A question often asked to me because I am living with schizophrenia is, what do the voices say? I probably hear different voices than other people living with schizophrenia. I am never going to understand them or know where exactly they come from, but I do my best to ignore them.
Sometimes it seems like the voices are trying to make me forget my routine. One voice I hear seems action related. It tells me I have already brushed my teeth when I know I have not. Brushing my teeth and making my bed up are part of the daily routine I like to follow.
There is another voice that makes me forget what I want to get at the grocery store. I could only want 3 things and somehow I would forget something. The best way to combat this is to make a list of things you need. I have an ongoing list on my phone. Without my list, I wouldn’t have a guard rail. I would be overstimulated at the grocery store and forget what I had come for.
Sometimes I hear critical voices after I post something on social network. Now that I think about it, I don’t post some things because I don’t like the response from the voices in my head. As much as, I would like to think I have a handle on my schizophrenia there are times I am still affected by my symptoms.
Sometimes I share on social media an article I have written. The different minds inside my schizophrenic brain make me feel either rejection or complimented. It has gotten to the point where I feel the opposite. If I feel complimented, I figure it isn’t good. If I feel rejection, then I feel it is okay to post. The emotions in my schizophrenic mind aren’t an accurate response to what I write. I rarely hear complimentary voices, so I know the voices are not an accurate source of what is actually going on.
I often want to isolate myself, because of the voices inside my head. I am sometimes afraid that the people outside my head know I am hearing voices by the expression in my eyes and on my face. Sometimes it is difficult for me to be neighborly, but I still try. I try to greet my neighbors. The conversation might extend to the weather for the day but won’t get much deeper than that. After that, we go our separate ways. There was a time that I thought if someone was being nice to me then my voice would be angry and distract them and make it hectic in their minds so they would not want to talk to me. Sometimes the only longer conversations I have are from the voices inside my head.
At the beginning of my illness, I thought I was a genius. I started hearing voices even before I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. Now I know the voices are not talking to me, but I still get swept up. Some of my voices think I am profound. The voices buzz around me like bumble bees, but I realize I cannot just sit in my recliner and get swept up by my symptoms. It is important for me to have a daily routine and have ways to block my symptoms of schizophrenia by using music, tv, and exercise. I also started volunteering at Good Will which is only a block away from my apartment.
At Good Will, I hang up secondhand clothes. This is enough stimulation to block out my symptoms. They play music and the other employees are friendly. That helps too.
Voices are part of schizophrenia. I hear voices because I have schizophrenia, and this will most likely be the case forever. However, I can manage my symptoms and voices with medication, a daily routine, and staying active. Whenever I begin hearing voices, that’s my cue to get engaged in another activity. I have also learned that the voices I hear are not reliable, and I do not have to react to what they are saying to me. I might have started hearing voices in the mid-2000s. Now I know the voices are not talking to me, but I still get swept up.