Your Best Life: Real Change Occurs Within

All of us are engaged in relationships and situations that challenge us, whether at work or at home. Naturally, our first reaction to these stressors is to try to change others to meet our needs. We expend needless energy attempting to transform others into a mold that will be more compatible with our wants and desires. However, we all can be positive agents of change when we direct our attention to the only person we have any measure of true control over: ourselves.

We all possess the ability to change what we tolerate by articulating our expectations, permissible boundaries, and the consequences of unacceptable behaviors. When we clearly emit to others and the world about how we wish to be treated, we are on our way to defining a more fulfilled life. We are the only ones who can craft the lives and healthy relationships we desire [8]. In time, others will treat you with newfound respect because you are respecting yourself.

We Create Our “Life Culture”

All of us have the power to determine the culture we desire at home and at work. One of the best definitions of “culture” I have discovered correlates culture with “behaviors we tolerate” [3]. In other words, when we tolerate actions that offend or annoy us, we give the offenders the power. For example, if a coworker repeatedly utters offensive, sexist remarks and we do not express disapproval, the behavior will continue or worsen.

I am blessed to work in a university that allows me to access the sports weight room. I summon my aging body regularly to engage in a light lifting workout in a magnificently adorned training facility. The weights are always racked when not in use; nothing is ever misplaced. The weight room culture demands order and respect for others who will use the equipment. The result is a weight room that is always immaculate and in perfect order.

My father was a Marine Corps drill instructor during World War II and he was a strict disciplinarian. He did not tolerate the use of obscenities, especially in the presence of my mother. If expletives were uttered in her presence, clear and concise consequences would result. Despite the omnipresent fear of a sharp reproof, dad’s hard boundary for proper language sowed the seeds of a respectful family culture.

Don’t Reinforce Others’ Weaknesses

When we allow others to offend us or treat us without resistance, we reinforce the offender’s dysfunctional behavior. If someone is abusive and we do not challenge that behavior, we are telling that person to continue his or her offensive and hurtful ways. We might as well have just said, “What you did or said is OK with me” [1].

In the classic work The Dance of Anger, Harriet Lerner addresses harmful, offensive behavior and states that a “live and let live” posture merely signals a “de-selfed” position in which we give no value to our own feelings and needs. When we articulate and reinforce our boundaries, we affirm our own self-worth [4].

When we challenge others to refrain from certain behaviors, we also help them grow. We convey that their actions are unacceptable and if they wish to continue a relationship with us, certain behaviors will have to cease. When we withdraw from the relationship, the impetus is on others to meet our expectations or accept the fact that we are moving on.

Turn the Other Cheek?

As a Christian, I learned in catechism to “turn the other cheek” when faced with confrontation [7]. But for many years I misconstrued this principle as opening myself up to endure many offensive and undignified behaviors. I have come to learn that “turn the other cheek” instead means not to escalate disagreements with retaliation. It is not an excuse to serve as a whipping post and subject oneself to harmful and injurious actions. Each of us is endowed with immeasurable value and worth, and if we do not protect our own dignity, who will? It takes great strength to avoid escalation of conflict. However, real and lasting solutions ensue only when we resolve difficulties peacefully and rationally [5].

Early in my surgical career, I earned a reputation as a “really nice guy,” which soon morphed into “a pushover.” I was reluctant to challenge the OR charge nurse when my cases were bumped in order to accommodate another surgeon. In time, I recognized that my colleagues were treated differently, and that they experience far fewer surgical delays. Today, when I sense that other surgeons are “gaming” the system and insisting on an emergent room for a nonemergent procedure, I remind myself that advocating for my patients is more important than being liked by others and do everything in my power to not allow the unjust relinquishment of my room. But I do not stoop to their level to accomplish this—I have learned to convey the facts in a courteous and dignified manner and not violate the relationship with demeaning or offensive language.

Consequences

In order to craft the culture and life that we desire, we need to convey consequences of the actions and behaviors we do not approve of.

The residents I am blessed to teach recognize that they are expected to prepare for surgical cases. If they are unprepared, they understand they will perform less surgery. My operating room team is aware that any disrespectful, offensive language or behavior is not tolerated and will result in a display of disapproval. The key here is being consistent in the execution of consequences. If we articulate our expectations and their consequences, we must be true to our word. The moment we make exceptions, our credibility is lost.

Challenging Scenarios: Where the Growth Lies

Every challenging event is an opportunity to grow. There is no growth in comfort, so we all must continue to ask, “What is this situation asking of me?” The great psychiatrist Viktor Frankl wrote: “It did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us” [2]. Frankl stated that each event in our lives demands the right conduct and action. Will we respond in a self-affirming or self-effacing way? What message do we want to send to others?

Humility is Not Self-deprecation

Many of us confuse humility with self-reproach. They’re different. Humility is the absence of pride and arrogance. For those with a spiritual inclination, humility is when we recognize that another power or force is at work within. As a person of faith, I enjoy my most peaceful days when I feel my higher power at work within me. Striving to be humble is not a justification for self-hatred. Humility is a character strength that correlates with well-being [6].

Tomorrow, Try This

Stop blaming others for your lot in life and re-enlist your personal power by doing the following:

• Take an inventory of the culture at home and at work. What behaviors are you enabling?

• In every event, ask yourself, “What message am I conveying to others about what I find permissible?”

• Write a vision statement about the life you wish to have and take the first step needed to create it.