During my first 2 episodes of schizoaffective disorder, I had very few hallucinations. It was only later that I had auditory, visual, and tactile hallucinations. Experience has shown me that the frequency of my hallucinations is directly related to my level of stress. In periods of low stress, I usually haven’t experienced many hallucinations. When my stress level has been higher, I’ve had more hallucinations.
The first hallucination I ever had was auditory. I was sitting alone at my parent’s house at age 25 after my second episode of schizoaffective disorder. My parents had left the house to go get dinner at a place that was 45 minutes away. The TV, radio, and anything that could make sound were turned off. I heard my mother’s voice calling from the garage door. It said “Hey,” and I looked in the direction the voice came from. After I realized no one was there and nothing that could produce sound was there I became concerned. I walked over and opened the garage door; my parents’ car was gone.
That was an auditory hallucination that I label as repetitive. It was simply an echoing of something I had previously heard. Over time, I’ve learned to identify hallucinations like these, but every time I hear them, I still look in the direction that the sound came from. These repetitive hallucinations continue to happen periodically, and I still look in the direction that they come from to realize no one is there. People ask if these are scary. I would say that these experiences are disconcerting, but they don’t stress me out all that much. I know I can’t do anything about them; since they are only repetitions of things I’ve heard before, there is nothing to fear. These hallucinations originate in my frontal lobe, and they don’t cause me any physical pain.
The other type of auditory hallucination that I’ve experienced for brief moments have been the kind I call a creative auditory hallucinations. That is, when there has been an actual voice that’s not my own creatively speaking to me. The only time I’ve had trouble with creative auditory hallucinations has been when I’ve been doing some heavy work in my journal coming to grips with past traumas. When journaling I sometimes crossed a thought that caused my brain to become dysfunctional. Sometimes, this has caused these creative auditory hallucinations. When this has happened, I felt pain in the center of the top of my head. At first, it was pretty terrifying to hear a voice that was not my own speaking to me, but I’ve learned to neutralize the thoughts that triggered the creative auditory hallucinations which makes them go away. I guess my advice to anyone experiencing these types of hallucinations would be that your brain has not been occupied by another being. I believe that this kind of auditory hallucination is a voice from my unconscious mind surfacing to the conscious level. The unconscious mind is always at work, and I think this is one of the ways it sometimes malfunctions with people who have schizophrenia.
I have also experienced visual hallucinations. My visual hallucinations have only been of the repetitive kind; I have only ever seen glimpses of things that I’ve seen in the past. The only type of visual hallucination I’ve ever had has been of people who are not actually there. When stressed, I’ve had glimpses of someone turning a corner. When I walk over to look around the corner no one is ever there. One trigger for these repetitive visual hallucinations is when something takes the shape of a human being. For example, at my workplace, we had a display of 4 boxes stacked like a podium with turnips on top. Every time I walked by it I had the hallucination of a person taking place in front of what could have been considered the shape of a bust of someone. The other thing I’ve noticed is that the color red seems to trigger these visual hallucinations more so than any other color. There have been many times where I have seen a red apron or red shirt, and I have had a brief visual hallucination of a person in place of it. I sometimes wonder if red is a trigger because it’s a primary color or it triggers some part of my mind that may be related to the hallucination. I’m uncertain if red is a color related to stress for me this meaning that when I see red it causes me stress thus triggering the hallucination. Thankfully, these hallucinations have only been very brief and have had a very little effect on the way I live.
I have also experienced tactile hallucinations, dealing with the sense of touch. There have been times when it felt like a mosquito or spider was crawling on my leg and I looked down to get rid of it, and nothing was there. These are also stress-related hallucinations. These have been few and far between and also have not had much effect on my day to day activities. Fortunately, these sensations have always felt external, so I simply check to see if anything is there and if not, I disregard it. This is an actual type of hallucination, and it’s not the same as feeling itchy. It feels as though something is actually crawling on or up my leg.
Over the years, I’ve realized because of social trauma from my past that some of the most stressful situations for me are when I’m with and around people. Generally, places where I have been forced to socialize like work, parties, and large social gatherings have the most stressful places for me causing more hallucinations. It’s been important for me to be aware of which situations are stressful because this has given me a sense of when I may have hallucinations. This helps me to be prepared for those hallucinations and to have the expectation that if the hallucinations and stress are too much that I’ll need to take a few minutes away from people, whether it be a break at work or just a few minutes not participating in a conversation at a party or while with others.