Christmas with the Millstones

“It has not been a good year,” said Martha Millstone. “Nothing has gone right since that man from CHI found a dead body in the evidence base room.”

“We're trying to have a nice family Christmas, dear,” said David Millstone. He pushed a purple paper crown on to his head.

“Then tell me what that woman is doing here.” Martha pointed at Janet Pringle.

“I know when I'm not wanted.” Janet got up and took off her silver paper hat. It caught on one of her snowman earrings.

“I invited Janet because she is Douglas's friend,” said David, “and I want her to stay.”

“She is a floozy and a topless model,” said Martha.

“I've given up the topless modelling, now that I've paid off my student loan,” said Janet.

“Have you?” asked Douglas Millstone. He sounded pleased.

“She's a full time GP trainee now,” said David, “and we're very pleased to have her at Murkton Moor.”

“I wouldn't have invited him.” Martha pointed at Douglas.

“Douglas is our son,” said David.

“I knew I shouldn't have come,” said Douglas.

“Everyone sit down and eat,” said David. “The turkey's getting cold.”

“The third person I didn't invite is you.” Martha pointed her fork at James Fatterley. “You're not even family.”

“James is a family friend and valued colleague,” said David.

“He's a lousy chief executive. He suspended me, and he's trying to close down the hospital,” said Martha. “Now he's given me the impossible choice: save the hospital or return to work.”

Figure 2.

Janet Pringle

“He's only doing his job,” said David. “I think we should all eat, drink, and be merry. It is Christmas.”

“Something is wrong,” said Martha.

“Nonsense, dear, the turkey looks fine. There are roast potato, mashed potato, sausages, bacon, sprouts, carrots, parsnips, stuffing—”

“We're all here,” said Martha.

“We're having a wonderful family Christmas,” said David.

“We're all doctors,” said Martha. “Why is no one working?' She looked up and down the table.

“We were all lucky this year,” said David.

“I'm not,” said Giles. He held up his mobile phone.

“I'm working tonight,” said Janet.

“Please start eating,” said David.

After Martha had had three helpings of turkey, David had four attempts at lighting the Christmas pudding. He failed. Martha used half a bottle of brandy to create a small Christmas pudding explosion, which burnt Janet's hair. Then Martha insisted on feeding Christmas pudding to Christopher, who swallowed the only pound coin and choked on it. Douglas held him upside down and patted him on the back. The coin flew out, rolled along the floor and fell down a gap between the floorboards.

Figure 3.

Giles Millstone

“We're having Christmas on our own next year,” Penelope whispered to Giles.

“A glass of bubbly, anyone?” asked David. He took the bottle of champagne out of a bucket of ice and pulled the cork. It shot out and made a hole in the ceiling. A sprinkling of plaster fell on to Janet.

“I want to drink a toast to the past year. A year of happy memories, memorable achievements, and family love,” said David.

“Poppycock,” said Martha.

“Our dear son Douglas set off and travelled the globe before returning to the heart of his family,” continued David.

“Absolute twaddle,” said Martha. “Douglas went AWOL when he was on call. As a surgical house officer. While I was medical director.”

Figure 4.

Martha Millstone

“I'm sorry, mother,” said Douglas.

“Then he travelled the world, spending twenty thousand pounds on his Visa card. When he eventually deigned to return, he'd decided to be a psychiatrist, not a surgeon. I am most disappointed in him.”

“He brought Aisha home to us.”

“I'm thinking of adopting Aisha,” said Martha. “She would make a good daughter. She is a hardworking girl who will pass her PLAB exam and make an excellent surgeon.”

“Everyone doesn't have to be a surgeon,” said Douglas.

“I think Douglas should marry Aisha,” said Martha. “She would be a good influence on him.”

“I'm going,” said Janet.

“Ignore mother and have another drink,” said Douglas.

“Then there is our elder son, Giles.” David turned to Giles, Penelope, and Christopher.

“Giles and Penelope went through the wonderful experience of giving us our first grandchild, Christopher.”

“What does he mean, wonderful? I nearly died in childbirth,” whispered Penelope to Giles.

“Ssssh, dear,” said Giles, “Let father finish.”

“Both Penelope and Giles have advanced their careers this year.”

“I have to disagree,” said Penelope. “Giles works in a dump of a health centre. It hasn't progressed since 1951, when it was converted from a TB clinic. His colleagues, Dr Carter and Dr Doorman, think CPD takes place at the nineteenth hole.”

“It is a wonderful development opportunity,” said David.

“I failed my part 2 exam and work in Murkton Moor hospital,” said Penelope.

“Again, the only way is up. We are very proud of our children,” finished David.

“What do you have to say about my career?' asked Martha.

“You have been taking a break,” said David.

“I'm suspended,” said Martha.

“It has given you an opportunity to spend more time at home with the family,” said David. “You have taken up a new hobby, gardening.”

“Breaking and entering,” said Martha. “That's my new hobby. The most fun I had all year was breaking into the hospital to find the file of evidence against me. My other new hobby is saving the hospital from closure.” She stared at James Fatterley.

“Let's not talk about this now, dear,” said David. “James Fatterley is a guest.”

James got up. “I must be going. Veronica Dove's invited me for tea.”

“That woman never invites anyone for tea,” said Martha. “I hope you've got your best boxer shorts on.”

“Martha, that's enough,” said David.

“You did have an affair with Veronica Dove,” said Martha.

“I definitely did not,” said David.

“I'll be off then,” said James. “Thank you for inviting me. It was most... entertaining.”

“Time for some more presents,” said David. “There's lots more beneath the tree.” Penelope picked up a small gold box. “I like little boxes,” she said. “They're always special presents.” Janet, Beth, and Aisha all looked down at their bare fingers.

“Who's it for?” asked Janet.

Penelope squinted at the label. “Martha.”

David shrugged his shoulders. Penelope put the small gold box down by Martha. She ignored it.

Penelope opened a red, blue, and yellow plastic doctor's set. Christopher played with the paper. “They don't sell ones with scalpels,” said Martha. “I hope it's all right.”

Martha opened How to be a Gardener, volumes one and two. “I know you'll enjoy gardening once you know what to do,” said David.

Penelope opened The Working Mother's Guide. “Giles said you couldn't cope,” said Martha.

“Are you going to open that box, mother?” asked Giles. “I didn't know father was so romantic.”

“I'm not,” said David, glumly.

“Open it then,” said Aisha. Martha peeled off the wrapping to uncover a small, black, velvet box. She pushed back the lid and looked at a large ruby ring.

“You know I don't wear rings,” she said to David. “They get in the way.”

Figure 5.

Douglas Millstone

“I didn't buy it,” said David.

Everyone gasped.

“Then who did?” asked Douglas.

“I have no idea,” said Martha and put the box down on the table. Janet picked it up and pulled out a small piece of paper. “Will you be mine?” she read out.

“It's a joke,” said Martha. “A bad joke and a fake ring.”

David scratched his bald patch.

Misplaced Trust

The soap opera in BMJ Careers has been running for a year. Here's a summary of the setting and characters.

Murkton Moor District General Hospital

• Arguably the worst hospital in England

• A small, underfunded district general hospital with chronic staffing problems

• Received red light status after its CHI inspection in November 2002, which found cockroaches in the kitchen, dirty dressings in theatre, and a body in the evidence base room

• The chief executive, Hubert, disappeared just before the CHI inspection, leaving Martha Millstone, then medical director, to clear up the mess. Martha was displeased, not least because Hubert was her lover

• James Fatterley, a multimillionaire businessman, replaced Hubert as chief executive. He had no experience of the NHS but saw it as the ultimate challenge. He failed and resigned from his position, after recommending the closure of Murkton Moor Hospital and re-provision of services at the Turchester Royal, 30 km away

Martha Millstone

• Consultant surgeon, currently on gardening leave

• General gofer, wife, and mother of two doctors

• Involved in SOS, the campaign to save Murkton Moor Hospital

David Millstone

• Consultant psychiatrist

• Medical director

• Martha's husband

• Involved in planning the closure of Murkton Moor Hospital and the re-provision of services at the Turchester Royal, where he expects to get a new psychiatric unit

Giles Millstone

• Martha's elder son

• A part time GP at Murkton Moor Health Centre

• Married to Penelope and father of Christopher

Penelope Millstone

• Giles's wife and mother of Christopher

• A senior house officer in medicine

• Wants to become the wonderful Professor Penelope Millstone but is struggling, having failed her part 2 exam

Douglas Millstone

• A preregistration house officer

• Went AWOL while on call, just before the CHI inspection

• Has upset his mother by deciding to be a psychiatrist, rather than a surgeon. Martha is currently not speaking to him

Aisha

• An overseas doctor whom Douglas met on his travels in Africa

• Now staying with the Millstone family while she does a clinical attachment and works for her PLAB part 2 exam

Dr Janet Pringle

• GP trainee at Murkton Moor

• Has an on-off relationship with Douglas

The other woman

• Veronica Dove, a marriage guidance counsellor

• Has made advances to David Millstone, Dr Carsington, and James Fatterley

The dead body in the evidence base room

• Was unfortunately Dr Diesel, a staff grade doctor. He died by inhaling his own vomit after a drinking session with Douglas Millstone