When does a cognitive occupancy officially translate to a “belief?” When I say occupancy, I am referring to my experiences, as denominated by temporal delineation. I refer to such temporally delineated experiences as my “episodes.” Such episodes entail my en vivo interpretations regarding my ongoing reality. But because I have schizophrenia, trying to interpret my reality comes with its challenges. As I can attest, schizophrenia is the ultimate metaphysical experiment.
My delusional psychosis is complex, because it confuses me as much as everyone else. A temporal ideational veracity reigns, only for it to dissolve, over an unpredictable and unspecified course. Such temporal courses can vary significantly. I have had episodes of 30 minutes, 30 hours, and 30 months, and, tellingly all in-between.
From a clinical perspective, a delusion is defined as a false belief, but what is one to make of a cognitive occupancy? If an idea comes and goes, when does it achieve the designation as belief? Is there a quantifiable entity here? After all, beliefs, by definition, are essential to the schizophrenia framework.
Consider the following from my experience. A dystonic cognition of absolute subjective veracity occupies the current moment, then is followed by a fully felt disqualification, by my intact reality-checking systems. In other words, I experience a static cognitive occupancy which then temporally deconstructs.
Please remember that when considering the cognitive ingredients of ideations, beliefs, notions, and presumptions, in the context of schizophrenia, all such items must be understood in terms of their potential origins first and foremost! Schizophrenia is a condition maximally affecting the construction of reality, which is tenuous and subject to alteration even in the most healthy of people.
Allow me to share a past personal experience affecting my sense of reality.
I was at an inpatient psychiatric hospital.
One morning I awoke with the startling conclusion that during the night I was removed from my room by staff, and lobotomized.
I harbored this ideation for several hours, and I thought it to be real.
But after a most hearty breakfast, the ideation vaporized.
To this day, I remember the experience, but now I am pretty confident it was an episodic delusion.
Let me offer one more experience for your consideration.
I, once, for an hour or two, believed I had been abducted by aliens and transplanted onto their planet.
I “believed” for several hours I was walking about amongst aliens, and on another planet!
Akin to the lobotomy, I am pretty confident now this was an episodic delusion as well.
Is it true, or is it not? And how could it possibly be true? Would you sleep through a lobotomy or alien abduction? I continuously ask myself this begging question. It is not a mundane question. Schizophrenia pushes the metaphysical boundary of conceived possibility. This binary, “is it real or is it not?,” performs a dazzling dance number within the confines of my mind, and each in equitable veracity, and each in accordance to its inherent characteristic.
If an ideation comes and goes, is it a delusion? It is the phenomena of thinking an item is steadfast for a certain temporality, only followed by its dissolution. This is a typified characterization of my underlying “delusional psychosis.” It is intermittent, convincing, transient, and thus contains its complexity.
Let’s focus on the additional pressure of a specified delusional subtype. In my instance, my mind tends to navigate toward predominately persecutory delusions. I have recurring persecutory thoughts or ideations. As I move along my day, episodically such a persecutory ideation appears unequivocally true, then it weakens, and then completely dissolves. So, where does such an intermittent phenomenology place my schizophrenic mind?
Well, unequivocally, in a persistent metaphysical turmoil.
Never knowing reality.
Never.
But with this, I have negotiated a truce.
My evaluation of my delusional psychosis ends with the following parameters for your consideration.
The core of this intermittent ideational pummeling evolves 2-fold.
One, I traverse along the persistently dystonic while earnestly wondering about the persecutory,
Is it true?
Maybe so, maybe not.
I can’t tell.
It seems true and not true.
Two, I feel submerged in an unrelenting and malevolent metaphysical paradox.
What do I know about myself?
What do I know about others?
What is the characteristic of reality?
Does “reality” even matter?
The hardest thing about this situation is the uncertainty. After years of experience I am willing to doubt my ideas and my conclusions. One of the problems with psychosis is that it not only generates ideas, but impacts the ability to make a judgment about their truth with certainty. When the ability to be certain is challenged, reality, per se, takes the brunt of the impact.
This is but a brief phenomenological description of my psychotic problem. With psychosis reigns a persistent, uncomfortable paradox with an associated veneer of irreconcilability. But coping is my best option, not self-pity, and so I move and groove to a harrowing gestalt. Sometimes, I can claim victory versus psychosis, and other times I place second. Nevertheless, it is my life, and so lemonade, I think, is my best imbibe. Who would of thought the answer to psychosis equates as lemonade?!
For more content from Robert, please see his new literary release On Conquering Schizophrenia; From the Desk of a Therapist and Survivor. It is available everywhere (including Amazon!).