Introduction
Schizophrenia is a difficult ailment but can be surpassed. My history of schizophrenic illness revisits me at every turn of my life. The ailment was detected in November, 1993, and till today, I am bearing the agony and ecstasy of my painstaking illness. The hurdles were many yet fortitude and forbearance toward the illness are immense. The courage, determination, resilience, and perseverance to win over my illness till today is pervading to the extreme and with minute vision. Yet the vision is so strong and courageous and definitive. Schizophrenia can be won over with all its agony if strong mentoring is addressed. A leaf out of my book of illness is delineated in this article. Every details of my illness, the initial years, the intermediate years, and present condition of my health, are described with lot of agony and happiness. The important message which lies in the distant scientific horizon is single-minded purpose of mind to be cultivated in the patient and the immense willpower needed to fortify the illness in its truest vision.
How the Illness Started
I was a student in Chemical Engineering at a reputed university in Kolkata, India. The academic pressures were immense and the expectations from seniors were high. Competition, intense competitive pressure, and the strive for excellence in studies were running high in my mind in the years 1988–1992. I was introvert and in the similar manner vulnerable. The vision of life was crumbling as I was approaching the final stages of my graduation year. History of schizophrenic illness was taking a vicious turn. I started hearing voices and delusion was creeping in. Doubt, suspicion, and immense brooding were occupying in my mind.1 Along with the negative thoughts, the pressure to excel in studies was prevalent. Illness was slowly and briskly bringing me closer to devastation and intense agony. I graduated in Chemical Engineering with not so brilliant academic record. This was due to the fierce competition in classroom.
The year was 1993. I just finished my coursework in postgraduation in chemical engineering and about to enter third semester project work.1 My delusions and sound hearing was slowly simmering and leading to intense proportions. I was taking drugs also spuriously. I was not drug-addicted, but the competitive atmosphere and uncertainties in life and career made me to rely on drugs. In November, 1993, a vicious event happened in my life. My mental agony and immense mental agony took its final toll. I went to my teacher’s house in November 14, 1993 at 2.00 AM at night totally bedraggled, bewildered, and belittled with agony and delusion. History took a disastrous and vicious turn on that day. I was thinking someone is plotting against me and a black magic was playing my mind’s thoughts.1,2
How the Illness Was Simmering
As I ended my postgraduation years, I was engulfed in the thought of career advancement. God had his wish and his will power.1 I got a chemical engineering job at New Delhi, capital city of India. The thought, the ambition, and the urge to excel goaded me to move forward in a sunlight day. I was happy and determined to do good in my employment. I went to various chemical engineering industries to enrich my learning process. I became substantially extrovert. But fate had his own words. I was unfortunate in my life suddenly. I started discontinuing medicines which became fatal. I returned back to my hometown Kolkata to settle in my home and work in my home city Kolkata. Fate and providence had other direction for me. I believe in God. All of a sudden I thought God is not with me. I had a relapse when I was returning back to home from outdoor duty in a local train travelling through outskirts of Kolkata. It was October, 1994. I again started hearing voices. Hallucination inserted a nail in my agonizing coffin. I was taken to the psychiatrist and again relief was put under control through antipsychotic drugs. In throughout my 45 years of life, I have tremendous simmering courage, optimism, and hopeful vision. I then shifted to another job in Kolkata in September, 1995. I was changing jobs frequently due to my restlessness and anxiety. I thought judgment day will never come to my life. I was depressed, weak, and emaciated. Again, due to my resilience, I got a teaching job at a reputed engineering college in Rajasthan, India. All of sudden the fresh air of academic excellence urged me to discontinue medicines again. For the first time, I was tremendously bedraggled and bewildered. Hallucination was at its peak. I resisted without taking medicines for 3 months. My uncle came to rescue me out of the bitter wilderness. I came back to Kolkata and was immediately taken to mental health home. The resurrection of life after that period never emerged.
The Initial Years of Extreme Delusion
The initial years of delusion were so agonizing and pessimistic.1 Hopefully, history will never repeat itself. After coming back to Kolkata, I was under strict supervision of a psychiatrist and psychoanalyst. Days seemed to be number. Recovery to me was a mirage. Recovery was so slow. Frustration creeped in for a hapless sufferer. For 1 year (February 1997 to February 1998), I could not do anything. Suspicion and doubt crept in my mind. The life’s challenges became formidable. To my psychiatrist, the only hope of a winning struggle is change of medicines to a new drug called clozapine. I was referred to National Institute of Mental Health and Neurosciences, Bangalore, India. I accompanied my parents to NIMHANS, Bangalore where we stayed in the family ward to be closely observed by doctors (year 1997). Life seemed to be so uncertain in my revitalized journey. We stayed there for 1 month as the new medicine was administered. After treatment, we came back to Kolkata and I got a job as a researcher in one of the most reputed institutes of India. I went there to do my doctoral research but it was incomplete and I returned to Kolkata in the bitter winter of February, 2001. My relapse again occurred turning into devastation. But still determination goaded me to strive forward to an unfinished journey of career and life. I struggled to work in a factory owned by my relatives travelling hard from one part of the city to another for 5 years (2001–2006). In the year 2006, I got a job of a Content Developer researching and formulating mathematics questions for a knowledge process outsourcing unit nearby my house. The recovery is opening up new doors of innovation and ideas. In the year May, 2007, I got a job of Faculty cum Content Developer (Mathematics) in a training institute in the outskirts of Kolkata. I had tremendous hallucination in the evenings but almighty’s will and wish was trying to make me surpass hurdles.
The Intermediate Years of Strong Determination
Strong determination was slowly turning my life into a life of strength, confidence, and fortitude.1,2 I got a job as a Researcher of Environmental Engineering at The Queens University of Belfast, Northern Ireland, United Kingdom (year September, 2008). Almighty was slowly helping me and making me a brilliant researcher and teacher. I had hallucinations and sound hearing but to a lesser degree. I was on clozapine. Without psychoanalytical and psychiatric help I did research at Belfast with a vision to publish research papers. But my long wish was not fulfilled as the research did not fetch me a doctoral degree. The struggle goes on. I came back to India in May, 2010 and immediately got a teaching job in an engineering college in Karnataka, India. My life’s vision was taking a brisk, serious, and ecstatic turn. I studied chemical engineering a lot and brushed up my knowledge. The vision of tomorrow is slowly unfolding. The introvert nature of myself and my attitude turned to be as an extrovert. I quickly made friendship with teachers from different states of India. It was a cosmopolitan atmosphere. In December, 2011 I got a teaching job in Oman. But again fate stood on my way to excellence in career. I was not able to control my students during teaching. I came back to India in May, 2012 and joined a reputed university in Dehradun, India as a faculty of chemical engineering. At present, I am still working in this university. I am still under medication and on clozapine.
Present State of Health
The agony of life is unending yet rejuvenating many a time. Today history is repeating itself in a vibrant and ecstatic manner. My vision of life is regained. I am more extrovert trying to come out of the conch shell where I was when I was in a plundered mental state. Medication is rebuilding and rejustifying my future of life.1,2
In all these years, I got help from my family and psychotherapies in the initial years. Today, life to me is so optimistic and definitive in the truest sense. In the initial years and intermediate years, I had always support from the psychoanalysts. The message to my fellow sufferers are strong determination, courage, and resilience. One has to shape his mind to a single purpose vision and target.
Winning Over a Disastrous Illness and a Retrospection
Winning in life is not easy for a patient with schizophrenia. Hardship, agony, and social negligence can be inevitable jargons. Yet with retrospective effect, I can say that there is hope amongst hurdles. If one has strong determination and is strongly steadfast, one can truly win over the lack of concentration, lack of confidence and the barriers of life.
Schizophrenia, Message to Sufferers, Scientific Understanding, and Path Toward Recovery
The message to fellow patients is to rebuild single purpose state of mind. Then one can overcome many hurdles. Strong mentoring from parents, relatives, and peer group needs to be addressed. Mind’s journey will be an umbilical cord between hope and near-ultimate recovery. A sufferer can be also a mentor to his fellow sufferers. Psychoanalytical help will be a primordial issue in the patient’s road to recovery.
A Strong Message to the Silent Sufferers
Silently I had suffered through 20 years. I had been rejected by my peer groups and family but still I strived through the path of horns. Today is the age of immense scientific understanding. Scientific innovations can lead to the progress and recovery of sufferers. New medication will bring in a revolution in schizophrenic research.
Scientific Understanding, Recovery From Schizophrenia, and Path Toward a Better Future and Better Well-being
Scientific understanding and recovery from schizophrenia today have an umbilical cord of immense vision.1,2 The path to better future and better health will surely be realized with the passage of time. My history of illness is a glorious example to the many trials and tribulations of a patient with schizophrenia.
Conclusion
The message which I need to forward is that of immense, hope, vision, and strong fortitude. Single purpose set of mind is the crucial element of recovery. The agony is immense but a strong belief in medical advice will surely help a sufferer to win in life. The jargons of pessimism should be obliterated immediately from the sufferer’s mind.1,2 The mirage of happiness will be surely realized with immense determination. I am today substantially well and surely I want to see other fellow patients to win in life. Optimism will surely be addressed in every step in life with every agonizing situations.
References
- 1. Weiner SK. First person account: living with the delusions and effects of schizophrenia. Schizophr Bull. 2003:29:877–879. [DOI] [PubMed] [Google Scholar]
- 2. Woods A. Rethinking “Patient Testimony” in the medical humanities: the case of schizophrenia bulletin’s first person accounts. J Lit Sci. 2013;6:30–54. [DOI] [PMC free article] [PubMed] [Google Scholar]