Death is not waiting for us at the end of a long road.
Death is always with us ... she is the secret teacher hiding in plain sight.
— Frank Ostaseski, The Five Invitations1
In 1991, I served on a Kaiser Permanente team to prepare staff for the Patient Self-Determination Act and how to speak with patients and their families about advance directives. Years later, I mentored Permanente Medical Group and Group Health physicians in teaching their colleagues how to have conversations about death and dying.2 In 2016, my partner of 36 years unexpectedly died. During this time I wrote the following haiku about my experience.
BEFORE AND DURING
Doing the right thing
Consequences multiply. Right?
Yes, but still sad
Heart breaks when he says
“I want to come home with you.”
That’s what I want too
“it’s out of your hands”
Striving to do what I can.
Limits are unclear
What to do? I asked
Be present. Speak up. Hold him.
More than good enough
Feel nausea heart quakes
Dead. Gone. Ashes.
Nevermore. Am I in a dream?
AFTER
Sliding through each day
Without notice: remember.
Images flood mind
Going through motions
Get up, walk, eat, pretending.
Act as if I live
Time drags me under
Too much time not enough time.
I succumb to time
These are early days
Four and one half months so fresh.
Walking the Bardo a
Open or push down
Each moment offers a choice.
Present/Distraction
My constant mantra
He’s not suffering. He’s safe.
I did my best
Easter services
Happy? No, just not crying.
Solace in a crowd
I am sore angry
“Get on with it,” one voice says.
I will not be pushed
She’s speaking my words
Only someone who’s been there.
Echoing my truth
I am very strong
No proving needed; just ask.
People want to help
AT THE LIBRARY
I told her he died
She remembered his last name.
He’s not forgotten
Glimmers will appear
Accept hard times will remain.
Give it time she says
Each day a new day
To breathe, to feel: remember.
Six hundred plus days
Footnotes
“Bardo” is the Tibetan term for the intermediate state or gap we experience between death and our next rebirth. More generally, the word “bardo” refers to the gap or space we experience between 2 states.3
Disclosure Statement
The author(s) have no conflicts of interest to disclose.
References
- 1.Ostaseski F. The five invitations: Discovering what death can teach us about living fully. New York, NY: Flatiron Books; 2017. [Google Scholar]
- 2.Runkle C, Wu E, Wang EC, Gordon GH, Frankel R. Clinician confidence about conversations at the end of life is strengthened using the four habits approach. J Psychosoc Oncol. 2008;26(3):81–95. doi: 10.1080/07347330802118040. [DOI] [PubMed] [Google Scholar]
- 3.Lions Roar Staff. What’s a bardo? [Internet] Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada: Lion’s Roar Foundation; 2017. Apr 19, [cited 2018 Oct 26]. Available from: www.lionsroar.com/whats-a-bardo. [Google Scholar]