Your Best Life: Relationships—The Lifeblood of a Fulfilled Existence

My identical twin brother Mike is battling a serious health issue, and his illness has prompted me to take stock of all that is important in my life. I’ve found myself relying on my anchoring routines. One habit I have cultivated is to journal about someone who has positively impacted my life [4]. In times of crisis, journaling, practicing mindfulness [5], and maintaining meaningful relationships with friends and family are what keep me centered. These exercises help prevent me from harping on those dark, existential “why” questions: Why is this happening to my family? Why now? Why my twin? Why not me?

Naturally, it’s not easy to maintain peace during crisis. My default option is to immerse myself in work so I don’t have to think about the fact that my time with my brother may be limited. I could go to work for 12 hours or more and feel like a contributor, and yes, I do enjoy the realization that I am helping people. At work, I feel that I know the answers. I don’t feel helpless. I have control, or so it seems.

But this approach would only serve as a temporary salve for emotional pain—episodic relief from the anguish of seeing my brother suffer. But how would my family feel knowing their father and husband is not around when they perhaps feel the very same anguish? I would be going to work to escape them, rather than taking the time to understand what they may be going through. The message to them would be unyielding and profoundly hurtful: My work is more important than my family.

And no matter how much I work, at some point, I’ll still have to ask myself, “what am I running from?” And I’ll still have to confront my deep pain.

For those reasons, I will continue to practice my anchoring habits, including journaling. I will continue to do my best to be present for my family, and I will continue to make time for my brother for as long as I can whether in person or by phone and text. Building and maintaining relationships with those closest to you—at the end of the day, what’s more important than that?

Family Life

Many orthopaedic surgeons place relationships with loved ones on hold to pursue their careers, only to awaken one day and recognize that they have grown apart from their spouses, partners, or children. I have known many surgeons who have become estranged from their families during the years that they devoted to building a practice. Overwork and burnout have serious, detrimental effects on relationships [8, 9], and yet a vocation like orthopaedic surgery clearly entices even attending surgeons to engage in residency-like hours. This despite the research showing that those who work more than 50 hours a week experience a sharp decline in productivity [6], and that productivity after 55 hours is so meager it is essentially pointless to work longer. In fact, that same study found that people who worked 70 hours per week produced no more than those who worked 55 hours per week [6]. What are we really accomplishing?

It is far more important to build a life than a practice. There is very little chance for happiness when loved ones feel emotionally distant. But when we place relationships higher than achievement, fame, or riches, we are building the foundation of a life filled with meaning.

Friends and Self-disclosure

In great relationships, we have the freedom to share the most personal and intimate details of one’s life. It’s not easy to do, but the path of least resistance isn’t particularly helpful either. Sharing impersonal issues does not activate areas in the brain associated with happiness [12] in the same way as revealing one’s most intimate secrets does. Journaling is one way for me to empty the bucket, so to speak, but it seems that we all need at least one trusted confidant(e) or friend who will serve as a safe haven for us. Keeping your thoughts to yourself and escaping in your work only delays and prolongs the issues at hand. We all need a secure forum to reveal our deepest issues and concerns.

Not only will we feel more secure and happier when we have rich relationships, we may also increase our well-being when we provide support to others. In fact, the more we extend ourselves to others, the happier we are [1]. A good start in encouraging others is to become better listeners. When we actively engage in conversations and practice what American psychologist Martin Seligman PhD describes as “active constructive responding”—defined as responding in a positive and engaging fashion—both parties gain [7]. When a friend shares something with you, ask follow-up questions and show that you really care.

Knock Down the Walls

Maintaining meaningful relationships is a chief determinant of the degree to which we all lead lives of fulfillment. It has been shown that relationships determine a good measure of our happiness rather than riches, fame, notoriety, or power [3, 10, 11].

The truth is, my old way of coping with things through work, work, and more work was not only a dysfunctional approach for me and my family, it was contrary to scientific evidence. Diener and Seligman, in a landmark study [2], measured degrees of happiness in young adults by surveying students at a local university. Those who scored highest on the happiness scale had “strong ties to friends and family and commitment to spending time with them.” In fact, they found the happiest students spent the least amount of time alone.

I have examined in previous columns [4, 5] the link between happiness and productivity—how happy doctors deliver better care and are more productive over the course of their careers than those who have less joy [4]. It indeed will be very difficult, if not impossible, to have a measure of happiness without sound relationships—especially with family. However, these relationships require a conscious decision for daily investment. The decision to commit to consistent time with family and friends yields great dividends in terms of generating peace and fulfillment. You will be especially thankful when in moments of crisis, you are emotionally and physically present for your family and not alone in the office.

Tomorrow, Try This

• Protect non-negotiable sacred periods on your schedule for family time.

• Be more willing to disclose all your “stuff” to a close friend or partner.

• Make it routine to text, call, or email one friend, once a day.

• Reflect on your closest relationships and, if one is need of repair, attend to it.