Chapter 1
I sit in a jail cell in Hamilton, Alabama.
I hear voices echoing all around me. The voices keep telling me I am a famous rock musician and that I should take risks.
I have been arrested for indecent exposure. I went into a gas station and took all of my clothes off. Besides this, I speed when I drive, and I once jumped into a pool at the shallow end. I was very lucky I wasn’t injured.
I live with my parents. My parents are currently away on holidays. I wonder what they will think once they get home, but I am not too deeply concerned about it. I also believe I am doing what the Higher Power wants me to do.
I also hear the voices of other famous rock musicians asking me if they can play with me in a band.
I do have musical training, but it is in classical music, not rock music. I play violin and piano. Before I started hearing voices this often, I practiced almost everyday.
Before I ended up in jail, I bought a guitar and a tape recorder. I would play music on my guitar and record it.
One time, I played my music for my mother. I asked her how it sounded.
She said it sounded really strange.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
“I am fine,” I said. “I was born to be a rock musician.”
I also spent lots of time listening to rock music. I believed I could communicate with other rock musicians, dead or alive, just through listening to their music.
Even though my music sounds strange, I am told by the voices that my music is very experimental. The voices also tell me that if I take all sorts of risks, like taking my clothes off, and driving my car fast, that I will become a celebrity.
I also eat very unhealthy food. I am told by the voices that I have been lied to about health. I am told that food that tastes really good is the healthiest food.
I am told that anything that is true sounds true.
I eat lots of ice cream and candy bars.
I gain weight, but I am convinced that gaining weight is healthy.
I fear the other inmates. I come from an Indian background, and I am dark skinned. I think the other inmates may be racist and might try to hurt me.
I act crazily and jump around the jail cell, making a lot of noise. It seems to work because nobody seems to want to attack me.
I miss being home, but I realize that this is my destiny.
Chapter 2
I remember being 13 years old.
I am living in Prince George, Canada. I am attending high school.
I remember studying in my room. The room has a big, blue table lamp. It is when I am 13 that I start hearing voices. The voices are mean and angry. They tell me I am a nerd and that I am too scrawny.
I am drawing something for my drafting class. I am good at other things but bad at drawing. My drawing looks awkward and bizarre. I try my best to draw as well, but I end up feeling very frustrated.
One day in my drafting class, the teacher tells the students that he wants us to work on our drawings in class. I feel very embarrassed about anyone else seeing my drawing. As I expect, things take a turn for the worse.
A kid wearing jeans and a jacket with a hockey logo on it approaches me. He is a bully I have known since elementary school. He smiles an evil smile.
“What’s that, Hindu?” he says.
“It’s my drawing,” I say timidly.
He then laughs and takes the drawing. He parades it all over the classroom. The other kids in the class begin to laugh.
“Nice drawing, nerd,” says another student, a friend of the bully.
I also dread gym class. I am very skinny and not as strong as the other kids in my class. I feel like a loser. A lot of the other boys in my class are big and strong for their age. They also attract many girls.
While in gym class, we do square dancing.
The girls try to avoid me as much as possible.
One girl, who has blonde hair and is pretty, stands beside me but refuses to hold my hand. I feel so miserable. Why can’t I be more attractive?
I do well in school. But, according to the other students, that means I am a nerd. I want to be popular and big and strong. I want to attract girls.
The bully has a girlfriend. The bully is not very smart, but because he is athletic, he attracts many girls. When I get home from school, I hear the voices of the other students. They tell me I am a nerd, a Hindu, and that I am scrawny.
I lay in bed listening to the voices.
I don’t tell my parents anything about the voices because I figure they may not believe me. I also think that if other people hear voices as well, this must be just a normal thing and nothing to worry about.
I also have very few friends.
My closest friend left Prince George when I was 7 years old. I miss him a lot. I have no more close friends. Instead of hanging out with people, I watch a lot television, study as much as possible, and play violin and piano.
Generally, I like being by myself, but I continue to wonder if this is normal.
Chapter 3
Over the next few years I end up at the psychiatric ward several times.
It is also during this time that I end up in jail.
Just before ending up in jail, I purchase The Beatles Anthology.
I believe the Beatles are communicating with me, telling me I am a famous rock musician. They tell me to take crazy risks in order to become a celebrity.
After being released from jail, I end up back at the psychiatric ward.
A few years later, my parents and I decide to move to Oakville, Ontario, to be closer to my sister who lives in Toronto.
I now hear voices telling me that I am loser for living with my parents, and that I am a spoiled, rotten adult child.
A psychiatrist has diagnosed me with schizoaffective disorder and gave me the medication Zyprexa.
Chapter 4: Recovery
While living in Oakville and Toronto, my condition improves.
I start to figure out how to cope with my illness.
Discipline is what helps me the most. I get up early in the morning and work out. I practice my violin. I read everyday and watch the news.
I ignore the voices, and I stay on my medication.
I also have a great relationship with my family.
I also hope to become an advocate for mental illness. I am doing public speaking, and I have written a book.
In the end, my aim is to help others and help myself.