Where to Go for Your Winter Vacation

The Pacific Ocean comprises an area of 181 300 000 km², about one-third of the earth’s surface. Within that unimaginable area are thousands of islands and many countries, some independent and some even now part of other countries. Many of the nations in that vast area encompass one, a few, or many islands, sometimes comprising archipelagos, chains of islands covering enormous areas. Some of these islands or countries are very small and little is known about them. I intend here to describe in some detail a small number of the lesser known islands, in the hope that one will strike your fancy as a vacation destination.

First, and as always, terms should be clarified. The term “Polynesia,” meaning “many islands,” was first used by Charles de Brosses in 1756, and originally applied to all the islands of the Pacific. Jules Dumont d'Urville, in an 1831 lecture to the Geographical Society of Paris, proposed a restriction on its use, and also introduced the terms Micronesia and Melanesia. This division into three distinct Pacific subregions remains in widespread use today

There are numerous named island chains in the south Pacific Ocean: Caroline Islands, Christmas Islands, Cook Islands, Gilbert Islands, Mariana Islands, Marquesas Islands, Marshall Islands, New Hebrides Islands, Phoenix Islands, Samoa Islands, Society Islands, Solomon Islands, Tokelau Islands, Tonga Islands, among them.

The islands and island groups of Polynesia include: American Samoa (overseas United States territory), Anuta (in the Solomon Islands), Cook Islands (self-governing state in free association with New Zealand), Easter Island (part of Chile, called Rapa Nui in Rapa Nui), Emae (in Vanuatu), French Polynesia (“overseas country,” a territory of France), Hawaii (a state of the United States), Kapingamarangi (in the Federated States of Micronesia), Mele (in Vanuatu), New Zealand (called Aotearoa in Māori, usually associated with Australasia), Niue (self-governing state in free association with New Zealand), Nuguria (in Papua New Guinea), Nukumanu (in Papua New Guinea), Nukuoro (in the Federated States of Micronesia), Ontong Java (in the Solomon Islands), Pileni (in the Solomon Islands), Rennell (in the Solomon Islands), Rotuma (in Fiji), Samoa (independent nation), Sikaiana (in the Solomon Islands), Swains Island (politically part of American Samoa), Takuu (in Papua New Guinea), Tikopia (in the Solomon Islands), Tokelau (overseas dependency of New Zealand), Tonga (independent nation), Tuvalu (independent nation), and Wallis and Futuna (overseas territory of France).

Micronesia is divided into eight nation-states and territories: the Federated States of Micronesia (sometimes referred to simply as “Micronesia”, or abbreviated as “FSM”), which consists of four states: Kosrae, Yap, Pohnpei, and Chuuk; the Republic of the Marshall Islands; the Republic of Palau; the Commonwealth of the Northern Mariana Islands; the Republic of Nauru; the Republic of Kiribati; the Territory of Guam; and the Territory of Wake Island. I suggest you take notes, as there will be an examination at the end of this article.

Melanesia consists of: Bismarck Archipelago, Fiji, New Caledonia, New Guinea (Papua New Guinea mainland and the Indonesian province of Papua), Maluku Islands, Solomon Islands, Torres Strait Islands, Vanuatu, and Palau Islands.

Okay. We now are conversant in Pacific island names, although we have not and will not even begin to discuss history, cultures, languages, mythology, weather (delightful, unless it is otherwise), or economics of the region. By some estimates, there are 20 000 to 30 000 individual islands, but it also has been suggested that there are more than 30 000, so it is clear than no one really knows how many islands there are. Intuitively, if the number of islands is not known, it is likely that there are islands that have not been found.

Many of the smaller islands in this huge expanse have been, until now, thought to be uninhabited. With few exceptions, they are not. I am letting you in on some secret paradises, which you might consider visiting before they are overrun by the international tourism business or by flood waters resulting from global warming.

The means by which I found these glorious places was pure chance. It seemed to me that if there is a Micronesia, there should be a Macronesia, but there is not. If there is a Melanesia, there should be an Albinesia, but there is not. If there is a Polynesia, there should be a Mononesia, but there is not. On behalf of the readers of this journal, I traveled the Pacific Ocean by catamaran (my wife did all the hard work; a scheme I learned from my many visits to Croatia) and located many heretofore unrecognized islands, listed alphabetically below. On each island I planted the flag of Monaco, simply to confuse the next visitors.

As a bonus to finding these small, undiscovered gems, I discovered an additional attractive feature for the medically-oriented; each of the islands mentioned below (and more, I presume) has a single, distinct, and dreadful, repulsive, or ghastly human disease unique to it, sort of a monoculture. Thus there is no difficulty in making diagnoses of these diseases and even the most inept among us could, with little effort, appear to be an expert.

As expected, angiostrongylosis and schistosomiasis are notable but common problems, as are cryptococcosis, histoplasmosis, zygomycosis, sporotrichosis, chromomycosis, tinea versicolor, lichen amyloidosis, leprosy, and mycetomas, as well as arboviral diseases, hepatitides, typhoid fever, and cholera. You might never want to return to your dull, non-exotic home and job after finding these treasure troves.

The islands and their unique ailments are:

• Amnesia: This idyllic spot is represented by two islands, which are inhabited by people who cannot recall their own history or why they are continually fighting with the Mnemonesians (vide infra). Unique ailment: Pacificorhesus syndrome. An odd illness caused by simultaneous onset of mal de mer and tetany. Need I say more?

• Crimeanesia: On this stunning sand bar live the descendents of people from Russia, France, Sardinia, Great Britain, Turkey, and Austria who fought in the Crimean War, which was not the “War to end all wars.” They gather on the beach each evening to watch the sunset, drink a sort of liqueur (made from shark liver and kelp) and argue as to who was responsible for involving Moldavia and Finland in what was, in effect, a disagreement as to who should have the keys to the Churches of the Holy Land. They do not yet know that those keys are in a safety deposit box in Israel. Unique ailment: Bush syndrome: Chronic, intense pain in the gluteus maximus and flushing of the facial cheeks. It might seem to be a permanent condition, but it is not.

• Japanesia: A small island inhabited by hundreds of men who have not yet heard that World War II has ended; their numbers are decreasing rapidly. These poor souls are looking for women but cannot advertise on the web or in newspapers because they do not have PCs or a post office. Each evening they gather on the beach to toss into the outgoing tide beer bottles with notes in them, but they can no longer remember why they do this. Unique ailment: Asymptomatic arthralgia: Trisomy of human chromosomes 47 and 48 causes this syndrome in people who were born before 1955, and who do not know they should have only 46 chromosomes.

• Kinesia: It is not functional, of course, but all the inhabitants of this island become ill whenever they look at the waves lapping the beaches. Actually, there is only one beach, as the island is round. Most residents of Kinesia live on the leeward side of the island, leaving the windward side (if a circle has a side) to the tourists. Difficult to get good service here. Unique ailment: Malignant emphraxis, an inherited allergy to ice, inevitably fatal. Fortunately, there is no ice on Kinesia, so none of the islanders has ever manifested the illness, but there is that potential.

• Mnemonesia: Lovely place with beautiful sunsets, but here no one forgets anything, so it is a good idea to use an alias when speaking to someone of the opposite sex (or gender, depending on what is happening). Unique ailment: Marusichian filariasis. Infection by filarial worms; specific to journal editors and other peculiar people. When you have this infection you are never alone.

• Nephronesia: A tiny island, Nephronesia is shaped like a kidney, and is really an atoll. Good for surfing but not for much else. Unique ailment: Gian Carlo Menotti syndrome. Patients with this condition have an obsessive need to write very bad music. Caused by fungi acquired from seafood ingested after its “eat by” date, this illness can only be cured by distancing the patient from both salt water and contraltos. Prognosis is not promising. Anyway, it is not life-threatening.

• Oligonesia: This stunning chain of islands actually extends around the world, interrupted only by other islands and continents. It is not on any map. Unique ailment: Guttenberg-Schmidt syndrome, an allergic reaction to octopus ink. The illness manifests by causing the victim to speak fluent French. The syndrome could easily be cured by treatment with American food, but there have been no reports of cures.

• Sayonesia: In contrast to Japanesia, people on Sayonesia do not stay. They arrive as tourists, are washed up on the fabulous beaches, are put over the side from boats whose captains are their spouses, or simply find themselves here some weeks after a British football game. Sayonesians (who can call themselves this only for a day or two) can use the single 1910-style telephone to call the nearest embassy of their country, usually no fewer than 5000 km away; help usually is rushed to them as soon as possible, by balsa raft. Unique ailment: Molluscum contagiosum. A horrible disease, in which the patient acquires shellfish, which attach to his or her body and cannot be removed, but may be transmitted to other humans.

• Terranesia: A unique place, an island where there is real dirt and no sand. It is unknown how it came to be but some believe that Martians put it there and the theme of the nightly entertainment are the little green men themselves, naked as they day they were extruded. Unique ailment: Hiatus canalis nervi petrosi minoris. Given that only some Catholics can understand Latin, this disease is undiagnoseable by non-Catholics and the few Catholics who understand it will not tell the rest of us what it is, but they assure us it is a problem.

• Unesia: This is an archipelago comprising one island. It is unclear why it is an archipelago but it is, and that is that. Everyone in Unesia has a rash but the scientific literature indicates that neither dengue nor chikungunya has ever been reported in Unesia; must be something else. Unique ailment: Tachyphagia. There is so much “socializing” on Unesia that the adult residents eat too hastily and then leave the table. This illness is an acquired one, does not have a genetic basis, and is incurable. Thus far, there have been no complaints.

• Vaneshia: At one time in the not so distant past Vaneshia was inhabited, but all the residents disappeared more than 100 years ago. No one knows where they went and even the Amnesians, the only ones who might have records and evidence, do not. There is absolutely nothing to do on Vaneshia; it is even against the single law to sit on the beach. This place is so boring that one night the tide went out and never came back. Vaneshia once formed a miniarchipelago with Sayonesia. Unique ailment: O’Reilly-Jones-Goldberg-Muhammad syndrome: Very dangerous state in which the patient actually believes we can all get along. Non-functional in today’s environment but possibly a useful condition to have some years from now.

So, if your area of expertise is parasitology, virology, mycology, bacteriology, dermatology, or any of a number of other specialties, you might want to pack a pair of shorts, a container of sunscreen, and a bottle of rum, and head west. Easy to find your target – when you get to Hawaii, turn left.

Further reading:

Monchy D, Huerre MR, de Bičvre C. Deep-seated fungal diseases in the South Pacific, especially New Caledonia. Mycoses. 1998;41:31-4.

Ryan T. “Le President des Terres Australes”: Charles de Brosses and the French Enlightenment: beginnings of oceanic anthropology. J Pacific History. 2002;37:157-86.

Storey AA, Ramirez JM, Quiroz D, Burley DV, Addison DJ, Walter R, et al. Radiocarbon and DNA evidence for a pre-Columbian introduction of Polynesian chickens to Chile. Proc Natl Acad Sci (USA). 2007;104:10335-9.

Whipps CM, Kent ML. Phylogeography of the cosmopolitan marine parasite Kudoa thyrsites (Myxozoa: Myxosporea). J Eukaryot Microbiol. 2006;53:364-73.