Mean girls

Abstract

This innovative creative writing piece describes an emergency medicine physician's experience growing from adversity as a woman in medicine.

I couldn't get her to like me.
I knew I shouldn't care if she liked me, but it mattered.
She was a mean girl.
What's worse, she was a powerful woman.
I felt like I was failing as a resident.

I would check which attending I was working with every shift. If I saw it was her, I made sure to come extra prepared to try to prove her wrong about me.
On shift, I would hustle, give my best, but it was never enough.
I felt like I was failing as a resident.

I would get eye rolls when I spoke.
I would get yelled at in front of other staff.
She would throw tantrums when I didn't know the answer to something and storm out of the clinical area.
When I asked for help when something was beyond the typical expectation of a resident, she wouldn't get off her chair and she would tell me to “figure it out.”
I overheard her gossiping about me to other staff and I hoped that they wouldn't be tainted by her judgment.
I felt like I was failing as a resident.
Forget liking, I couldn't even get her to treat me with respect.

Then I failed my patient. On shift. With her.

We had a challenging patient together that the previous two teams couldn't manage.
I was determined to do right by the patient and make the impossible happen on our shift.
I approached her with a plan and discussed my two best options and why I was going to choose one over the other.
I was hoping she would be there when the time came to execute it, but as I grew to expect, she wasn't present to help me.
So I went ahead. Alone, like always.
And, as in a perfect Swiss cheese model of adverse events, everything lined up for perfect failure.
My patient had an adverse event.
Not just any adverse event, but the kind that causes permanent disability and/or death.

I can't even begin to describe how terrible that period of time was.
I really thought long and hard about quitting medicine.
I was having intense fear going to work every shift.
I was convinced that all the fault of what happened to that poor patient lay on my shoulders.
This went on for months.

And despite all this, I grew.
I grew in so many ways.

My failures with her, my failures with my patient, and my failures in medicine taught me so much.

She taught me what type of attending I never wanted to become.
I vowed to be a huge support to my learners on shift.
I vowed to be kind when they didn't know everything and support them when they fall down.
I became the type of attending that would go out of my way to mentor and sponsor juniors who needed support and guidance.
I made sure to be an advocate for females and not be a mean girl.

I vowed to never let anyone experience what I went through for 3 years of residency.
I vowed to fight injustice when I saw it and teach others how to stand up for themselves.

Most of all, my failures taught me what type of physician I wanted to become.
Because of these experiences, I am thankful to come home every day and be proud of the work I do.
I am proud to be creating a world where women lift each other up and not tear each other down.
Now that I am a powerful woman.

Adamakos F. Mean girls. AEM Educ Train. 2024;8:e11017. doi: 10.1002/aet2.11017