It's never too early to start planning your retirement party. Don't assume someone else will do it for you. The NHS will acknowledge your 40 years' service by deactivating your swipe cards, not by organising a booze-up. Alcohol and cigars are out, even though shortening your life would benefit the pension fund. And your contemporaries may well retire before you, so it's up to you.
Don't slip away quietly. Your workmates will hate you for wasting an excuse to jive or twist. Who knows, you may even enjoy the party yourself. But not if you try to organise it unaided. This is where we come in. Shyandretiring.com will take the strain, leaving you free to get tired and emotional or bitter and twisted, as you choose.
Our website is packed with fun ideas for a great leaving do. Our standard package (two speeches) and our premium package (no speeches) both include a surprise retiragram—your P45 presented by a stunning health secretary lookalike or a hunky guy wearing a car park attendant's uniform (but not for long).
What about a theme evening? With our “Pirates of the Caribbean” party you can walk the plank, prodded by a cutlass-wielding clinical director. At our “Sicilian” party a genuine former chief executive jumps out of the cake with a submachine gun. Or why not splash out on our deluxe package? Return to the boardroom where you were interviewed, trash it, then fly to Greece to renew your Hippocratic Oath.
Scared that nobody will turn up? Our friends at Rentacolleague.com provide past friends to reminisce with (you'll never know which of them is genuine) and fellow consultants whose names (let's face it) you've always been a bit vague about. They'll also include some heartwarming surprise guests. At last you'll meet the man with the hammer-drill who's been working next door to your consulting room for the past two years.
No need to worry about that farewell speech. We supply handouts for your guests to treasure forever, with titles ranging from “168 hours a week—we loved it!” to “21 reasons why the NHS is doomed.” End your evening with our NHS karaoke, singing “I did it their way,” and afterwards benefit from our FREE personal tutorial on how to behave when retired. Rule one: don't gloat.