Your Best Life: Stop Judging Others—A Gateway to More Peace

The life of an orthopaedic surgeon is complicated and stressful [13]. Bureaucratic demands keep mounting, and surgical complications will be with us for as long as we do surgery. With those hardships as a constant, there’s no need to increase our misery.

Those who can remain mindful of the present moment and adopt a non-judgmental posture toward others will enjoy greater peace and joy [10]. In a previous column [6], I have extolled the virtues of mindfulness and how we can discharge stress when we accept the present moment without judgment. Likewise, we can all experience fulfillment when we decide to accept others rather than judge them. By releasing the negative energy that judgment generates, we can bring our “A-Game” to every area of our lives [2]. That is not to say that we must condone offensive behaviors (the establishment of healthy boundaries is critical to preserving energy), but we can separate the person from the behavior, and thereby spare ourselves needless anguish.

Origins of Judgment

As many spiritual writers have conveyed, we tend to see the world not as it is, but as we are [3]. Those who view people and events with a critical disposition tend to be very critical of themselves. Many of us carry the wounds of a critical parent or absent caretaker. Some of us even experienced emotional or physical abuse during our formative years. We tend to project this emotional pain onto others, who serve as mere reflections of how we see ourselves. We are also deluded into thinking that tearing others down will somehow lessen our own feelings of inadequacy [8].

The good news is that we all have a choice: We can allow the ingrained and negative tendencies to manifest daily, or we can choose another way.

Each of us has the power to choose our response to whatever befalls us and to accept the present moment without judgment [4]. We can decide to look at others with the eyes of compassion and thus partake in a large measure of healing the world and ourselves. When we show acts of kindness and compassion toward others, we will receive blessings in return.

What We Focus on Expands

As Abraham Lincoln aptly stated, “Those who look for the bad in people will surely find it.” [1] When we become habitually aligned to all that is wrong with someone, those negative traits consume more and more of our attention. The old adage applies: Energy flows where attention goes [9]. We can quickly become embroiled in a huge field of negative energy. Before long, our whole world can appear dreary.

Those of us in struggling marriages or partnerships may have fallen into the trap of dedicating too much energy to the flaws of our significant other. When we do this, we stifle our beloved’s growth and even nurture negative traits. We are free to decide instead to focus on the good in others, which will not only affirm their positive traits, but also present ourselves in a favorable light.

Everyone is Doing the Best They Can

When we recognize that most of us are doing the best we can at any moment, we can trade judgment for compassion [7]. When someone displays inappropriate anger, it is usually inner anguish manifesting. It is a good thing to remember that, generally, the more aberrant and offensive behavior a person displays, the more suffering he or she is experiencing.

Years ago, I was summoned to the front desk of my clinic. There was a very angry middle-aged man hurling expletives at the staff, presumably because I was an hour behind schedule. Thankfully I had the presence of mind to apologize for my tardiness, and the patient rushed out of the office without a reply. One week later, I was called to the front desk once again to meet this same man, who apologized, stating that he had bipolar disorder and was off his medications when he visited me last. Had I rendered harsh judgment on this patient, the situation could have easily worsened.

Boundaries

A compassionate posture does not mean we should forfeit boundaries. We must continually convey to others what behaviors, regardless of the cause, we deem permissible—but we can assert our boundaries calmly and without rancor.

Recently, I admonished a patient not to swear in the presence of my physician assistant. My staff appreciated the gesture.

People Are Not Their Behavior

When we need to judge or disapprove, it’s best to focus on actions, not people. Clearly, certain behaviors—violence, stealing, lying—are to be condemned, but the person displaying these behaviors deserves compassion with boundaries.

I recall a patient with an anterior shoulder dislocation who was voicing a continual cacophony of yelling and swearing. A lidocaine injection and a gentle reduction transformed this “yelling madman” into a kind soul. Postreduction, the transformation in this person’s demeanor was incredible. He apologized for his unkind remarks and expressed gratitude for the care. We can’t forget that pain can evoke offensive behaviors.

The Law of the Echo

When we look at others with the eyes of love and compassion, we will, in time, heal ourselves [12]. Perhaps the best method of healing our own wounds is to regard others with the same care that we would wish for ourselves. When we look for the good in others and affirm it, we help those people become their best selves. As Goethe wrote, “If you treat an individual as he is, he will remain how he is. But if you treat him as if he were what he ought to be and could be, he will become what he ought to be and could be” [5]. The Law of the Echo is immutable: What we put out into the universe will come back to either “bless” or “stress” us [11]. It’s our choice.

Tomorrow, Try This

• When faced with a conflict, stick to the facts and avoid personal attacks.

• Develop a mindfulness practice. When we accept the present moment as is, there is no room for judgment.

• Compile a list of all the things you like about your significant other and refer to it regularly.

• Recognize that when someone demonstrates an obnoxious behavior, they may be acting out inner pain.

• Try to forgive at least one person a day.

• If you are a person of faith, try to pray for your offender. (It is harder to feel hatred toward someone you are praying for.)