In this column last year I described how I had to perform a catheterisation on a flight from Florida with neither gloves nor lubricant. Since then I've become a jinx: a footballer defied the laws of anatomy and swallowed his tongue and I had to make a pretence of extricating it (I felt the crowd expected it of me); an over-enthusiastic lady dislocated a shoulder while throwing her panties at an Elvis impersonator; and my Auntie Mamie fell off a seaside donkey (at least that was funny).
There is no escape from my fate. We are doctors; if we are called, we gotta go, that's the deal. But one common thread runs through all of the above emergencies. My credentials as a doctor have never been questioned, despite my not looking much like a doctor, my lack of gravitas (you've either got it or you haven't—you can't learn it), and my nipple rings attracting some curious (though admiring) looks.
Like you, I'm sure, I carry nothing that definitively identifies me as a doctor. It's not on my passport, not on my driving licence, it's not etched on my forehead nor tattooed on my butt. We just introduce ourselves—“I'm a doctor”—and everyone else steps back and breathes a big sigh of relief, so alarmed by medical emergencies that they are only too delighted to hand over responsibility (especially to someone who is insured).
We are immediately taken at our word and allowed ultimate authority. It's a hoaxer's wonderland; after fumbling with the air passenger's genitals in the incident at the top of this column I could have said, “By the way, I'm not really a doctor at all; wheeeee!!”
People should be more suspicious; charlatans are everywhere, and perhaps we need some form of international physician's identity card. This would not be for our benefit—we already know who we are—but for the benefit of whoever is nominally in charge, be they air crew, paramedics, cops, clergy, relatives, friends, casual bystanders, or friendly neighbourhood skinheads.
A quick vox pop of my colleagues has indicated that they might (just might) take up the option if it was sponsored. Doctors already provide a free and totally unappreciated service for the travel companies and airlines; if these were to sponsor an ID card, perhaps they would stop taking us for granted. As Mae West said, “It pays to be good, but it doesn't pay much.”