authentic way to fully understand the suffering of others is to experience suffering ourselves [9]. It is no secret that some of the best therapists have weathered great suffering themselves.

It is common, though, that when we encounter difficulty, we may decide to become angry, resentful, and blame others or God. Instead, we must recognize that we all have the power to choose our response to any stimulus, including suffering. We can see our distress as a means to change our hearts and learn to become more wise and compassionate.

My childhood was complicated by an alcoholic parent. Through my own experiences, I have grown more sensitive to the emotional distress of others. My painful experiences of childhood make it easier for me to identify which residents are struggling.

But more importantly, my own suffering has prompted me to seek to mitigate the pain of others. This is, in large part, why I write columns like this one. I recognized, in time, that the best way to heal or ease my own sorrow was to focus outward, on the pain of others. By becoming an instrument in the healing of others, I found purpose and was less inclined to dwell on my own difficulties. It is not surprising that the 12th step in the 12-step recovery process is to “carry the message of the 12 steps to others in need” [1].

Resilience

Just as muscles grow when stressed, so too can hardship temper our resilience [3]. When we persevere through something difficult, we emerge stronger and more resilient [2]. Helen Keller, the famous author who was born blind and deaf, wrote that “character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved” [6].

When we learn to grow from our pain, we will in time recover more quickly from stress; this is the hallmark of resilience.

In the throes of misfortune, it is paramount to remind ourselves that suffering will ultimately end, and that every trial holds an opportunity to grow. The adoption of such a growth mindset, whereupon we view challenges as a springboard for growth and developing abilities, has been shown to translate to increased well-being and resilience [17, 18].

Spiritual View

For those who believe in a higher power, suffering actually can be framed as a divine gift. Many spiritual writers have noted that God doles out pain to those chosen for radical growth. Many mystics have written about the dark night of the soul, which they describe as a divinely created vacuum that only God can fill. These deep periods of spiritual aridity can lead either to prolonged despondency or a total submission to one’s higher power.

Those in recovery describe something similar: a rock bottom [4], defined as the moment when the distress and pain become so great that there is nowhere else to go but up. It is when many alcoholics descend to the lowest point of their lives that they admit their powerlessness over their addiction and give themselves fully to God, as they know him.

I recently lost my identical twin to cancer. This was my rock-bottom period. But the loss of my brother Michael prompted me to seek solace in my faith as well as restructure my priorities. Subsequent to Mike’s passing, my faith has grown, and I have placed a greater premium on relationships, especially my marriage. I have examined the distress that perfectionism has caused me over a lifetime and sought the help of a therapist who helped me adopt a more realistic view of myself and the world. I learned to embrace my own imperfections and recognized that I could never increase my true worth by striving for perfect achievements. I also learned that taking risks and making mistakes would hasten my growth as both a person and surgeon. I have never been more effective at life and at work, and my marriage has never been better.

Patience

Our pain holds great promise for growth, but our natural inclination is to try to fix pain, to control it, or deny it. But I believe we become much more patient when we can stay with the pain.

Staying with the pain means accepting it and not denying it. It means asking, is the pain teaching me something? How am I looking at life incorrectly? It is wise to not endeavor to change events but rather endeavor to change yourself [10]. When we stay with pain, the insights and the wisdom will follow. We will emerge more patient, stronger, and transformed [7].

The great mystic Julian of Norwich preached that “even though the night feels impenetrable now, dawn is coming, when we will see with our own eyes that not only is every little thing going to be alright, but that it has been all along” [14].

One of the ways I cultivate patience is by practicing affirmations, which I find brings me great solace during time of despair. One of my favorites is, “All shall be well and all shall be well and all manner of thing shall be well” [14]. This reminds me to adopt a growth mindset during trials [17].

Tomorrow, Try This

• Do your best to accept what is and that delaying facing challenges will only compound stress [8].

• Accept that every misfortune holds great potential for growth. Affirm that adopting a growth mindset will lead to a more peaceful and fulfilling life.

• Adopt a realistic view of life as cyclic—misfortune is followed by more joyful times and we have the potential to spiral upward if we choose to.

• Enlist the support of trusted loved ones during adversity. Healing does not happen alone.